In My Head At 4 AM

In My Head At 4 A.M.

I. Does anyone else attempt to close all the porn pop-ups by hand, regardless of how many there are? You know, when one innocuous-looking one opens and you x out of it and then all of a sudden 5 appear and then when you close them 40 appear? Geo does that super quick shut them all down thing but mouse in hand, I like to speed x out of them. It's like me against the world and it's cheating if I control-alt-delete.

II. Heard at Target tonight...

Me: Damn this beef jerky is good as hell.
Mike J: I know! Every time I eat beef jerky, I feel like I'm in Little House on the Prairie
Me: Whenever I eat beef jerky I feel like I'm in the military. You are so gay.
Mike J: Uh...
Me: You know this is ending up on my blog right?
Mike J: Well I only watched Little House on the Prairie because I had a crush on Laura Ingalls.
Me: Nice attempt to get your heterosexuality back but no.
Mike J: Dammit.

III. I saw this toy storage rack that I really really wanted for the girls, but it was too pricey for me. Mike J said he'd go halfsies with me on it and we'd skip the Indian food outings for the next few months. I suppressed my food whorish instincts and agreed wholeheartedly. As we were leaving, I logically pointed out that Mike actually saved money in the bargain, considering how many times I could have begged him to take me out for Indian food. He decided that a few months is a long time and amended the agreement to say that he'd take me out for dinners but if anyone else tagged along they were paying for themselves. Which almost made me feel like I was selling out my friends but hey, it's not like they knew I just took free dinners from them right? Totally worth it though. Damn it was a nice rack. Heh.

IV. I am going to add a chart on the right side of my blog to keep a tally of how many dinners I owe all my various friends. In my defense, I wasn't always such a leech. At one point in time I was gainfully employed and picked up quite a few tabs. That seems so long ago though. People think I'm writing my book so I can accomplish something and achieve literary fame but that's not true. I am writing it so that maybe one day I can stop feeling guilty about all the dinners/drinks I owe Mike J, Girlie, Tony, Paul and pretty much everyone else in my sphere. I owe them enough to feed and inebriate the population of Bhutan. Oh well, what can you do. A girl's got to eat. And drink. And eat some more.

V. Am I the only person who still watches The Apprentice? I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am. I watch it for the cringe factor. At least 8 times an episode, I cringe with sympathetic embarrassment for the contestants. Tonight, it was hard to decide which was more painful, watching John schmooze rather poorly with the "celebrities" or listening to the blonde chick speak. Hey listen, I know at least half of my readership is white (because let's face it, white people are usually the ones that read) so can you guys do me a favor? Never, ever, EVER EVER EVER say shit like "Fo' shizzle" and "HOLLA!!" It's just, well you can't pull it off. Unless of course, you're like Eminem and are one of the best rappers of all time yet happen to be white. I know Kwame is going to comment on this one.

No seriously, I can't stress this enough. When that blonde chick was talking to Lil Kim or whoever and she kept using phrases like "bling bling" and "off the hizzay" or whatever I just wanted to beat her down with her own shoe. Someone should have told her beforehand that when black people meet someone like her, they don't leave and go "Yo that white girl is down." They leave and say "Hey... is it just me or is that girl crazy? She seemed a bit bipolar."

VI. Oh please let someone else find that last line funny because I am laughing my ass off here. Of course it is four in the morning. Just in case some people got offended by this post, I'm going to pretend I actually care and play my Mike J and Paul card. Just kidding. That's not the only reason I keep them around. I also keep them around so that I can get good service at restaurants and so they don't check my receipt when I leave K-Mart. By the way, the funniest joke I've seen on a trailer in years is the one in that new Bernie Mac movie, where the Center Stage chick brings home Ashton Kutcher to meet her family. That one black chick walks in to meet the new boyfriend, turns and sees Ashton Kutcher and says "Oh my God are we being audited???" I straight up laugh out loud every time it's on.

VII. Okay who haven't I pissed off yet. Spanish people, turn that fucking music down for God's sake. It's 8 in the morning. No one wants to hear a song where the only word they recognize is "sombrero." Asian people, well forget it. You're not reading this. There's no math on it.