A Demented Fairytale: Part Seven
(Parts One-Six can be found here.)
Cinderella woke up to the smell of eggs and bacon frying. She looked towards the kitchen and noted with some surprise that for a chauvinist, the former Frog Prince James seemed to be a pretty competent cook. She got up and wandered over to check out the food. "Looks good," she commented, peering into the pan.
"It's my peace offering for last night," James said.
Cinderella was born at night but it hadn't been last night. "Really?"
"No, I'm just thinking the way to between a woman's legs might be through a good meal." James cracked.
Cinderella couldn't help laughing at that. In her case that might actually be true, but she wasn't about to let him know that. "I wouldn't expect such a sexist pig to know how to cook, much less be good at it."
"What makes you think I'm a sexist pig?" He asked.
"Well you know, all that 'needing to get laid' crap."
"Are you kidding me woman? I'VE - BEEN - A - FROG - FOR - FIVE - YEARS," he said slowly, as if speaking to an idiot. "I'm not sexist, I'm just hungry and horny. You're confusing a natural physical reaction with chauvinism."
She thought about that for a moment. "Okay, I'll give you that."
"No, not THAT. I meant I'll concede that point. Jesus." She looked over at his hand, which was already at the laces to his pants. "How can you be ready that fast?"
"It's been over five years. It's pretty much been up for the last three." James said wryly.
Cinderella figured it might be prudent to make a timely exit from the kitchen. The guy was hot and pretty charming and she kept forgetting that she was supposed to be finding his advances offensive. She had to be careful, a little more forgetfulness or a pint of ale and she'd be on her back in the hay. She decided instead to try and wake her traveling companions. She found Rabbit under the table in the hallway, looking even more tired than the night before.
"Didn't get much sleep?" She asked.
"No. Those two bastards kept me up all night long with their noise. And you humans think WE'RE bad. Rabbits are prolific but quiet. You assholes think you're the only ones in the whole cottage."
"Hey, don't take it out on me. I wasn't the one who kept you up."
"Yeah I know, that slut. We should have just slept in the forest."
Cinderella decided to let that comment go by without an "I told you so" and headed towards her bedroom. As she opened the door, the stale smell of sex assaulted her senses, forcing her back into the hallway. Rethinking the wisdom of entering the room, she walked a few feet away then yelled "Breakfast is ready!!"
Two hours later, the travelers were fed, rested and ready to depart Red's. Well, almost all of them. James, Cinderella and Rabbit waited in amusement as Prince Dimwit stumbled out of the cottage, bleary-eyed and looking as if he had been hit by a train. A really skanky train.
"Sorry," he said "That woman is..." His voice trailed off and a bizarre expression crossed his face, like he couldn't decide whether to smile or throw up.
"Spare us the gory details," Cinderella said, starting up the road.
"Yeah," James chimed in, "Some of us haven't had sex in over--"
"FIVE YEARS!!!!" Everyone else shouted.
"I'd almost bang him just to get him to stop whining about it." Cinderella muttered under her breath.
"You and me both." Rabbit said, following her away.
After consulting their map, which had thankfully dried overnight, the group decided to walk a bit out of the way in order to spend the night in the small town of Reffulf. Prince Dimwit especially, was looking forward to a comfortable night sleeping in a bed versus the hard, cold ground. As they entered the outskirts of the town, they came upon a tall tower with a sign that said "Free room and board, restrictions apply." Figuring it didn't hurt to find out what those restrictions were, Cinderella looked around for the door. Except there wasn't any. Just an open window almost at the very top of the tower.
"Hello?!?!" She called out, trying to make her voice reach. A plain-faced young woman stuck her head out and replied "Yes?"
"We're here about the free room and board," James replied. "What are these restrictions that you have?"
"Well, it's not so much a restriction as it is an exchange of sorts."
"What would we be exchanging?" Cinderella asked.
"I like to paint men nude, in various stages of arousal. It's a hobby of sorts. You provide the model, I'll provide the free room and board."
Cinderella looked over at the two men in her party, "It's up to you guys."
James shrugged, "Let's do it. Like I said, it's been up for the last three years."
"You have a deal," Cinderella called up to the woman. "Where is the door?"
"There is no door," the woman answered. "You have to climb my hair." And with those words she shook her head, sending yards of beautiful, blonde hair, braided into a type of rope ladder, cascading down the side of the tower.
"You're fucking kidding me right?" James said.
Cinderella shrugged, grabbed hold of the hair rope and began to climb.
An hour later, the last of their party clambered through the window and landed on the floor with a plop.
"We're not doing that again are we?" Prince Dimwit asked.
"I don't see why not," James replied, "Being that we're already up here."
As she caught her breath, Cinderella looked around the room. The room was enormous but every inch of wall space was covered with paintings and sketches of nude men. Good-looking men, ugly men, skinny men, fat men, men with large penises, men with small penises, pretty much every type of man under the sun. The penis on the painting closest to her even had a large, odd-looking bump on it. Like a pimple, but on steroids.
The plain-faced woman introduced herself. She had a large rack, of paintbrushes, which she would periodically caress as she spoke. "I'm Rapunzel. Long story short, I was locked in here by a witch fifteen years ago. A prince came to rescue me, but I turned him down. In all honesty, I think I'm too fucking scared to leave this place." Not knowing what to say about that, the rest of the group introduced themselves in return and murmured fake sympathy noises.
"Can I offer you some refreshments," Rapunzel asked, "Or would you like to just get down to business." Everyone shook their heads, too exerted from their climb to consider eating. "Alright then, which one of you gentlemen is my model?"
"He is." Cinderella said, pointing at James.
"Ummm... Houston, we have a problem." James said. "Do I HAVE to be erect?"
"Absolutely." Rapunzel said.
"Why, what's the matter?" Cinderella asked. "You said it's been up for three years."
"Yeah okay, that was BEFORE you surrounded me with about five thousand pictures of naked men."
"I'll do it," Prince Dimwit offered.
"I'm um, all ready." He said, pointing down at his crotch, which was indeed at the ready.
"How can that be after all the bumpin' uglies you did last night?" Rabbit asked incredulously.
"Well Red gave me this little blue pill you see, she said it was a breath mint but I'm not so sure. All I know is that I've been up since she gave it to me and that was like 24 hours ago."
"Alright then, he's your man." Cinderella said to Rapunzel. "Where can we sleep?"
"Through those doors." As Prince Dimwit began to shed his clothes, the rest of the group headed towards the bedrooms. "Oh there's one more thing," Rapunzel said. "In case my model here has difficulties maintaining his level of excitement, we're going to need a contingency plan. My regular guy is on vacation."
"Huh?" Cinderella asked.
"She needs a fluffer." James replied.
"Someone to orally service the model so he can keep it hard while she draws."
"Oh." Cinderella couldn't help but feel a bit sickened at the thought. "Well it won't be me."
"Nor I," the Prince answered, "It hasn't been THAT long. Which leaves..." They both turned to look at the Rabbit.
"Oh no...." Rabbit said, backing away.
"It took us an hour to climb up here. We're not leaving and you can't climb down by yourself." Cinderella said.
"I say we draw straws," Rabbit said.
"I say you pray Red's pill lasts long enough for Rapunzel to get her painting done." Cinderella and James turned and walked through the doors, leaving Rabbit to ponder his fate.
"This is worse than the stew."
"Don't worry," James called back. "Just pretend it's a carrot. But without the biting and stuff."