May 31, 2005

Random Thoughts Episode 932

Random Thoughts Episode 932

1. I believe in God, think he's a stand up guy and all. But I avoid religious blogs like the plague. Think God would smite me down for that? And would I be smited or smote?

"Where's Riss?" "She was smited down for avoiding religious blogs like the plague."
"Where's Riss?" "She was smote down for avoiding religious blogs like the plague."

2. This story is sad yet crazy. Police were able to catch a guy and his sister's murderer, because the guy wrote a weblog entry right before he was killed that her ex was waiting in their house. Hear that my friends? Every time one of you visits me I'm going to blog it, just in case. "So anyway, it's Sunday, June 3rd at 5 p.m. and Tony is here. I'm about to pop in a DVD. Did I mention TONY IS HERE???"

3. Last weekend, Mike and I had dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and it seemed like everything that could have gone wrong, did. When we were first seated out on the patio, it was bright and sunny and hot as hell. Twenty minutes later it started raining. The waiter gave us used butter (like with crumbs and fingerprints in it), we didn't get our appetizer because it was delivered to another table by mistake, then they served our dishes and my coleslaw tasted like what I imagine pesticide-saturated ass hair must taste like. It started pouring just then and they cleared out the whole patio, except us. It literally went from about 14 people out there to just me and Mike in twenty seconds. There was thunder and lightning and us, eating while "sheltered" by a placemat-sized awning. Our flunkie waiter came out after awhile and told us there weren't any tables left inside. So we kept eating. Finally the manager came out and sat us in the smoking section, which was where I wanted to sit in the first place but the waiting list for it was too long so the point of this really long story is that I WIN!!!

4. On the way home, we passed a hooker on 1 and 9 and I jokingly offered to wait in the car if he wanted to take her into one of the numerous motel-by-the-hours.

Mike: Fine, I'll hose her down with the slaw though.
Me: What?
Mike: You know, to decon her I'll hose her down with the slaw.
Me (inside my head): Okay, what the fuck is he talking about. Think Riss, think. Decon is obviously short for "decontaminate" so he's going to decontaminate her by...
Me (light bulb flashes): OHHH!!!!! You'll HOSE her down with the poisonous coleslaw from Cheesecake!! Okay, I get it now.
Mike: What'd you think I said?
Me: "All hoes are down with the slaw." I was like, they are? Do slutty women order coleslaw all the time then? Is that the telltale sign of a promiscuous woman?
Mike: Hahaha yeah, all hoes are down with the slaw. I ain't picking that bitch up, she's down with the slaw.
Me: Well I don't know, YOU said it.

5. My watch has been broken for the past few weeks and you know what I fucking hate? People who when you ask them what time is it, reply "It's 45 minutes after the last time you asked." What's the point of that? To snidely illustrate my lack of a watch? Just say it's 5:30 for God's sake and stop jerking me around.

6. I'm hoping since I buried this one at number six, no one will read it and I can confess without ridicule. Then again you guys are probably used to my loser confessions. Lame Confession #378: During House on Tuesday, I used the commercial breaks to vote in American Idol for the first time ever. I voted for Bo Bice 23 times. I figured that made up for the fact that I've watched the show for the past few seasons, but never voted. Rather than mock me, Geo actually helped me vote by switching the phone in our living room to one that had a redial button. He likes Bo Bice too.

7. Look what I got in the mail last Friday...

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I have genuine Swarovski crystals on my ass. Now all I need are
Faberge eggs in my armpits and I will be STYLIN'.
Seven jeans, WOO-HOO!!! Thanks Nicky!! You so totally rock. FOR ALL MANKIND!!

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