A Demented Fairytale: Part Nine
(Parts One through Eight can be found here.)
James leaned closer to Cinderella, she felt his warm breath on her cheek. "Is this your first time?"
"Second time," she replied. "The first was with a guy in our town named Jack."
James frowned in response. "Jack Horner? Isn't that guy like twelve?"
"Is this how you get all the women to sleep with you, accuse them of pedophilia? Because I gotta tell you it's not the greatest of plans."
"Who then?" he asked, kissing the inside of her wrist.
"Uh, Jack the son of the Candlestick Maker."
"Wait isn't he the one that chants 'Jack be nimble, Jack be quick' whenever he's excited about something?"
"Yeap, that's the one. And believe me, he chants it WHENEVER he's excited regardless of what or who he's doing at the time."
"Ah. I take it the experience didn't quite measure up?"
"Well if this sort of thing has a minimum elapsed time then for all intents and purposes this is my first time."
"Got it." James got up from the rug and poured himself another mug of mead. Contemplating her for a moment, he poured her another one as well. "Drink this," he ordered.
Laughing in confusion, she accepted the mug. "I don't need this, you've already closed the deal."
"It's not for me, it's for you. Let's just say that after a 5-year period of abstinence, I might be nimble and quick as well. The drunker you are, the longer the experience will seem." He looked so earnest while explaining she had to laugh again. Setting the mug down, she pulled his head down and kissed him. "I don't need this, it'll be fine." Together, they stood and walked towards the bedroom, wrapped in all the passionate fury of people who have long been wanting and long been denied. Or who are really, really drunk.
The door to the garderobe burst open as they approached and Rapunzel stumbled out. Tripping over the undergarments at her ankles, she hit the hard wood floor at their feet. James lifted her up, struggling under her weight. Cinderella bent to assist him by freeing her undergarments from her feet, and in that moment Rapunzel convulsed and heaved up the rest of the contents of her stomach. As she felt the sickly-sweet-smelling warmth seep through her hair and clothes, Cinderella cried out in revulsion and ran from the room. Dropping Rapunzel back onto the vomit-covered floor, James skidded into the bedroom after her. Cindy stripped off her blouse and bodice, grabbing the pitcher and dumping its meager contents over her back. She whirled to find James standing there, gaping at her half-naked form and screeched in fury. "Don't just stand there get me some water from the kitchen!!!"
He turned and ran from the room, returning in a few moments with a pitcher of water a mug of milk. "This is all there was... unless you want to use mead which might not be a good idea since that's what she threw up on..." She paused in her scrubbing to glare at him and his voice trailed off lamely. Clearing his throat, he strode over and took the wet rag from her. "Here let me do that, I can reach better." He began cleaning her back and hair, taking care to refrain from pointing out that Rapunzel had obviously eaten quail and carrots before they arrived. Once Cindy was clean and presentable though, he found it difficult not to laugh, especially as she sat in the corner wrapped in a towel and sulking.
"Go ahead and laugh, you know you want to." She groused. James burst into laughter and fell on the bed laughing. Cindy felt her lips twitch and reluctantly smiled. "I don't know why you think it's so funny," she said, "You were about to get laid for the first time in FIVE LONG YEARS."
That sobered him up pretty quickly. "What do you mean 'were'?" She looked at him in disgust. "You can't possibly think I'd still be in the mood to have sex after getting thrown up on."
"Well in some countries--"
"Stop right there."
"-- it's considered foreplay." James finished.
"Well then I'll be having sex with Rapunzel, since she's the one who foreplayed me."
"I'll foreplay you right now," James said, reaching for her.
Cinderella laughed. "Not tonight you won't, I'm going to sleep." And with that, she stretched out on the bed, closed her eyes, and fell fast asleep.
James debated whether or not to argue the matter (she had a pretty nice rack), then sighed. Apparently there was a bottle of palm oil in the living room with his name on it.
Returning to the other room, James glanced down at Rapunzel, sleeping so peacefully in a puddle of her own vomit. Would it be wrong to leave her there? She was after all, responsible for the most disgusting cockblock he'd ever seen. But at the same time, it was an inadvertent cockblock. Giving in to his gentlemanly instincts, he picked her up and deposited her on the rug, then covered her up completely with one of her painting tarps. He didn't care what they did in Germany, no way was he jerking off while looking at someone whose partially-digested lunch was on display. James glanced at the sleeping occupants of the room, then grabbed the oil and a copy of Playwench Prince Dimwit had left on the table. A bird in the hand wasn't really worth two in the bush but it was better than nothing.
Showing posts with label fairytale. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fairytale. Show all posts
January 18, 2006
October 4, 2005
A Demented Fairytale: Part Eight
A Demented Fairytale: Part Eight
(Parts 1-7 can be found here.)
Cinderella straddled James, riding him like the Arabian stallion she'd had before her father lost it in a rigged game of Three Card Monty. As she stared down at him through eyes glazed over with passion, he gripped her hips and said "Wake up woman, I wanna see if the rabbit had to suck off what's-his-face." Huh? Crap. Cinderella opened one eye and realized with mortification that she'd been having a lurid dream about someone she claimed to dislike. Worse yet, that very same person was staring at her and likely wondering what she had been moaning about in her sleep.
"What were you dreaming about just then?" James asked with interest. Cinderella sat up in her cot and busied herself with fixing the bedclothes. "Nothing," she replied, "I never dream."
"Okay," James said. "You know you said my name out loud right?"
"Why would I do that," she asked lamely, hoping she sounded at least a little convincing. James winked at her and strolled out of the room. Cinderella glared after him, wondering why the more attractive a man was, the more annoying he was.
Entering the living room, Cinderella noticed two things at once. First, that the nude painting of Prince Dimwit had been finished in a magical amount of time. And second, that Rabbit was slumped in a corner of the room, looking more traumatized than the sheep Bo Peep had sold once to a group of rather shady-looking farmhands. Deciding anything was preferable to having to peruse Dimwit's naked form, she walked over to Rabbit and asked him if he was okay. Then regretted it of course.
"Am I okay you ask," Rabbit sputtered. "No no no. No, I'm not."
"What happened," Cinderella asked, "Did you have to um... 'fluff' anything?" She stroked his back sympathetically.
"No," Rabbit said. "But it was still bad."
"What are you complaining about then? Whatever it was, it could have been a lot worse."
"You think??" Rabbit said. "Red's little blue pills wore off, but I couldn't bring myself to do the job. So His Highness the Dumbass got some palm oil and took care of it himself."
"Then what's the big deal?" Cinderella asked.
"The big deal is that he was supposed to just keep it up. But he took care of it a little too much, then couldn't find a towel. So he picked ME up and wiped himself off with me."
"Oh God eeew--" She immediately stopped petting him.
"What if I have the French pox?" Rabbit asked in a panic. "Can I get the pox this way? Is there such a thing as fur pox? Can you get pox of the fur?" He started gasping for air, as if shortness of breath was the first symptom of Wipingly Transmitted Diseases.
"Relax," Cinderella said, hoping to calm him. "I'm sure you're pox-free. But why didn't you clean yourself off?"
Rabbit looked appalled. "You realize that rabbits wash themselves like cats do right?"
Unable to stop herself, she took a closer look and noticed that a section of his fur was pretty matted and smelled strongly of bleach. Cinderella gagged. "Um... be right back." Running from the room, she headed towards the bedroom and the pitcher of water it contained. The kitchen was also an option. Perhaps sticking her hand in boiling water would remove the not-so-fresh feeling.
When she returned to the living room after an hour of scrubbing her hand with a scouring brush, Rapunzel had busted out a huge barrel with a tap in it, filled with honey wine. Apparently, one of her "models" was the son of a brewer. Rapunzel looked up as she walked in, and gestured to it. "Grab a mug and help yourself, I forgot to tell you guys that we don't have any food."
"No food?" Cinderella echoed.
"Yeap, no food. One of my um, friends, is the town grocer. But he doesn't come by until tomorrow morning. So until then we have mead!" Cinderella looked over at her traveling companions, who had managed to get themselves three sheets to the wind in the short time she was gone. It wouldn't be the first time she'd had a liquid dinner. Or lunch. Or even breakfast really. Filling up her mug, she quickly downed it and filled up another. She had some catching up to do.
Prince Dimwit produced one of his gold coins and suggested they play "Heads or Tails." He would flip it and if it was heads, the women would chug half a cup of mead. If it was tails, the men would. Rabbit was already out cold and presumably dreaming of a world in which he wasn't covered with the dried sperm of the stupidest human being on the planet. The women agreed and the game was on. Two hours later, Prince Dimwit was passed out next to Rabbit on the couch (who wouldn't be too thrilled in the morning) and Rapunzel was in her bedroom, heaving the contents of her stomach into a chamber pot. Which left Cinderella and James, for all intents and purposes, alone and drunk in the living room.
Cinderella looked over at James, knowing what was on his mind. "Five years huh?"
"Five long years. But even if it hadn't been that long, I would still want you."
Cinderella rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, you can do better than that."
"Not really, my mind isn't working anymore. And I'm having trouble pronouncing my words. It's like those last ten cups of wine made me hard, shut my brain off and turned my tongue 4 inches thick."
"Hmmm. The perfect man."
"Ha ha" James said sarcastically.
"Give me one good reason why I should sleep with you." Cinderella said, taking yet another drink. Might as well pretend to make him work for it, though it had pretty much been a foregone conclusion since she met him. He was funny, attractive, clean, had all his teeth and obviously took pains to remain disease-free. A lot better than the first and only guy she'd ever slept with, who was a sweet guy, but not overly acquainted with soap.
James thought for a bit in response to her request. "Well, one reason is that it's been so long for me, I won't even be able to tell if you're bad at it. It'll automatically be the best I've ever had. Forever. That's just it. Nothing else will ever compare, to the first time I had sex again after five long years."
Cinderella laughed. "I think you've closed the deal," she said. "I'll sleep with you just so I don't have to hear the words 'five long years' ever again." And, she thought to herself, because he was pretty damn hot. And clean. That was important.
(Parts 1-7 can be found here.)
Cinderella straddled James, riding him like the Arabian stallion she'd had before her father lost it in a rigged game of Three Card Monty. As she stared down at him through eyes glazed over with passion, he gripped her hips and said "Wake up woman, I wanna see if the rabbit had to suck off what's-his-face." Huh? Crap. Cinderella opened one eye and realized with mortification that she'd been having a lurid dream about someone she claimed to dislike. Worse yet, that very same person was staring at her and likely wondering what she had been moaning about in her sleep.
"What were you dreaming about just then?" James asked with interest. Cinderella sat up in her cot and busied herself with fixing the bedclothes. "Nothing," she replied, "I never dream."
"Okay," James said. "You know you said my name out loud right?"
"Why would I do that," she asked lamely, hoping she sounded at least a little convincing. James winked at her and strolled out of the room. Cinderella glared after him, wondering why the more attractive a man was, the more annoying he was.
Entering the living room, Cinderella noticed two things at once. First, that the nude painting of Prince Dimwit had been finished in a magical amount of time. And second, that Rabbit was slumped in a corner of the room, looking more traumatized than the sheep Bo Peep had sold once to a group of rather shady-looking farmhands. Deciding anything was preferable to having to peruse Dimwit's naked form, she walked over to Rabbit and asked him if he was okay. Then regretted it of course.
"Am I okay you ask," Rabbit sputtered. "No no no. No, I'm not."
"What happened," Cinderella asked, "Did you have to um... 'fluff' anything?" She stroked his back sympathetically.
"No," Rabbit said. "But it was still bad."
"What are you complaining about then? Whatever it was, it could have been a lot worse."
"You think??" Rabbit said. "Red's little blue pills wore off, but I couldn't bring myself to do the job. So His Highness the Dumbass got some palm oil and took care of it himself."
"Then what's the big deal?" Cinderella asked.
"The big deal is that he was supposed to just keep it up. But he took care of it a little too much, then couldn't find a towel. So he picked ME up and wiped himself off with me."
"Oh God eeew--" She immediately stopped petting him.
"What if I have the French pox?" Rabbit asked in a panic. "Can I get the pox this way? Is there such a thing as fur pox? Can you get pox of the fur?" He started gasping for air, as if shortness of breath was the first symptom of Wipingly Transmitted Diseases.
"Relax," Cinderella said, hoping to calm him. "I'm sure you're pox-free. But why didn't you clean yourself off?"
Rabbit looked appalled. "You realize that rabbits wash themselves like cats do right?"
Unable to stop herself, she took a closer look and noticed that a section of his fur was pretty matted and smelled strongly of bleach. Cinderella gagged. "Um... be right back." Running from the room, she headed towards the bedroom and the pitcher of water it contained. The kitchen was also an option. Perhaps sticking her hand in boiling water would remove the not-so-fresh feeling.
When she returned to the living room after an hour of scrubbing her hand with a scouring brush, Rapunzel had busted out a huge barrel with a tap in it, filled with honey wine. Apparently, one of her "models" was the son of a brewer. Rapunzel looked up as she walked in, and gestured to it. "Grab a mug and help yourself, I forgot to tell you guys that we don't have any food."
"No food?" Cinderella echoed.
"Yeap, no food. One of my um, friends, is the town grocer. But he doesn't come by until tomorrow morning. So until then we have mead!" Cinderella looked over at her traveling companions, who had managed to get themselves three sheets to the wind in the short time she was gone. It wouldn't be the first time she'd had a liquid dinner. Or lunch. Or even breakfast really. Filling up her mug, she quickly downed it and filled up another. She had some catching up to do.
Prince Dimwit produced one of his gold coins and suggested they play "Heads or Tails." He would flip it and if it was heads, the women would chug half a cup of mead. If it was tails, the men would. Rabbit was already out cold and presumably dreaming of a world in which he wasn't covered with the dried sperm of the stupidest human being on the planet. The women agreed and the game was on. Two hours later, Prince Dimwit was passed out next to Rabbit on the couch (who wouldn't be too thrilled in the morning) and Rapunzel was in her bedroom, heaving the contents of her stomach into a chamber pot. Which left Cinderella and James, for all intents and purposes, alone and drunk in the living room.
Cinderella looked over at James, knowing what was on his mind. "Five years huh?"
"Five long years. But even if it hadn't been that long, I would still want you."
Cinderella rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, you can do better than that."
"Not really, my mind isn't working anymore. And I'm having trouble pronouncing my words. It's like those last ten cups of wine made me hard, shut my brain off and turned my tongue 4 inches thick."
"Hmmm. The perfect man."
"Ha ha" James said sarcastically.
"Give me one good reason why I should sleep with you." Cinderella said, taking yet another drink. Might as well pretend to make him work for it, though it had pretty much been a foregone conclusion since she met him. He was funny, attractive, clean, had all his teeth and obviously took pains to remain disease-free. A lot better than the first and only guy she'd ever slept with, who was a sweet guy, but not overly acquainted with soap.
James thought for a bit in response to her request. "Well, one reason is that it's been so long for me, I won't even be able to tell if you're bad at it. It'll automatically be the best I've ever had. Forever. That's just it. Nothing else will ever compare, to the first time I had sex again after five long years."
Cinderella laughed. "I think you've closed the deal," she said. "I'll sleep with you just so I don't have to hear the words 'five long years' ever again." And, she thought to herself, because he was pretty damn hot. And clean. That was important.
June 2, 2005
A Demented Fairytale: Part Seven
A Demented Fairytale: Part Seven
(Parts One-Six can be found here.)
Cinderella woke up to the smell of eggs and bacon frying. She looked towards the kitchen and noted with some surprise that for a chauvinist, the former Frog Prince James seemed to be a pretty competent cook. She got up and wandered over to check out the food. "Looks good," she commented, peering into the pan.
"It's my peace offering for last night," James said.
Cinderella was born at night but it hadn't been last night. "Really?"
"No, I'm just thinking the way to between a woman's legs might be through a good meal." James cracked.
Cinderella couldn't help laughing at that. In her case that might actually be true, but she wasn't about to let him know that. "I wouldn't expect such a sexist pig to know how to cook, much less be good at it."
"What makes you think I'm a sexist pig?" He asked.
"Well you know, all that 'needing to get laid' crap."
"Are you kidding me woman? I'VE - BEEN - A - FROG - FOR - FIVE - YEARS," he said slowly, as if speaking to an idiot. "I'm not sexist, I'm just hungry and horny. You're confusing a natural physical reaction with chauvinism."
She thought about that for a moment. "Okay, I'll give you that."
"You will???"
"No, not THAT. I meant I'll concede that point. Jesus." She looked over at his hand, which was already at the laces to his pants. "How can you be ready that fast?"
"It's been over five years. It's pretty much been up for the last three." James said wryly.
"Oh."
Cinderella figured it might be prudent to make a timely exit from the kitchen. The guy was hot and pretty charming and she kept forgetting that she was supposed to be finding his advances offensive. She had to be careful, a little more forgetfulness or a pint of ale and she'd be on her back in the hay. She decided instead to try and wake her traveling companions. She found Rabbit under the table in the hallway, looking even more tired than the night before.
"Didn't get much sleep?" She asked.
"No. Those two bastards kept me up all night long with their noise. And you humans think WE'RE bad. Rabbits are prolific but quiet. You assholes think you're the only ones in the whole cottage."
"Hey, don't take it out on me. I wasn't the one who kept you up."
"Yeah I know, that slut. We should have just slept in the forest."
Cinderella decided to let that comment go by without an "I told you so" and headed towards her bedroom. As she opened the door, the stale smell of sex assaulted her senses, forcing her back into the hallway. Rethinking the wisdom of entering the room, she walked a few feet away then yelled "Breakfast is ready!!"
Two hours later, the travelers were fed, rested and ready to depart Red's. Well, almost all of them. James, Cinderella and Rabbit waited in amusement as Prince Dimwit stumbled out of the cottage, bleary-eyed and looking as if he had been hit by a train. A really skanky train.
"Sorry," he said "That woman is..." His voice trailed off and a bizarre expression crossed his face, like he couldn't decide whether to smile or throw up.
"Spare us the gory details," Cinderella said, starting up the road.
"Yeah," James chimed in, "Some of us haven't had sex in over--"
"FIVE YEARS!!!!" Everyone else shouted.
"I'd almost bang him just to get him to stop whining about it." Cinderella muttered under her breath.
"You and me both." Rabbit said, following her away.
After consulting their map, which had thankfully dried overnight, the group decided to walk a bit out of the way in order to spend the night in the small town of Reffulf. Prince Dimwit especially, was looking forward to a comfortable night sleeping in a bed versus the hard, cold ground. As they entered the outskirts of the town, they came upon a tall tower with a sign that said "Free room and board, restrictions apply." Figuring it didn't hurt to find out what those restrictions were, Cinderella looked around for the door. Except there wasn't any. Just an open window almost at the very top of the tower.
"Hello?!?!" She called out, trying to make her voice reach. A plain-faced young woman stuck her head out and replied "Yes?"
"We're here about the free room and board," James replied. "What are these restrictions that you have?"
"Well, it's not so much a restriction as it is an exchange of sorts."
"What would we be exchanging?" Cinderella asked.
"I like to paint men nude, in various stages of arousal. It's a hobby of sorts. You provide the model, I'll provide the free room and board."
Cinderella looked over at the two men in her party, "It's up to you guys."
James shrugged, "Let's do it. Like I said, it's been up for the last three years."
"You have a deal," Cinderella called up to the woman. "Where is the door?"
"There is no door," the woman answered. "You have to climb my hair." And with those words she shook her head, sending yards of beautiful, blonde hair, braided into a type of rope ladder, cascading down the side of the tower.
"You're fucking kidding me right?" James said.
Cinderella shrugged, grabbed hold of the hair rope and began to climb.
An hour later, the last of their party clambered through the window and landed on the floor with a plop.
"We're not doing that again are we?" Prince Dimwit asked.
"I don't see why not," James replied, "Being that we're already up here."
As she caught her breath, Cinderella looked around the room. The room was enormous but every inch of wall space was covered with paintings and sketches of nude men. Good-looking men, ugly men, skinny men, fat men, men with large penises, men with small penises, pretty much every type of man under the sun. The penis on the painting closest to her even had a large, odd-looking bump on it. Like a pimple, but on steroids.
The plain-faced woman introduced herself. She had a large rack, of paintbrushes, which she would periodically caress as she spoke. "I'm Rapunzel. Long story short, I was locked in here by a witch fifteen years ago. A prince came to rescue me, but I turned him down. In all honesty, I think I'm too fucking scared to leave this place." Not knowing what to say about that, the rest of the group introduced themselves in return and murmured fake sympathy noises.
"Can I offer you some refreshments," Rapunzel asked, "Or would you like to just get down to business." Everyone shook their heads, too exerted from their climb to consider eating. "Alright then, which one of you gentlemen is my model?"
"He is." Cinderella said, pointing at James.
"Ummm... Houston, we have a problem." James said. "Do I HAVE to be erect?"
"Absolutely." Rapunzel said.
"Why, what's the matter?" Cinderella asked. "You said it's been up for three years."
"Yeah okay, that was BEFORE you surrounded me with about five thousand pictures of naked men."
"Crap."
"Exactly."
"I'll do it," Prince Dimwit offered.
"What?"
"I'm um, all ready." He said, pointing down at his crotch, which was indeed at the ready.
"How can that be after all the bumpin' uglies you did last night?" Rabbit asked incredulously.
"Well Red gave me this little blue pill you see, she said it was a breath mint but I'm not so sure. All I know is that I've been up since she gave it to me and that was like 24 hours ago."
"Alright then, he's your man." Cinderella said to Rapunzel. "Where can we sleep?"
"Through those doors." As Prince Dimwit began to shed his clothes, the rest of the group headed towards the bedrooms. "Oh there's one more thing," Rapunzel said. "In case my model here has difficulties maintaining his level of excitement, we're going to need a contingency plan. My regular guy is on vacation."
"Huh?" Cinderella asked.
"She needs a fluffer." James replied.
"A what?"
"Someone to orally service the model so he can keep it hard while she draws."
"Oh." Cinderella couldn't help but feel a bit sickened at the thought. "Well it won't be me."
"Nor I," the Prince answered, "It hasn't been THAT long. Which leaves..." They both turned to look at the Rabbit.
"Oh no...." Rabbit said, backing away.
"It took us an hour to climb up here. We're not leaving and you can't climb down by yourself." Cinderella said.
"I say we draw straws," Rabbit said.
"I say you pray Red's pill lasts long enough for Rapunzel to get her painting done." Cinderella and James turned and walked through the doors, leaving Rabbit to ponder his fate.
"This is worse than the stew."
"Don't worry," James called back. "Just pretend it's a carrot. But without the biting and stuff."
(Parts One-Six can be found here.)
Cinderella woke up to the smell of eggs and bacon frying. She looked towards the kitchen and noted with some surprise that for a chauvinist, the former Frog Prince James seemed to be a pretty competent cook. She got up and wandered over to check out the food. "Looks good," she commented, peering into the pan.
"It's my peace offering for last night," James said.
Cinderella was born at night but it hadn't been last night. "Really?"
"No, I'm just thinking the way to between a woman's legs might be through a good meal." James cracked.
Cinderella couldn't help laughing at that. In her case that might actually be true, but she wasn't about to let him know that. "I wouldn't expect such a sexist pig to know how to cook, much less be good at it."
"What makes you think I'm a sexist pig?" He asked.
"Well you know, all that 'needing to get laid' crap."
"Are you kidding me woman? I'VE - BEEN - A - FROG - FOR - FIVE - YEARS," he said slowly, as if speaking to an idiot. "I'm not sexist, I'm just hungry and horny. You're confusing a natural physical reaction with chauvinism."
She thought about that for a moment. "Okay, I'll give you that."
"You will???"
"No, not THAT. I meant I'll concede that point. Jesus." She looked over at his hand, which was already at the laces to his pants. "How can you be ready that fast?"
"It's been over five years. It's pretty much been up for the last three." James said wryly.
"Oh."
Cinderella figured it might be prudent to make a timely exit from the kitchen. The guy was hot and pretty charming and she kept forgetting that she was supposed to be finding his advances offensive. She had to be careful, a little more forgetfulness or a pint of ale and she'd be on her back in the hay. She decided instead to try and wake her traveling companions. She found Rabbit under the table in the hallway, looking even more tired than the night before.
"Didn't get much sleep?" She asked.
"No. Those two bastards kept me up all night long with their noise. And you humans think WE'RE bad. Rabbits are prolific but quiet. You assholes think you're the only ones in the whole cottage."
"Hey, don't take it out on me. I wasn't the one who kept you up."
"Yeah I know, that slut. We should have just slept in the forest."
Cinderella decided to let that comment go by without an "I told you so" and headed towards her bedroom. As she opened the door, the stale smell of sex assaulted her senses, forcing her back into the hallway. Rethinking the wisdom of entering the room, she walked a few feet away then yelled "Breakfast is ready!!"
Two hours later, the travelers were fed, rested and ready to depart Red's. Well, almost all of them. James, Cinderella and Rabbit waited in amusement as Prince Dimwit stumbled out of the cottage, bleary-eyed and looking as if he had been hit by a train. A really skanky train.
"Sorry," he said "That woman is..." His voice trailed off and a bizarre expression crossed his face, like he couldn't decide whether to smile or throw up.
"Spare us the gory details," Cinderella said, starting up the road.
"Yeah," James chimed in, "Some of us haven't had sex in over--"
"FIVE YEARS!!!!" Everyone else shouted.
"I'd almost bang him just to get him to stop whining about it." Cinderella muttered under her breath.
"You and me both." Rabbit said, following her away.
After consulting their map, which had thankfully dried overnight, the group decided to walk a bit out of the way in order to spend the night in the small town of Reffulf. Prince Dimwit especially, was looking forward to a comfortable night sleeping in a bed versus the hard, cold ground. As they entered the outskirts of the town, they came upon a tall tower with a sign that said "Free room and board, restrictions apply." Figuring it didn't hurt to find out what those restrictions were, Cinderella looked around for the door. Except there wasn't any. Just an open window almost at the very top of the tower.
"Hello?!?!" She called out, trying to make her voice reach. A plain-faced young woman stuck her head out and replied "Yes?"
"We're here about the free room and board," James replied. "What are these restrictions that you have?"
"Well, it's not so much a restriction as it is an exchange of sorts."
"What would we be exchanging?" Cinderella asked.
"I like to paint men nude, in various stages of arousal. It's a hobby of sorts. You provide the model, I'll provide the free room and board."
Cinderella looked over at the two men in her party, "It's up to you guys."
James shrugged, "Let's do it. Like I said, it's been up for the last three years."
"You have a deal," Cinderella called up to the woman. "Where is the door?"
"There is no door," the woman answered. "You have to climb my hair." And with those words she shook her head, sending yards of beautiful, blonde hair, braided into a type of rope ladder, cascading down the side of the tower.
"You're fucking kidding me right?" James said.
Cinderella shrugged, grabbed hold of the hair rope and began to climb.
An hour later, the last of their party clambered through the window and landed on the floor with a plop.
"We're not doing that again are we?" Prince Dimwit asked.
"I don't see why not," James replied, "Being that we're already up here."
As she caught her breath, Cinderella looked around the room. The room was enormous but every inch of wall space was covered with paintings and sketches of nude men. Good-looking men, ugly men, skinny men, fat men, men with large penises, men with small penises, pretty much every type of man under the sun. The penis on the painting closest to her even had a large, odd-looking bump on it. Like a pimple, but on steroids.
The plain-faced woman introduced herself. She had a large rack, of paintbrushes, which she would periodically caress as she spoke. "I'm Rapunzel. Long story short, I was locked in here by a witch fifteen years ago. A prince came to rescue me, but I turned him down. In all honesty, I think I'm too fucking scared to leave this place." Not knowing what to say about that, the rest of the group introduced themselves in return and murmured fake sympathy noises.
"Can I offer you some refreshments," Rapunzel asked, "Or would you like to just get down to business." Everyone shook their heads, too exerted from their climb to consider eating. "Alright then, which one of you gentlemen is my model?"
"He is." Cinderella said, pointing at James.
"Ummm... Houston, we have a problem." James said. "Do I HAVE to be erect?"
"Absolutely." Rapunzel said.
"Why, what's the matter?" Cinderella asked. "You said it's been up for three years."
"Yeah okay, that was BEFORE you surrounded me with about five thousand pictures of naked men."
"Crap."
"Exactly."
"I'll do it," Prince Dimwit offered.
"What?"
"I'm um, all ready." He said, pointing down at his crotch, which was indeed at the ready.
"How can that be after all the bumpin' uglies you did last night?" Rabbit asked incredulously.
"Well Red gave me this little blue pill you see, she said it was a breath mint but I'm not so sure. All I know is that I've been up since she gave it to me and that was like 24 hours ago."
"Alright then, he's your man." Cinderella said to Rapunzel. "Where can we sleep?"
"Through those doors." As Prince Dimwit began to shed his clothes, the rest of the group headed towards the bedrooms. "Oh there's one more thing," Rapunzel said. "In case my model here has difficulties maintaining his level of excitement, we're going to need a contingency plan. My regular guy is on vacation."
"Huh?" Cinderella asked.
"She needs a fluffer." James replied.
"A what?"
"Someone to orally service the model so he can keep it hard while she draws."
"Oh." Cinderella couldn't help but feel a bit sickened at the thought. "Well it won't be me."
"Nor I," the Prince answered, "It hasn't been THAT long. Which leaves..." They both turned to look at the Rabbit.
"Oh no...." Rabbit said, backing away.
"It took us an hour to climb up here. We're not leaving and you can't climb down by yourself." Cinderella said.
"I say we draw straws," Rabbit said.
"I say you pray Red's pill lasts long enough for Rapunzel to get her painting done." Cinderella and James turned and walked through the doors, leaving Rabbit to ponder his fate.
"This is worse than the stew."
"Don't worry," James called back. "Just pretend it's a carrot. But without the biting and stuff."
April 6, 2005
A Demented Fairytale: Part Six
A Demented Fairytale: Part Six
Parts 1-5 can be found here.
Right at that moment, the door burst open.
Red stood in the doorway, hands on her hips as she surveyed the room. "What the hell is going on in here?" She quickly spied Cinderella on her hands and knees, lips puckered towards a slimy green frog. "What? You'd sleep with a frog but not me? What the hell is wrong with me?"
"I'm not sleeping with him you ass," Cinderella said crossly. "I'm just giving in to some well-executed blackmail. He says he's a prince in disguise and that if I don't kiss him and free him he'll sing that infernal beer bottle song until I do."
"Which was two seconds away from happening before you so rudely interupted," The Frog Prince added.
Red eyed the frog skeptically. "You fell for that? I've heard about this guy. 'Place me on your chest and your boobs will get magically bigger,'" she mimicked.
"You pervert!" Cinderella exclaimed, jumping away from him.
"Oh my God that was ONE FRICKEN TIME," the Frog yelled, "After like 12 shots of tequila. Excuse me for not immediately realizing that my smaller body would not metabolize liquor very well. I wasn't yet used to being a frog."
"Well you can STAY used to it."
"Oh come on, you've already made me beg. And I've already had to stoop to blackmail. Can't we just get to it? Come on, PLEEEEEAAAASE???"
Cinderella looked up at Red for a moment, who shrugged. "Fine," she sighed. "Let's do this." She leaned over and kissed the frog on top of its head.
At first, nothing happened. "See!!!" Red yelled triumphantly, "I told you he was a con artist." Cinderella drew her foot back to kick a froggy field goal through the window. But then, yellow sparks began emanating from the frog's body. A loud bang ensued and then the expected instant cloud of white smoke. A few seconds later, the smoke cleared and standing in the frog's place was a good-looking guy with dark hair and deep blue eyes. Who also happened to be butt naked. And surprisingly well endowed for one who had been a frog not ten seconds past. And fairly excited, one could only assume, at not being a frog any longer. Cinderella gaped for a moment then averted her eyes. Red of course, approached him and began caressing his ass. "My, you do clean up well," she purred, sliding her hand around the front.
The Frog-Prince-Who-Was-Now-Just-A-Prince grabbed her hand and pulled it from his body, muttering "Dirty slut" as he walked over to Cinderella.
"Thank you woman" he said, raising her hand to his lips and kissing it. Cinderella wondered how the hell she had gotten herself into a room with a naked Prince and one very angry yet horny Red.
"No worries," she said, taking her hand back and leaving the room as Prince Dimwit entered. "Don't ask." She told him as they passed.
The Former Frog Prince looked over at Red. "I'm assuming someone as popular as you has men's clothing readily available?"
"Anything you say sugar," she said, sauntering over to the chest at the foot of the bed. Opening the lid, she took out a shirt and a pair of breeches. "What would you do for some socks and shoes?" She asked coyly.
The Former Frog Prince rolled his eyes and grabbed the clothes, hastily donning them before rushing out of the room after Cinderella. He caught up with her outside the cottage, as she sat under a large oak.
"Sorry if I offended you with my early morning wood." He said.
"It's not morning," she replied, laughing at him.
"There's a time difference where I'm from. Yeah okay forget it. I'm a guy and you're hot."
"Thanks," she said. "So what's your real name again?"
"It's James," he responded. "What about yours?"
"Cinderella."
"Cinderella? Really? Were your parents on crack?"
"No, weed." She explained. "Everyone thinks it's some mean nickname but it's actually my real name. The first thing my mother did after giving birth was light up a joint. Unfortunately, she hadn't named me yet and when the town marshal came by she was still high."
"Well, um... at least it's an interesting conversation piece. Can I call you Cindy instead?"
"Why not. I'm not overly fond of that either but it's not worse than Cinderella. So what does a Prince do who's been a frog for as long as you have?"
"Get laid I guess."
She looked at him in disgust.
"What??" He asked defensively. "What the hell did you think I was going to say, 'I'm going to Disneyland!!'?"
"So why didn't you hit it with Red?" She asked.
"I didn't stay a frog for years and years so I could turn back into a human then get some disease that makes my penis turn green" he replied.
"Well don't come sniffing over here for that shit."
"Don't worry about it. Like I told you inside, you're a bit too mouthy and high-maintenance for me."
"I'm not high-maintenance!!"
"That's what they all say toots. But let me ask you this, after we banged would you expect me to call you afterwards?"
"Yes."
"Then there you go. High-maintenance."
The Prince laughed as Cinderella growled and strode angrily back towards the house, certain that the scumbag was checking her ass out. She pushed open the door to her room and walked in on Prince Dimwit and Red, naked on the bed.
"Swrrmmpphhy, wempfhl gemft oth" Red said, fairly articulately considering her mouth was full.
"Never mind," Cinderella sighed, "I'll go sleep on the couch." Grabbing her cloak to use as a blanket, she wrapped herself up tight and lay down on the couch. A few minutes later she heard the front door open but she was already falling asleep.
Parts 1-5 can be found here.
Right at that moment, the door burst open.
Red stood in the doorway, hands on her hips as she surveyed the room. "What the hell is going on in here?" She quickly spied Cinderella on her hands and knees, lips puckered towards a slimy green frog. "What? You'd sleep with a frog but not me? What the hell is wrong with me?"
"I'm not sleeping with him you ass," Cinderella said crossly. "I'm just giving in to some well-executed blackmail. He says he's a prince in disguise and that if I don't kiss him and free him he'll sing that infernal beer bottle song until I do."
"Which was two seconds away from happening before you so rudely interupted," The Frog Prince added.
Red eyed the frog skeptically. "You fell for that? I've heard about this guy. 'Place me on your chest and your boobs will get magically bigger,'" she mimicked.
"You pervert!" Cinderella exclaimed, jumping away from him.
"Oh my God that was ONE FRICKEN TIME," the Frog yelled, "After like 12 shots of tequila. Excuse me for not immediately realizing that my smaller body would not metabolize liquor very well. I wasn't yet used to being a frog."
"Well you can STAY used to it."
"Oh come on, you've already made me beg. And I've already had to stoop to blackmail. Can't we just get to it? Come on, PLEEEEEAAAASE???"
Cinderella looked up at Red for a moment, who shrugged. "Fine," she sighed. "Let's do this." She leaned over and kissed the frog on top of its head.
At first, nothing happened. "See!!!" Red yelled triumphantly, "I told you he was a con artist." Cinderella drew her foot back to kick a froggy field goal through the window. But then, yellow sparks began emanating from the frog's body. A loud bang ensued and then the expected instant cloud of white smoke. A few seconds later, the smoke cleared and standing in the frog's place was a good-looking guy with dark hair and deep blue eyes. Who also happened to be butt naked. And surprisingly well endowed for one who had been a frog not ten seconds past. And fairly excited, one could only assume, at not being a frog any longer. Cinderella gaped for a moment then averted her eyes. Red of course, approached him and began caressing his ass. "My, you do clean up well," she purred, sliding her hand around the front.
The Frog-Prince-Who-Was-Now-Just-A-Prince grabbed her hand and pulled it from his body, muttering "Dirty slut" as he walked over to Cinderella.
"Thank you woman" he said, raising her hand to his lips and kissing it. Cinderella wondered how the hell she had gotten herself into a room with a naked Prince and one very angry yet horny Red.
"No worries," she said, taking her hand back and leaving the room as Prince Dimwit entered. "Don't ask." She told him as they passed.
The Former Frog Prince looked over at Red. "I'm assuming someone as popular as you has men's clothing readily available?"
"Anything you say sugar," she said, sauntering over to the chest at the foot of the bed. Opening the lid, she took out a shirt and a pair of breeches. "What would you do for some socks and shoes?" She asked coyly.
The Former Frog Prince rolled his eyes and grabbed the clothes, hastily donning them before rushing out of the room after Cinderella. He caught up with her outside the cottage, as she sat under a large oak.
"Sorry if I offended you with my early morning wood." He said.
"It's not morning," she replied, laughing at him.
"There's a time difference where I'm from. Yeah okay forget it. I'm a guy and you're hot."
"Thanks," she said. "So what's your real name again?"
"It's James," he responded. "What about yours?"
"Cinderella."
"Cinderella? Really? Were your parents on crack?"
"No, weed." She explained. "Everyone thinks it's some mean nickname but it's actually my real name. The first thing my mother did after giving birth was light up a joint. Unfortunately, she hadn't named me yet and when the town marshal came by she was still high."
"Well, um... at least it's an interesting conversation piece. Can I call you Cindy instead?"
"Why not. I'm not overly fond of that either but it's not worse than Cinderella. So what does a Prince do who's been a frog for as long as you have?"
"Get laid I guess."
She looked at him in disgust.
"What??" He asked defensively. "What the hell did you think I was going to say, 'I'm going to Disneyland!!'?"
"So why didn't you hit it with Red?" She asked.
"I didn't stay a frog for years and years so I could turn back into a human then get some disease that makes my penis turn green" he replied.
"Well don't come sniffing over here for that shit."
"Don't worry about it. Like I told you inside, you're a bit too mouthy and high-maintenance for me."
"I'm not high-maintenance!!"
"That's what they all say toots. But let me ask you this, after we banged would you expect me to call you afterwards?"
"Yes."
"Then there you go. High-maintenance."
The Prince laughed as Cinderella growled and strode angrily back towards the house, certain that the scumbag was checking her ass out. She pushed open the door to her room and walked in on Prince Dimwit and Red, naked on the bed.
"Swrrmmpphhy, wempfhl gemft oth" Red said, fairly articulately considering her mouth was full.
"Never mind," Cinderella sighed, "I'll go sleep on the couch." Grabbing her cloak to use as a blanket, she wrapped herself up tight and lay down on the couch. A few minutes later she heard the front door open but she was already falling asleep.
March 13, 2005
A Demented Fairytale: Part Five
A Demented Fairytale: Part Five
(Parts 1-4 can be found here.)
Cinderella placed the rabbit and potato stew on the table, as her traveling companion Rabbit cowered in the corner of the room, alternating between looks of fear, disgust and fury.
"Look I'm sorry," She apologized, "But there was nothing else. There's no other game around here."
Rabbit turned green and gagged before responding. "Well why couldn't you have just eaten the potatoes? It's just plain cruel and disrespectful to be eating that in front of me."
"It could be worse you know." Cinderella responded, as she began laying down spoons and bowls. "It could be you all diced up in the pot, sauteed in rosemary and thyme. You should be thanking your lucky stars instead of bitching at me."
"Have you no shame?" Rabbit continued, "You're totally proving the animal point that humans are morally deficient creatures."
"You're being pretty brave for someone fairly low on the food chain. Now is not the time for you to have grown a pair. There are still some potatoes left in the kitchen. I wonder what we COULD eat THEM with?"
Rabbit scraped his tiny claws on the earthen floor and muttered "Well at least I know now what kind of people I'm keeping company with."
"Does that mean you'll be leaving us?" Cinderella snickered.
"Hell no," Rabbit answered. "If I left now the next time I see you guys I might be on the wrong end of the bow and arrow."
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?"
"Pretty much." Rabbit slowly began turning back to his normal shade. "I think I'll go play outside while you guys feast on the carcass of my murdered friend."
"You fucking liar," Cinderella said. You told us before we went hunting that you didn't know anyone in the area."
"That's because people like you ate them all. And not in the good way." Rabbit scurried out the door. Cinderella sighed and called Red and Prince Dimwit in to supper.
Half an hour later, she was suddenly tired and her head hurt. Most of the mealtime conversation had consisted of Red making sexual overtures towards her and her making sarcastic replies. Oddly enough, the prince wasn't acting as if the thought of two women having sex excited him. Instead he was being sullen, almost petulant as he vied for Cinderella’s attention with Red. He had to have been the only man in the Realm of Kingdoms that wasn't thrilled at the prospect of two women getting it on. Heaven knew her childhood friend Peter had spent many an afternoon trying to get her to "eat pumpkin," which she correctly assumed was his code for going down on random village women. Standing up from the table, she abruptly made her escape and spent the rest of the evening in the kitchen, the one room both Red and the pampered Prince refused to enter.
Some time in the wee hours of the morning, Cinderella woke up in alarm as a wet tongue slithered slowly up her thigh. She wondered for a second which of the cottage's two human residents was about to get a solid ass beating, then sat up and yelled "What the fuck are you doing?" Quickly lighting the lamp on the bedside table, she adjusted her vision and focused a glare on the person who had so rudely tried to molest her as she slept. Except that the person standing by the bed wasn't Red or Prince Dimwit. In fact, he wasn't even a human being at all. The intruder looked about as shocked as she felt, if his facial expression was any indication. Assuming of course that it was possible for frogs to have facial expressions.
"Who the hell are you?" The frog demanded.
"What? You just came into MY fucking room, who the hell are YOU?" Cinderella shot back. Amphibian or not, she wasn't about to let him speak to her that way after he had licked her without so much as a by-your-leave.
"My name is James. And believe it or not, I'm actually a prince who was turned into a frog by an evil sorceress."
Cindella snorted. "Rooooiiiiiiight. Seriously, who are you?"
"I AM being serious. I was turned into a frog and the only way I can be changed back into my human form is for a princess to kiss me. That's why I came here, I was looking for the woman known as Red."
"Red?" Cinderella laughed. "She's not a real princess. 'Princess Whorebag' is just a nickname. Only the last part is true."
"Well even a regular woman who thinks she's a princess will do. The sorceress was old and didn't read the incantation properly. That's kind of how I got into this mess. She hit on me at some tavern and being wasted out of my mind, I told her it would be physically impossible for me to get it up for a wrinkled old broad like her."
"Yeah I can see how she might have taken exception to that. So you came to get a kiss from Red and decided to help yourself to something more?"
"Well it's not exactly a secret that she's easier than a drunken cheerleader on prom night."
"I see." Cinderella couldn't fault his logic when it was so accurate.
"Actually, I just figured she's be more amenable to kissing a frog if it pleasured her first."
Cinderella didn't respond since in all probability he was right about that.
The Frog Prince jumped up onto the bed. "Well it's been lovely chatting with you and all but can you please kiss me? You've been cuntier than most. I have a feeling you'll do. What do you say, shall we have a go at it?"
"Wow, I can't even begin to tell you how overwhelmingly flattered I am by that romantic proposal."
"Come on… please???"
"No."
"Pretty please???" The frog begged.
"Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full."
"Pretty please with a cherry on top? Yours if you want." The frog laughed at his own joke.
"Har har, that's it. Disgusting comments like that will definitely encourage me to help you."
"Okay look. In all seriousness, I've been like this for five long years. Despite the sarcasm you seem like a genuinely nice person. I would be forever in your debt if you would help me."
"I won't have to marry you if I do it will I?"
"Oh hell no. What do you think this is, a fucking fairy tale? I wouldn't have you anyway."
"And why not?" She asked, affronted.
"You're too mouthy. When I finally marry a woman, she'll have to be meek and submissive."
"Yeah okay you sexist pig frog. You just killed all chance of me helping you." She lay back down and closed her eyes. "Good night. Don't let the door hit your slimy little green ass on the way out."
"Okay I asked nicely. I even begged nicely. Now you're leaving me with no choice but to get nasty," The frog threatened.
"Really?" Cinderella sneered. "What is your tiny helpless self going to do?"
The Frog Prince hopped onto a shelf out of her reach and loudly began singing in an off-key voice. "ONE MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, ONE MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER. YOU TAKE ONE DOWN AND PASS IT AROUND, NINE-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEERS ON THE WALL."
Cinderella got out of the bed and lunged towards her tormenter, who leapt agilely onto the windowsill and started singing again. "NINE-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEERS ON THE WALL, NINE-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER. YOU TAKE ONE DOWN—“
"OKAY ENOUGH!!!!!!!!" Cinderella screamed. "You win for God's sake. You fucking slimy, annoying, disgusting-"
"NINE-HUNDRED AND NINE-"
"Oh God oh God oh God shut up!! I'll do it. Come here already. Christ."
The frog joyfully hopped back onto the bed and puckered up. A split second later, a fist plowed into his face, sending him flying into the wall with a sickening splat sound.
"You promised!!" He cried, rubbing his head.
"I'm still going to kiss you asshole, but that was for the shit you just pulled on me. I dislike being blackmailed. You're lucky I never break my word."
The Frog Prince gingerly approached her yet again. Cinderella paused for a long moment just to fuck with his head, then bent down to kiss him.
(Parts 1-4 can be found here.)
Cinderella placed the rabbit and potato stew on the table, as her traveling companion Rabbit cowered in the corner of the room, alternating between looks of fear, disgust and fury.
"Look I'm sorry," She apologized, "But there was nothing else. There's no other game around here."
Rabbit turned green and gagged before responding. "Well why couldn't you have just eaten the potatoes? It's just plain cruel and disrespectful to be eating that in front of me."
"It could be worse you know." Cinderella responded, as she began laying down spoons and bowls. "It could be you all diced up in the pot, sauteed in rosemary and thyme. You should be thanking your lucky stars instead of bitching at me."
"Have you no shame?" Rabbit continued, "You're totally proving the animal point that humans are morally deficient creatures."
"You're being pretty brave for someone fairly low on the food chain. Now is not the time for you to have grown a pair. There are still some potatoes left in the kitchen. I wonder what we COULD eat THEM with?"
Rabbit scraped his tiny claws on the earthen floor and muttered "Well at least I know now what kind of people I'm keeping company with."
"Does that mean you'll be leaving us?" Cinderella snickered.
"Hell no," Rabbit answered. "If I left now the next time I see you guys I might be on the wrong end of the bow and arrow."
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?"
"Pretty much." Rabbit slowly began turning back to his normal shade. "I think I'll go play outside while you guys feast on the carcass of my murdered friend."
"You fucking liar," Cinderella said. You told us before we went hunting that you didn't know anyone in the area."
"That's because people like you ate them all. And not in the good way." Rabbit scurried out the door. Cinderella sighed and called Red and Prince Dimwit in to supper.
Half an hour later, she was suddenly tired and her head hurt. Most of the mealtime conversation had consisted of Red making sexual overtures towards her and her making sarcastic replies. Oddly enough, the prince wasn't acting as if the thought of two women having sex excited him. Instead he was being sullen, almost petulant as he vied for Cinderella’s attention with Red. He had to have been the only man in the Realm of Kingdoms that wasn't thrilled at the prospect of two women getting it on. Heaven knew her childhood friend Peter had spent many an afternoon trying to get her to "eat pumpkin," which she correctly assumed was his code for going down on random village women. Standing up from the table, she abruptly made her escape and spent the rest of the evening in the kitchen, the one room both Red and the pampered Prince refused to enter.
Some time in the wee hours of the morning, Cinderella woke up in alarm as a wet tongue slithered slowly up her thigh. She wondered for a second which of the cottage's two human residents was about to get a solid ass beating, then sat up and yelled "What the fuck are you doing?" Quickly lighting the lamp on the bedside table, she adjusted her vision and focused a glare on the person who had so rudely tried to molest her as she slept. Except that the person standing by the bed wasn't Red or Prince Dimwit. In fact, he wasn't even a human being at all. The intruder looked about as shocked as she felt, if his facial expression was any indication. Assuming of course that it was possible for frogs to have facial expressions.
"Who the hell are you?" The frog demanded.
"What? You just came into MY fucking room, who the hell are YOU?" Cinderella shot back. Amphibian or not, she wasn't about to let him speak to her that way after he had licked her without so much as a by-your-leave.
"My name is James. And believe it or not, I'm actually a prince who was turned into a frog by an evil sorceress."
Cindella snorted. "Rooooiiiiiiight. Seriously, who are you?"
"I AM being serious. I was turned into a frog and the only way I can be changed back into my human form is for a princess to kiss me. That's why I came here, I was looking for the woman known as Red."
"Red?" Cinderella laughed. "She's not a real princess. 'Princess Whorebag' is just a nickname. Only the last part is true."
"Well even a regular woman who thinks she's a princess will do. The sorceress was old and didn't read the incantation properly. That's kind of how I got into this mess. She hit on me at some tavern and being wasted out of my mind, I told her it would be physically impossible for me to get it up for a wrinkled old broad like her."
"Yeah I can see how she might have taken exception to that. So you came to get a kiss from Red and decided to help yourself to something more?"
"Well it's not exactly a secret that she's easier than a drunken cheerleader on prom night."
"I see." Cinderella couldn't fault his logic when it was so accurate.
"Actually, I just figured she's be more amenable to kissing a frog if it pleasured her first."
Cinderella didn't respond since in all probability he was right about that.
The Frog Prince jumped up onto the bed. "Well it's been lovely chatting with you and all but can you please kiss me? You've been cuntier than most. I have a feeling you'll do. What do you say, shall we have a go at it?"
"Wow, I can't even begin to tell you how overwhelmingly flattered I am by that romantic proposal."
"Come on… please???"
"No."
"Pretty please???" The frog begged.
"Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full."
"Pretty please with a cherry on top? Yours if you want." The frog laughed at his own joke.
"Har har, that's it. Disgusting comments like that will definitely encourage me to help you."
"Okay look. In all seriousness, I've been like this for five long years. Despite the sarcasm you seem like a genuinely nice person. I would be forever in your debt if you would help me."
"I won't have to marry you if I do it will I?"
"Oh hell no. What do you think this is, a fucking fairy tale? I wouldn't have you anyway."
"And why not?" She asked, affronted.
"You're too mouthy. When I finally marry a woman, she'll have to be meek and submissive."
"Yeah okay you sexist pig frog. You just killed all chance of me helping you." She lay back down and closed her eyes. "Good night. Don't let the door hit your slimy little green ass on the way out."
"Okay I asked nicely. I even begged nicely. Now you're leaving me with no choice but to get nasty," The frog threatened.
"Really?" Cinderella sneered. "What is your tiny helpless self going to do?"
The Frog Prince hopped onto a shelf out of her reach and loudly began singing in an off-key voice. "ONE MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, ONE MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER. YOU TAKE ONE DOWN AND PASS IT AROUND, NINE-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEERS ON THE WALL."
Cinderella got out of the bed and lunged towards her tormenter, who leapt agilely onto the windowsill and started singing again. "NINE-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEERS ON THE WALL, NINE-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER. YOU TAKE ONE DOWN—“
"OKAY ENOUGH!!!!!!!!" Cinderella screamed. "You win for God's sake. You fucking slimy, annoying, disgusting-"
"NINE-HUNDRED AND NINE-"
"Oh God oh God oh God shut up!! I'll do it. Come here already. Christ."
The frog joyfully hopped back onto the bed and puckered up. A split second later, a fist plowed into his face, sending him flying into the wall with a sickening splat sound.
"You promised!!" He cried, rubbing his head.
"I'm still going to kiss you asshole, but that was for the shit you just pulled on me. I dislike being blackmailed. You're lucky I never break my word."
The Frog Prince gingerly approached her yet again. Cinderella paused for a long moment just to fuck with his head, then bent down to kiss him.
March 9, 2005
A Demented Fairytale: Part Four
A Demented Fairytale: Part Four
(Parts 1-3 can be found here.)
After a couple more hours of walking, the Prince started to complain of stomach pains. Cinderella started to snark that perhaps he was dwarf-semen intolerant, but decided it would take too long to explain the joke. The Prince excused himself to a more private spot in the woods and walked away, his buttcheeks clenched tight enough to turn a lump of coal into a diamond.
The Rabbit looked after him worriedly. "Maybe I'd better go after him," he said, scampering after the Prince.
"He might use you as toilet paper," she called after him, but he was too far away to hear.
Ten minutes later, Cinderella heard someone behind her and turned around, thinking it was her companions. She was mistaken. She stared disbelievingly as her arch-nemesis Little Red Riding Hood came strolling up to her. Red was beautiful, in that childlike way that got dirty old men hot and bothered, until they realized she was actually a lot older than she looked. Of all the random areas in the vast Enchanted Forest, this broad had to walk into hers.
"Hey there!" Red called out. Cinderella remained silent.
"You're not still mad are you?"
Cinderella stared incredulously at her. "Let me see. You ran off with my stepdad and left me to be enslaved by pigs. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm still a tad pissed."
"That wasn't my idea though," Red said earnestly. "Your dad is the one that wanted to travel the world or some other nonsense."
"Right. Where is my dear father anyway?"
Red suddenly looked uncertain. "You don't know?"
"Yes Red, " Cinderella said sarcastically. "I do know. That's why I'm asking you. Because I know the answer."
"Crap." Red toyed with the strings to her cloak for awhile, then finally answered. "Well... he died."
"What??? Are you kidding me? How did it happen?"
"Well we were in bed and he was riding me, heh, and then he just kind of died."
"Just kind of died..." Cinderella echoed in shock. Red felt compelled to elaborate.
"Well he gave a particularly forceful thrust and then froze and I thought he was co-"
"Stop. I get the picture. Unfortunately." Cinderella didn't know whether to cry or vomit. The guy was a weak drunkard who had once tried to use her virginity as collateral in a game of poker, but he was still her father.
"It was really awful. He was still hard so we got stuck and some of the villagers had to come with pig lard and-"
"Jesus Christ woman, just shut the fuck up already. I swear to God." Red wisely fell silent while Cinderella contemplated the concept that her last remaining relative had fucked himself to death. She was surprised by the twinge of sadness she felt. He wasn't her real father, but he was the only father she had ever known. Then she remembered that he had pretty much sold her into slavery to cover his gaming losses and quickly got over it.
Rabbit and Prince Dimwit emerged from the woods, interrupting her thoughts.
"Well hello there," Red purred to the Prince.
"Hallooo," the Prince smiled back innocently.
Cinderella broke in, thankful for an excuse to leave. "Well, see ya."
"Wait," Red said, "Where are you guys heading?"
"We're on our way to the Sleeping Beauty's castle."
"That's days from here, don't you need a place to spend the night? It's almost dark."
"We'll sleep in the woods," Cinderella said, starting away once more.
"Why do that when I there's a comfy cottage just a few minutes from here?"
"Whose cottage is that?"
"My gram's," Red explained. "I was going to hit her up for some cash but when I got there some wolf had already eaten her. And not in the good way. I got away though, you know me."
Cinderella did know her. "Jesus Red, you banged a wolf? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is, even for someone as depraved as you?"
Red laughed. "No no, silly. I'm a slut but I do have some standards. He was obviously poor. Some woodcutter heard me screaming and saved me. He was hot so I offered him a good time to show my gratitude, but he said no."
"Why is it that I'm totally not believing you." Cinderella commented.
"No really. He just wanted to borrow my lipstick and wear my underwear for awhile. He even put on my red riding hood. It was weird but whatever. I've seen weirder."
Cinderella turned to look at the Prince and the Rabbit. They were both looking at her imploringly, wanting to stay with Red for the night, but unwilling to risk her wrath by saying it. Cinderella sighed and decided she could swallow her pride for a night. She hadn't been looking forward to sleeping outside anyway.
"Come on sweetie," Red coaxed. "I'll even make dinner."
"You can cook?" Cinderella asked skeptically.
"No. But you can right?" She turned and started making her way towards the cottage, Rabbit and the Prince right behind her. Cinderella wondered if Red would take it personally if she shoved her foot right up her ass. Nahh. She'd probably enjoy it. Crazy slut. Cinderella started walking in the direction they had gone, promising herself she'd get to bitchslap Red at least once in the next 12 hours.
(Parts 1-3 can be found here.)
After a couple more hours of walking, the Prince started to complain of stomach pains. Cinderella started to snark that perhaps he was dwarf-semen intolerant, but decided it would take too long to explain the joke. The Prince excused himself to a more private spot in the woods and walked away, his buttcheeks clenched tight enough to turn a lump of coal into a diamond.
The Rabbit looked after him worriedly. "Maybe I'd better go after him," he said, scampering after the Prince.
"He might use you as toilet paper," she called after him, but he was too far away to hear.
Ten minutes later, Cinderella heard someone behind her and turned around, thinking it was her companions. She was mistaken. She stared disbelievingly as her arch-nemesis Little Red Riding Hood came strolling up to her. Red was beautiful, in that childlike way that got dirty old men hot and bothered, until they realized she was actually a lot older than she looked. Of all the random areas in the vast Enchanted Forest, this broad had to walk into hers.
"Hey there!" Red called out. Cinderella remained silent.
"You're not still mad are you?"
Cinderella stared incredulously at her. "Let me see. You ran off with my stepdad and left me to be enslaved by pigs. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm still a tad pissed."
"That wasn't my idea though," Red said earnestly. "Your dad is the one that wanted to travel the world or some other nonsense."
"Right. Where is my dear father anyway?"
Red suddenly looked uncertain. "You don't know?"
"Yes Red, " Cinderella said sarcastically. "I do know. That's why I'm asking you. Because I know the answer."
"Crap." Red toyed with the strings to her cloak for awhile, then finally answered. "Well... he died."
"What??? Are you kidding me? How did it happen?"
"Well we were in bed and he was riding me, heh, and then he just kind of died."
"Just kind of died..." Cinderella echoed in shock. Red felt compelled to elaborate.
"Well he gave a particularly forceful thrust and then froze and I thought he was co-"
"Stop. I get the picture. Unfortunately." Cinderella didn't know whether to cry or vomit. The guy was a weak drunkard who had once tried to use her virginity as collateral in a game of poker, but he was still her father.
"It was really awful. He was still hard so we got stuck and some of the villagers had to come with pig lard and-"
"Jesus Christ woman, just shut the fuck up already. I swear to God." Red wisely fell silent while Cinderella contemplated the concept that her last remaining relative had fucked himself to death. She was surprised by the twinge of sadness she felt. He wasn't her real father, but he was the only father she had ever known. Then she remembered that he had pretty much sold her into slavery to cover his gaming losses and quickly got over it.
Rabbit and Prince Dimwit emerged from the woods, interrupting her thoughts.
"Well hello there," Red purred to the Prince.
"Hallooo," the Prince smiled back innocently.
Cinderella broke in, thankful for an excuse to leave. "Well, see ya."
"Wait," Red said, "Where are you guys heading?"
"We're on our way to the Sleeping Beauty's castle."
"That's days from here, don't you need a place to spend the night? It's almost dark."
"We'll sleep in the woods," Cinderella said, starting away once more.
"Why do that when I there's a comfy cottage just a few minutes from here?"
"Whose cottage is that?"
"My gram's," Red explained. "I was going to hit her up for some cash but when I got there some wolf had already eaten her. And not in the good way. I got away though, you know me."
Cinderella did know her. "Jesus Red, you banged a wolf? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is, even for someone as depraved as you?"
Red laughed. "No no, silly. I'm a slut but I do have some standards. He was obviously poor. Some woodcutter heard me screaming and saved me. He was hot so I offered him a good time to show my gratitude, but he said no."
"Why is it that I'm totally not believing you." Cinderella commented.
"No really. He just wanted to borrow my lipstick and wear my underwear for awhile. He even put on my red riding hood. It was weird but whatever. I've seen weirder."
Cinderella turned to look at the Prince and the Rabbit. They were both looking at her imploringly, wanting to stay with Red for the night, but unwilling to risk her wrath by saying it. Cinderella sighed and decided she could swallow her pride for a night. She hadn't been looking forward to sleeping outside anyway.
"Come on sweetie," Red coaxed. "I'll even make dinner."
"You can cook?" Cinderella asked skeptically.
"No. But you can right?" She turned and started making her way towards the cottage, Rabbit and the Prince right behind her. Cinderella wondered if Red would take it personally if she shoved her foot right up her ass. Nahh. She'd probably enjoy it. Crazy slut. Cinderella started walking in the direction they had gone, promising herself she'd get to bitchslap Red at least once in the next 12 hours.
February 22, 2005
A Demented Fairytale: Part Three
A Demented Fairytale: Part Three
(Parts One and Two can be found here.)
After a couple hours of trudging through the dense forest, the trio came to a clearing in the woods. Cinderella stopped and stared, feeling as if she had walked into some deranged porn video. 7 fat little men, no higher than her waist, sat in a circle masturbating furiously. In the center of the circle lay a dead maiden on a bed of flowers, protected by a glass dome. And for good reason. Judging from the streaks on the glass and the puddles around the edge, if the dome had had any holes in it, Pale Dead Chick would have died another death from drowning. Cinderella could only assume that drowning in dwarf semen was not the most pleasant of ways to die. Even if one was already dead.
The dwarfs froze as the travellers entered the clearing, before scrambling to cover themselves while yelling "Don't you knock?!?!?"
Averting her eyes as she answered, but failing to stifle a giggle, Cinderella apologized and asked for directions towards Sleeping Beauty's castle. The dwarves grumbled a little about people not being raised right, then noticed her beauty. They quickly overcame their embarrassment and fell over themselves to give her directions. Except one rather well-dressed dwarf, who was making eyes at the Prince. And one in overalls, who was making eyes at the rabbit. Cinderella picked up the frightened rabbit and asked if they could possibly write the directions down. The dwarf in overalls headed back to the cottage for some parchment and a quill, muttering "Not like I can do anything with you hovering over that pretty bundle of moist fur anyway."
The dwarves headed over to a large basket of food on the other side of the coffin and began taking fruit, loaves of bread and hunks of cheese out of it. Plunking down onto the ground, they offered the newcomers some of their rough supper. With a pointed glance at their unwashed hands, Cinderella politely declined. But Prince Dimwit walked over and happily accepted their food. As he chewed, he mused aloud at the unique flavor of the offerings. "What an interesting sauce," he said, licking his lips. "It tastes bland and yet a bit tangy. Smells like bleach though."
Cinderella gagged and turned to look impatiently towards the cottage, wondering how long it could possibly take to fetch parchment and a quill. Deciding to make small talk before the Prince could once again launch into a description of the dwarves' special sauce, she inquired about the deceased maiden.
"So what's up with the pale dead chick?"
"Her evil bitch of a stepmother poisoned her," one dwarf explained.
"How long ago did she die?" Cinderella asked.
"A few years I guess. Maybe more." The dwarves looked sadly at the coffin.
Cinderella was confused. "Huh? How come she's not all decomposed then?"
"Some spell of some sort. All we know is that one day, her true love will come and save her. Some prince."
At that, Prince Dimwit perked up. "Really? A prince like me?"
The dwarves were not pleased at the idea of losing their spank bank material. They loved the maiden, but they loved the fact that they could jerk off without worrying about her walking in on them even more. "No, not her true love. Her true GLOVE. Some day, a prince will walk in and he'll happen to be carrying a pair of her gloves. Then she'll wake up and be happy again."
Prince Dimwit was saddened by the news. "Oh. That's not me then. I don't have any of her gloves." The dwarves sighed in relief as Cinderella rolled her eyes.
The dwarf in the overalls came um, striding back into the clearing. He handed the other dwarves the parchment to proofread his directions, then helped himself to an apple. Cinderella was disgusted to see that he hadn't thought to wash his hands either. Which would explain the sores on his mouth she supposed.
Satisfied the directions were accurate to the best of their combined knowledge, Overall Dwarf offered them to Cinderella. She reached out to take it, then thought better of it. "Um, you take it Prince. In fact, why don't you just hang onto them." The Prince wiped his mouth on his sleeve and grabbed the paper. He started to fold it until the rabbit suggested rolling it instead, so the directions wouldn't be ruined when the sticky edges dried. Cinderella shook her head at this further proof that a woodland creature with a brain the size of a grape was still smarter than her new friend.
Bidding the dwarves adieu, the travellers left the clearing to the tune of seven trousers unzipping in unison.
(Parts One and Two can be found here.)
After a couple hours of trudging through the dense forest, the trio came to a clearing in the woods. Cinderella stopped and stared, feeling as if she had walked into some deranged porn video. 7 fat little men, no higher than her waist, sat in a circle masturbating furiously. In the center of the circle lay a dead maiden on a bed of flowers, protected by a glass dome. And for good reason. Judging from the streaks on the glass and the puddles around the edge, if the dome had had any holes in it, Pale Dead Chick would have died another death from drowning. Cinderella could only assume that drowning in dwarf semen was not the most pleasant of ways to die. Even if one was already dead.
The dwarfs froze as the travellers entered the clearing, before scrambling to cover themselves while yelling "Don't you knock?!?!?"
Averting her eyes as she answered, but failing to stifle a giggle, Cinderella apologized and asked for directions towards Sleeping Beauty's castle. The dwarves grumbled a little about people not being raised right, then noticed her beauty. They quickly overcame their embarrassment and fell over themselves to give her directions. Except one rather well-dressed dwarf, who was making eyes at the Prince. And one in overalls, who was making eyes at the rabbit. Cinderella picked up the frightened rabbit and asked if they could possibly write the directions down. The dwarf in overalls headed back to the cottage for some parchment and a quill, muttering "Not like I can do anything with you hovering over that pretty bundle of moist fur anyway."
The dwarves headed over to a large basket of food on the other side of the coffin and began taking fruit, loaves of bread and hunks of cheese out of it. Plunking down onto the ground, they offered the newcomers some of their rough supper. With a pointed glance at their unwashed hands, Cinderella politely declined. But Prince Dimwit walked over and happily accepted their food. As he chewed, he mused aloud at the unique flavor of the offerings. "What an interesting sauce," he said, licking his lips. "It tastes bland and yet a bit tangy. Smells like bleach though."
Cinderella gagged and turned to look impatiently towards the cottage, wondering how long it could possibly take to fetch parchment and a quill. Deciding to make small talk before the Prince could once again launch into a description of the dwarves' special sauce, she inquired about the deceased maiden.
"So what's up with the pale dead chick?"
"Her evil bitch of a stepmother poisoned her," one dwarf explained.
"How long ago did she die?" Cinderella asked.
"A few years I guess. Maybe more." The dwarves looked sadly at the coffin.
Cinderella was confused. "Huh? How come she's not all decomposed then?"
"Some spell of some sort. All we know is that one day, her true love will come and save her. Some prince."
At that, Prince Dimwit perked up. "Really? A prince like me?"
The dwarves were not pleased at the idea of losing their spank bank material. They loved the maiden, but they loved the fact that they could jerk off without worrying about her walking in on them even more. "No, not her true love. Her true GLOVE. Some day, a prince will walk in and he'll happen to be carrying a pair of her gloves. Then she'll wake up and be happy again."
Prince Dimwit was saddened by the news. "Oh. That's not me then. I don't have any of her gloves." The dwarves sighed in relief as Cinderella rolled her eyes.
The dwarf in the overalls came um, striding back into the clearing. He handed the other dwarves the parchment to proofread his directions, then helped himself to an apple. Cinderella was disgusted to see that he hadn't thought to wash his hands either. Which would explain the sores on his mouth she supposed.
Satisfied the directions were accurate to the best of their combined knowledge, Overall Dwarf offered them to Cinderella. She reached out to take it, then thought better of it. "Um, you take it Prince. In fact, why don't you just hang onto them." The Prince wiped his mouth on his sleeve and grabbed the paper. He started to fold it until the rabbit suggested rolling it instead, so the directions wouldn't be ruined when the sticky edges dried. Cinderella shook her head at this further proof that a woodland creature with a brain the size of a grape was still smarter than her new friend.
Bidding the dwarves adieu, the travellers left the clearing to the tune of seven trousers unzipping in unison.
September 6, 2004
A Demented Fairy Tale (Part Two)
A Demented Fairy Tale (Part Two)
Ten minutes later, the unlikely pair was on their way. The entrance to the Enchanted Forest was located on the other side of the village. As they walked through the town, they passed the saloon where Bo Peep served drinks and other refreshments on the side. Preoccupied by the sight of a big fat egg with feet, sitting precariously on the edge of the town wall, Cinderella stepped in something slippery.
"Dammit," she muttered, bending down to examine her shoe.
"Sorry," squeaked a little voice from her right. A small rabbit was standing there, a faint blush tingeing his furry white cheeks. "Bambi was hogging the outhouse and the nearest tree was too far away." He took the lettuce he'd been eating and began wiping at her heel. She looked around and realized there had to be a hundred or so random animals lounging around outside the saloon.
"What are you all waiting for?" she asked.
"The Pied Piper is getting his pipe cleaned, if you know what I mean." The rabbit smirked. "We don't know where to go without him."
Cinderella laughed. The door opened and "Little" Bo Peep walked out, followed by an exhausted-looking man clutching a wooden flute. Bo may have been little when she was younger, but as with many women, her metabolism caught up with her once she hit her mid-twenties. All those mugs of ale didn't help either. The calories she worked off making her living, were packed back on the moment she came back downstairs and downed a few more brewskies. Or ten.
"Hey cuz, finally took my advice and picked yourself up a man I see." Bo glanced at Prince Dimwit appraisingly, who didn't notice because he was busy tying his shoelaces and muttering "one loop, two loops, through the loop and pull" to himself. Cinderella shook her head in disgust.
"No way. I'm just his guide. Have at it if you want, but I must warn you. I think he has a major Oedipal complex."
Bo Peep looked disappointed. "Never mind then. What brings you my way?"
"I need the money I lent you," Cinderella explained.
"I don't have it yet, I took an I.O.U. from the guy with the pipe," Bo said.
"What? Why" Cinderella asked in bewilderment.
"Because he had quite a pipe on him." Bo laughed at her own joke. She turned to look at Prince Dimwit. "Hey sugar, you got any money on you?"
The Prince pulled out a velvet bag with "Allowance" stitched on the side in gold thread. Cinderella shook her head. "No don't get it from him, get it from someone else. We're going to need his money too."
Bo looked around for any prospective clients in the vicinity. Spying the fat egg guy on the wall, Bo tugged down the neckline of her low-cut dress, pushed up her considerable bosoms and headed over to him. "Well hello there sexy" she purred.
Big Egg Guy's eyes bugged out and he jumped in shock. Losing his balance completely, he toppled off the wall and hit the ground with a sickening crack. Bo checked for a pulse and finding none, shrugged then began to comb through his pockets. She sauntered back to Cinderella and handed her some coins. "Don't assess a late fee okay," she quipped. "I'm fresh out of people to accidentally kill."
Cinderella stared at the coins in her hand and looked back up at her cousin. "You really are a sociopath, you know that?"
"Yes. But don't tell the men. They really fall for the sweet and innocent crap." Bo blew her cousin a kiss and sauntered back into the saloon.
"She's really nice." Prince Dimwit said. Cinderella rolled her eyes. The little white rabbit tugged at the hem of her dress.
"Can I come with you?" he asked.
"Sure," Cinderella replied. "But if we run out of food, I know for a fact you'd taste good sauteed in wine sauce with minced garlic. I think I ate your brother once."
"Really??" the rabbit squealed in fright.
"No, not really," Cinderella sighed. "I'm a vegetarian."
"Really???"
"Yes, if vegetables have four legs and bleed. Let's bounce."
She turned and headed towards the entrance to the forest. Prince Dimwit and the rabbit watched for a moment, then followed her.
Ten minutes later, the unlikely pair was on their way. The entrance to the Enchanted Forest was located on the other side of the village. As they walked through the town, they passed the saloon where Bo Peep served drinks and other refreshments on the side. Preoccupied by the sight of a big fat egg with feet, sitting precariously on the edge of the town wall, Cinderella stepped in something slippery.
"Dammit," she muttered, bending down to examine her shoe.
"Sorry," squeaked a little voice from her right. A small rabbit was standing there, a faint blush tingeing his furry white cheeks. "Bambi was hogging the outhouse and the nearest tree was too far away." He took the lettuce he'd been eating and began wiping at her heel. She looked around and realized there had to be a hundred or so random animals lounging around outside the saloon.
"What are you all waiting for?" she asked.
"The Pied Piper is getting his pipe cleaned, if you know what I mean." The rabbit smirked. "We don't know where to go without him."
Cinderella laughed. The door opened and "Little" Bo Peep walked out, followed by an exhausted-looking man clutching a wooden flute. Bo may have been little when she was younger, but as with many women, her metabolism caught up with her once she hit her mid-twenties. All those mugs of ale didn't help either. The calories she worked off making her living, were packed back on the moment she came back downstairs and downed a few more brewskies. Or ten.
"Hey cuz, finally took my advice and picked yourself up a man I see." Bo glanced at Prince Dimwit appraisingly, who didn't notice because he was busy tying his shoelaces and muttering "one loop, two loops, through the loop and pull" to himself. Cinderella shook her head in disgust.
"No way. I'm just his guide. Have at it if you want, but I must warn you. I think he has a major Oedipal complex."
Bo Peep looked disappointed. "Never mind then. What brings you my way?"
"I need the money I lent you," Cinderella explained.
"I don't have it yet, I took an I.O.U. from the guy with the pipe," Bo said.
"What? Why" Cinderella asked in bewilderment.
"Because he had quite a pipe on him." Bo laughed at her own joke. She turned to look at Prince Dimwit. "Hey sugar, you got any money on you?"
The Prince pulled out a velvet bag with "Allowance" stitched on the side in gold thread. Cinderella shook her head. "No don't get it from him, get it from someone else. We're going to need his money too."
Bo looked around for any prospective clients in the vicinity. Spying the fat egg guy on the wall, Bo tugged down the neckline of her low-cut dress, pushed up her considerable bosoms and headed over to him. "Well hello there sexy" she purred.
Big Egg Guy's eyes bugged out and he jumped in shock. Losing his balance completely, he toppled off the wall and hit the ground with a sickening crack. Bo checked for a pulse and finding none, shrugged then began to comb through his pockets. She sauntered back to Cinderella and handed her some coins. "Don't assess a late fee okay," she quipped. "I'm fresh out of people to accidentally kill."
Cinderella stared at the coins in her hand and looked back up at her cousin. "You really are a sociopath, you know that?"
"Yes. But don't tell the men. They really fall for the sweet and innocent crap." Bo blew her cousin a kiss and sauntered back into the saloon.
"She's really nice." Prince Dimwit said. Cinderella rolled her eyes. The little white rabbit tugged at the hem of her dress.
"Can I come with you?" he asked.
"Sure," Cinderella replied. "But if we run out of food, I know for a fact you'd taste good sauteed in wine sauce with minced garlic. I think I ate your brother once."
"Really??" the rabbit squealed in fright.
"No, not really," Cinderella sighed. "I'm a vegetarian."
"Really???"
"Yes, if vegetables have four legs and bleed. Let's bounce."
She turned and headed towards the entrance to the forest. Prince Dimwit and the rabbit watched for a moment, then followed her.
August 25, 2004
We Interrupt This Olympic Broadcast To Bring You Part One Of "A Demented Fairy Tale.
We Interrupt This Olympic Broadcast To Bring You Part One Of "A Demented Fairy Tale."
The sun's first rays hit the stone floor of the grimy kitchen Cinderella also had the dubious pleasure of calling her bedroom. Cinderella turned over in her not-so-comfortable pile of soot and regarded the invading light with something akin to amusement. Funny how something so beautiful could illuminate such ugliness. As she sat up and started flicking the insects off her lap, a loud and nasal voice erupted from one of the manor's bedrooms. "Human!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wake up and cook our breakfast you stupid little tramp!!!!!!" Cinderella took a moment to relish the possibility that one day her "houseguests" would fall off a cliff, then rose and began preparing the morning meal.
A quarter of an hour later, a feast fit for a king (albeit a disgusting king) was laid out on the dining room table. Three pigs dressed in the most luxurious finery available were waiting impatiently for their meal. Cinderella watched in resignation as they began to feed, spraying rotten eggs and decaying meat even as far as the tapestries on the wall. The pigs finished up with a series of loud grunts and emissions, then left the room. Cinderella began the arduous task of cleaning up after them. Five times a day, she was forced to scrub the dining room walls and furnishings, but the smell always lingered. How did her life come to this?
The story was simple in its idiocy. Cinderella's dear but alcoholic father got rip roaring smashed one day and lost his house in a game of poker to three homeless pigs. The pigs had been cordial at first, but once the shock of almost being crushed to death by timber, then almost dying in the earthquake that toppled their comfy brick house had worn off, they turned out to be quite adept at cheating at cards. In the end, Cinderella's father had run away with some slut in a red "riding" cloak that she apparently used for walking of all things. Cinderella had been left at the mercy of three mean-tempered pigs, and a life of servitude. She could have left she supposed, but where would she go? And how would she feed herself? She didn't want to end up like her cousin Little Bo Peep, who had been forced to turn tricks after losing her livelihood when one of her sheep went off a cliff and the others followed.
Cinderella sighed and went to go wash up. Washing up meant jumping into the ice cold lake outside the manor. Her masters never took baths, so the bathtub was currently being used as the upstairs toilet. Luckily she had never been asked to clean that. Turning tricks would have been an easy choice to make if she had been expected to do that.
As she approached the lake, Cinderella noticed a man wandering around the shore, looking confused. He brightened visibly when he saw her.
"I say," he called out, "Are you a princess?"
Cinderella looked down at her ratty wool dress. The holes were currently hidden by the pig slop and the smell emanating from the garment could only be described as ghastly.
"Yeah I am obviously," she replied. "Why do you ask?"
"You might be the person my mother sent me to look for. My mother sent me to go find some really rich princess who's been sleeping for ten years, wake her up, and bring her back to our kingdom. My mother wants grandchildren."
Cinderella could only gape. The guy was really hot but apparently dumber than a bag of dirt. "I'm sorry, I'm not the one you're looking for. That one lives a couple days' walk through the Enchanted Forest. I'll point you in the right direction." Might as well send him on his way. If there was anything that irritated her more, it was dumb people. This guy had only said four sentences and she was already looking for a wall to bang her head into. Plus every sentence had contained the words "my mother." He couldn't have been any more annoying, even if he decided to follow her around and step on her heel while yelling "Flat tire!!"
Prince Dimwit smiled at her and she momentarily forgot her irritation. He really was hot. She hadn't seen anyone better looking since that one woodcutter. But he had been standing by himself in the middle of a clearing, clutching a rabbit heart and smearing rabbit blood on himself so she just figured he was one of those weirdos.
A rock hit her shoulder. Pig Number One was leaning out of his upstairs bedroom with a rather nasty smile on his face. "Ohhhhhh Ciiindereelllllllaaaa. The toilet is full. Come up here and make some room. You shouldn't have served us beans."
Cinderella turned back to Prince Dimwit with a quickness. "Never mind what I said earlier," she said. "Give me a minute to bathe and I'll show you where the sleeping princess lives myself."
The sun's first rays hit the stone floor of the grimy kitchen Cinderella also had the dubious pleasure of calling her bedroom. Cinderella turned over in her not-so-comfortable pile of soot and regarded the invading light with something akin to amusement. Funny how something so beautiful could illuminate such ugliness. As she sat up and started flicking the insects off her lap, a loud and nasal voice erupted from one of the manor's bedrooms. "Human!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wake up and cook our breakfast you stupid little tramp!!!!!!" Cinderella took a moment to relish the possibility that one day her "houseguests" would fall off a cliff, then rose and began preparing the morning meal.
A quarter of an hour later, a feast fit for a king (albeit a disgusting king) was laid out on the dining room table. Three pigs dressed in the most luxurious finery available were waiting impatiently for their meal. Cinderella watched in resignation as they began to feed, spraying rotten eggs and decaying meat even as far as the tapestries on the wall. The pigs finished up with a series of loud grunts and emissions, then left the room. Cinderella began the arduous task of cleaning up after them. Five times a day, she was forced to scrub the dining room walls and furnishings, but the smell always lingered. How did her life come to this?
The story was simple in its idiocy. Cinderella's dear but alcoholic father got rip roaring smashed one day and lost his house in a game of poker to three homeless pigs. The pigs had been cordial at first, but once the shock of almost being crushed to death by timber, then almost dying in the earthquake that toppled their comfy brick house had worn off, they turned out to be quite adept at cheating at cards. In the end, Cinderella's father had run away with some slut in a red "riding" cloak that she apparently used for walking of all things. Cinderella had been left at the mercy of three mean-tempered pigs, and a life of servitude. She could have left she supposed, but where would she go? And how would she feed herself? She didn't want to end up like her cousin Little Bo Peep, who had been forced to turn tricks after losing her livelihood when one of her sheep went off a cliff and the others followed.
Cinderella sighed and went to go wash up. Washing up meant jumping into the ice cold lake outside the manor. Her masters never took baths, so the bathtub was currently being used as the upstairs toilet. Luckily she had never been asked to clean that. Turning tricks would have been an easy choice to make if she had been expected to do that.
As she approached the lake, Cinderella noticed a man wandering around the shore, looking confused. He brightened visibly when he saw her.
"I say," he called out, "Are you a princess?"
Cinderella looked down at her ratty wool dress. The holes were currently hidden by the pig slop and the smell emanating from the garment could only be described as ghastly.
"Yeah I am obviously," she replied. "Why do you ask?"
"You might be the person my mother sent me to look for. My mother sent me to go find some really rich princess who's been sleeping for ten years, wake her up, and bring her back to our kingdom. My mother wants grandchildren."
Cinderella could only gape. The guy was really hot but apparently dumber than a bag of dirt. "I'm sorry, I'm not the one you're looking for. That one lives a couple days' walk through the Enchanted Forest. I'll point you in the right direction." Might as well send him on his way. If there was anything that irritated her more, it was dumb people. This guy had only said four sentences and she was already looking for a wall to bang her head into. Plus every sentence had contained the words "my mother." He couldn't have been any more annoying, even if he decided to follow her around and step on her heel while yelling "Flat tire!!"
Prince Dimwit smiled at her and she momentarily forgot her irritation. He really was hot. She hadn't seen anyone better looking since that one woodcutter. But he had been standing by himself in the middle of a clearing, clutching a rabbit heart and smearing rabbit blood on himself so she just figured he was one of those weirdos.
A rock hit her shoulder. Pig Number One was leaning out of his upstairs bedroom with a rather nasty smile on his face. "Ohhhhhh Ciiindereelllllllaaaa. The toilet is full. Come up here and make some room. You shouldn't have served us beans."
Cinderella turned back to Prince Dimwit with a quickness. "Never mind what I said earlier," she said. "Give me a minute to bathe and I'll show you where the sleeping princess lives myself."
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