March 13, 2005

A Demented Fairytale: Part Five

A Demented Fairytale: Part Five
(Parts 1-4 can be found here.)

Cinderella placed the rabbit and potato stew on the table, as her traveling companion Rabbit cowered in the corner of the room, alternating between looks of fear, disgust and fury.
"Look I'm sorry," She apologized, "But there was nothing else. There's no other game around here."
Rabbit turned green and gagged before responding. "Well why couldn't you have just eaten the potatoes? It's just plain cruel and disrespectful to be eating that in front of me."
"It could be worse you know." Cinderella responded, as she began laying down spoons and bowls. "It could be you all diced up in the pot, sauteed in rosemary and thyme. You should be thanking your lucky stars instead of bitching at me."
"Have you no shame?" Rabbit continued, "You're totally proving the animal point that humans are morally deficient creatures."
"You're being pretty brave for someone fairly low on the food chain. Now is not the time for you to have grown a pair. There are still some potatoes left in the kitchen. I wonder what we COULD eat THEM with?"
Rabbit scraped his tiny claws on the earthen floor and muttered "Well at least I know now what kind of people I'm keeping company with."
"Does that mean you'll be leaving us?" Cinderella snickered.
"Hell no," Rabbit answered. "If I left now the next time I see you guys I might be on the wrong end of the bow and arrow."
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?"
"Pretty much." Rabbit slowly began turning back to his normal shade. "I think I'll go play outside while you guys feast on the carcass of my murdered friend."
"You fucking liar," Cinderella said. You told us before we went hunting that you didn't know anyone in the area."
"That's because people like you ate them all. And not in the good way." Rabbit scurried out the door. Cinderella sighed and called Red and Prince Dimwit in to supper.

Half an hour later, she was suddenly tired and her head hurt. Most of the mealtime conversation had consisted of Red making sexual overtures towards her and her making sarcastic replies. Oddly enough, the prince wasn't acting as if the thought of two women having sex excited him. Instead he was being sullen, almost petulant as he vied for Cinderella’s attention with Red. He had to have been the only man in the Realm of Kingdoms that wasn't thrilled at the prospect of two women getting it on. Heaven knew her childhood friend Peter had spent many an afternoon trying to get her to "eat pumpkin," which she correctly assumed was his code for going down on random village women. Standing up from the table, she abruptly made her escape and spent the rest of the evening in the kitchen, the one room both Red and the pampered Prince refused to enter.

Some time in the wee hours of the morning, Cinderella woke up in alarm as a wet tongue slithered slowly up her thigh. She wondered for a second which of the cottage's two human residents was about to get a solid ass beating, then sat up and yelled "What the fuck are you doing?" Quickly lighting the lamp on the bedside table, she adjusted her vision and focused a glare on the person who had so rudely tried to molest her as she slept. Except that the person standing by the bed wasn't Red or Prince Dimwit. In fact, he wasn't even a human being at all. The intruder looked about as shocked as she felt, if his facial expression was any indication. Assuming of course that it was possible for frogs to have facial expressions.

"Who the hell are you?" The frog demanded.
"What? You just came into MY fucking room, who the hell are YOU?" Cinderella shot back. Amphibian or not, she wasn't about to let him speak to her that way after he had licked her without so much as a by-your-leave.
"My name is James. And believe it or not, I'm actually a prince who was turned into a frog by an evil sorceress."
Cindella snorted. "Rooooiiiiiiight. Seriously, who are you?"
"I AM being serious. I was turned into a frog and the only way I can be changed back into my human form is for a princess to kiss me. That's why I came here, I was looking for the woman known as Red."
"Red?" Cinderella laughed. "She's not a real princess. 'Princess Whorebag' is just a nickname. Only the last part is true."
"Well even a regular woman who thinks she's a princess will do. The sorceress was old and didn't read the incantation properly. That's kind of how I got into this mess. She hit on me at some tavern and being wasted out of my mind, I told her it would be physically impossible for me to get it up for a wrinkled old broad like her."
"Yeah I can see how she might have taken exception to that. So you came to get a kiss from Red and decided to help yourself to something more?"
"Well it's not exactly a secret that she's easier than a drunken cheerleader on prom night."
"I see." Cinderella couldn't fault his logic when it was so accurate.
"Actually, I just figured she's be more amenable to kissing a frog if it pleasured her first."
Cinderella didn't respond since in all probability he was right about that.

The Frog Prince jumped up onto the bed. "Well it's been lovely chatting with you and all but can you please kiss me? You've been cuntier than most. I have a feeling you'll do. What do you say, shall we have a go at it?"
"Wow, I can't even begin to tell you how overwhelmingly flattered I am by that romantic proposal."
"Come on… please???"
"Pretty please???" The frog begged.
"Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full."
"Pretty please with a cherry on top? Yours if you want." The frog laughed at his own joke.
"Har har, that's it. Disgusting comments like that will definitely encourage me to help you."
"Okay look. In all seriousness, I've been like this for five long years. Despite the sarcasm you seem like a genuinely nice person. I would be forever in your debt if you would help me."
"I won't have to marry you if I do it will I?"
"Oh hell no. What do you think this is, a fucking fairy tale? I wouldn't have you anyway."
"And why not?" She asked, affronted.
"You're too mouthy. When I finally marry a woman, she'll have to be meek and submissive."
"Yeah okay you sexist pig frog. You just killed all chance of me helping you." She lay back down and closed her eyes. "Good night. Don't let the door hit your slimy little green ass on the way out."

"Okay I asked nicely. I even begged nicely. Now you're leaving me with no choice but to get nasty," The frog threatened.
"Really?" Cinderella sneered. "What is your tiny helpless self going to do?"
Cinderella got out of the bed and lunged towards her tormenter, who leapt agilely onto the windowsill and started singing again. "NINE-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEERS ON THE WALL, NINE-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER. YOU TAKE ONE DOWN—“

"OKAY ENOUGH!!!!!!!!" Cinderella screamed. "You win for God's sake. You fucking slimy, annoying, disgusting-"
"Oh God oh God oh God shut up!! I'll do it. Come here already. Christ."

The frog joyfully hopped back onto the bed and puckered up. A split second later, a fist plowed into his face, sending him flying into the wall with a sickening splat sound.
"You promised!!" He cried, rubbing his head.
"I'm still going to kiss you asshole, but that was for the shit you just pulled on me. I dislike being blackmailed. You're lucky I never break my word."

The Frog Prince gingerly approached her yet again. Cinderella paused for a long moment just to fuck with his head, then bent down to kiss him.

No comments: