March 7, 2005

Circle Jerk

I Am Circle Jerking

The Rules:

1. Leave me a comment here saying "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions in my comments section. Some will not be innocuous questions so be forewarned. If you're easily offended, keep in mind that it may be uncomfortable for the both of us because I will ask you questions like "Have you ever had a finger in your ass" anyway.
3. Update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation (you can amend this one if you want to ask nice questions) and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, ask them five questions. And the beat goes oooooooooooonnnnn...

Here are my responses to Bennet:

1. In inches what's the smallest sized penis you could have won an Oscar for acting overjoyed about having?

I swear it was like 4 inches erect. I have to throw a bone (heh) out to some of the lesser-endowed men out there, bigger can be better but doesn't always have to be. When I first saw this guy's penis I was like "Oh God, why bother. I might as well go have sandwich and save my energy." But I stayed where I was, because leaving at the sight of someone's penis goes against the policies of sexual etiquette. Miss Manners would have been disappointed in me. But he knew how to work it so the experience was pretty good. Of course I was really, really, REALLY drunk so my opinion may count for nothing. I'm a smart drunk though, when I'm not being a mean drunk.

2. What's the longest amount of time spent having sex in one sitting?

Well it wasn't in one sitting because there was a lot of moving around and sitting up and laying back down and all the other aerobics that naturally occurs during sex, but I would have to say about 6 hours. It wasn't 6 hours of straight sex though because then I would have been confined to a wheelchair for the next few days.

3. What's something extremely embarrassing and mean you've done to someone, but in retrospection you're able to laugh at it now?

I sometimes say mean things that are funny as hell, but I'm not saying them to be mean deliberately. Most of the truly mean things I say however, slip out, like it wasn't my intention to be that rude but my oral filter malfunctioned. For example, my friend once asked me what I thought of his ex-girlfriend's looks that I had just met. I hesitated and he said "It's her hair isn't it? She shouldn't have cut it." And I said "It isn't so much her hair as it is her face." Then I saw the look on his face and heard the muffled snickers around us and went "Fuck, did I just say that out loud?"

4. For my own serious interest. Is there any possible way for a white guy (such as myself) to meet beautiful asian women without seeming like a total perverted ass?

No. You fucking pervert. Just kidding. Here's some tips for white/black/Spanish guys looking to score with an Asian woman, yet don't want to seem like nasty ass fetishists:

1. Don't call her "exotic." You might as well bust out a copy of the Kama Sutra and ask her which positions she does best and is the one on page 73 even anatomically possible.
2. Don't tell her you know all about her ethnicity because you were once stationed in the Philippines and damn those Filipino hookers know how to fuck.
3. Don't use her ethnicity as conversation fodder in the first fifteen minutes. Especially don't use it as an opening line.
4. Don't tell her that "all your friends are Asian." Don't tell her that your ex-girlfriend was Asian. Don't tell her that you think Asian women are "hot." Don't tell her that you generally prefer Asian women, because they're small and look like they can be flipped around in bed.
5. Don't ask her if she speaks Japanese, after she tells you she's Chinese. Yes this seems like a basic one but you'd be surprised how often it happens. Fucking idiots.
6. Don't tell her how much you love Chinese food unless she's a fucking chef.
7. Don't say "me love you long time" because that's just fucking stupid and all Asian people cringe and hate you the moment you say it, even if they're polite enough to give a fake laugh.
8. Don't automatically expect that she cares about domestic cars versus import cars, can do math really well, is a martial arts expert, knows anything about the immigration policies of the United States, cares about who Sung Hi Lee is, or follows anything to do with Asian culture unless she herself brings it up.
9. Don't assume she can't speak English, unless you say something and she busts out a mini Webster's English-Korean dictionary.
10. Don't mention how funny you think Jackie Chan is, or talk about any other Asian person in entertainment because most Asian people don't enjoy the way American media portrays them. In real life if you fuck with a Chinese food delivery guy he won't run away crying, he'll use his Tiger Style then serve your liver up in tomorrow's Won Ton Soup. Because you know, all Asian people know martial arts. You can talk about Jet Li though, because he just fucking rocks.
11. Don't take any of my advice if you actually do have an Asian fetish i.e. you don't date anyone else. Instead, walk outside, find a speeding automobile and throw yourself in front of it.

Take this knowledge and go forth, Grasshopper.

5. If you had a penis would you taste your own semen?

Yup. I'd be curious. Just a fingertipful though, I wouldn't try to shoot it into my own mouth. Because then you kind of just have other issues.

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