June 1, 2005

More Randomness

More Randomness, As If I Didn't Have Enough

1. It's 2:42 a.m. and there's a mouse fucking with me. I hear him but I can't find him. He's rustling a plastic bag but still is managing to evade me. I've rummaged through and relocated every plastic bag in the vicinity and yet I still hear him. Asshole.

2. I've been playing online poker for the last twenty minutes or so and have been dealt a 7 and 2 five times. YES. Which reminds me... A few days ago some friends and I were playing poker at Tony's house. My friend Joe's girl looked over at Tony and his brother Todd, who are both over 6-3 and asked me if I had ever gone out with anyone that tall before. I replied that actually, I'd gone out with Tony for awhile, years ago. A few minutes later, one of Todd's friends asked me if my twins were identical or fraternal. I explained that I didn't know, because we hadn't gotten them DNA tested which is the only sure way to tell. If the girls have the same DNA then they're identical. Joe's girl only caught the tail end of the conversation so she thought we were discussing something else:

JG: You speak of that so freely?
Me: What?
JG: Getting them DNA tested.
Me: Yeah what's the big... oh. HAHAHAHA!!!! The DNA test is to find out whether or not the girls are identical twins, not to determine paternity.
JG: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Me (laughing): Yeah, I'm a big fucking whore and I banged like ten guys one night and have no clue who fathered my girls. I've been on Montel like 8 times but after the last appearance I told Geo he had to just go ahead and claim them as his.
JG: I am SO SO sorry.
Me: No, don't even worry about it. When most people hear the words "DNA test" they think paternity.

It seemed to be an awkward moment for her but I thought it was hysterically funny. Of course it was even funnier becuase Geo was sitting right there. I'm a fan of her anyway.

3. At McDonald's last weekend, we saw the guy whose friends stole our car. His girlfriend was screaming to her kids that she wanted to get out of Jersey City. I was thinking she'd better find alternative company then, or the only reason she'd ever get out of Jersey City is because Hudson County Correctional Facility is located in Kearny. I would have told her that but I didn't want to hasten her departure at my expense. Maybe if I weren't so hungry.

4. I don't understand why women wear tight, low-cut shirts then complain about men staring at their breasts. If some decent-looking guy was wearing jeans with the crotch cut out and his balls hanging out, I doubt I'd be able to look him in the eye either. "Sorry sir, I know you're asking me for directions to the Holland Tunnel and all but your balls are hanging out."

5. I've been "blogsurfing" lately, which is kind of a new experience for me. I've tried "nextblogging" a few times in the past but that never ends well. I always end up on those annoying Japanese anime twinkle twinkle little star pages that crash my computer and piss me off. Normally I just click on the links on everyone else's pages, but it's like one big incestous family and I just end up back here again. One thing about blogsurfing with a site like BlogExplosion.com is that all the sites are so damn clean. I feel like I contaminated them just by reading their blogs. I always thought people with my sick mind (and lets face it, people with your sick minds as well otherwise why would you be here) were pretty normal and widespread but I guess not. I blame the "Gasolina" song about the chick that likes facials. All the perversion in the world stems from that one song.

6. I think the nose pierce has to go and I'm pretty sad about it. The infection just won't go away. I won't disgust you people with the steps I took to attempt to drain it but let's just say I shouldn't be playing MacGuyver with my fricken body. So if anyone has any more ideas let me know, I've tried saline, hot compresses and antibiotic cream. I fricken woke up this morning rubbing my nose like it was a lamp and there was a genie inside of it. Dammit. That can't be good.

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