March 9, 2005

A Demented Fairytale: Part Four

A Demented Fairytale: Part Four
(Parts 1-3 can be found here.)

After a couple more hours of walking, the Prince started to complain of stomach pains. Cinderella started to snark that perhaps he was dwarf-semen intolerant, but decided it would take too long to explain the joke. The Prince excused himself to a more private spot in the woods and walked away, his buttcheeks clenched tight enough to turn a lump of coal into a diamond.
The Rabbit looked after him worriedly. "Maybe I'd better go after him," he said, scampering after the Prince.
"He might use you as toilet paper," she called after him, but he was too far away to hear.

Ten minutes later, Cinderella heard someone behind her and turned around, thinking it was her companions. She was mistaken. She stared disbelievingly as her arch-nemesis Little Red Riding Hood came strolling up to her. Red was beautiful, in that childlike way that got dirty old men hot and bothered, until they realized she was actually a lot older than she looked. Of all the random areas in the vast Enchanted Forest, this broad had to walk into hers.
"Hey there!" Red called out. Cinderella remained silent.
"You're not still mad are you?"
Cinderella stared incredulously at her. "Let me see. You ran off with my stepdad and left me to be enslaved by pigs. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm still a tad pissed."
"That wasn't my idea though," Red said earnestly. "Your dad is the one that wanted to travel the world or some other nonsense."
"Right. Where is my dear father anyway?"
Red suddenly looked uncertain. "You don't know?"
"Yes Red, " Cinderella said sarcastically. "I do know. That's why I'm asking you. Because I know the answer."
"Crap." Red toyed with the strings to her cloak for awhile, then finally answered. "Well... he died."
"What??? Are you kidding me? How did it happen?"
"Well we were in bed and he was riding me, heh, and then he just kind of died."
"Just kind of died..." Cinderella echoed in shock. Red felt compelled to elaborate.
"Well he gave a particularly forceful thrust and then froze and I thought he was co-"
"Stop. I get the picture. Unfortunately." Cinderella didn't know whether to cry or vomit. The guy was a weak drunkard who had once tried to use her virginity as collateral in a game of poker, but he was still her father.
"It was really awful. He was still hard so we got stuck and some of the villagers had to come with pig lard and-"
"Jesus Christ woman, just shut the fuck up already. I swear to God." Red wisely fell silent while Cinderella contemplated the concept that her last remaining relative had fucked himself to death. She was surprised by the twinge of sadness she felt. He wasn't her real father, but he was the only father she had ever known. Then she remembered that he had pretty much sold her into slavery to cover his gaming losses and quickly got over it.

Rabbit and Prince Dimwit emerged from the woods, interrupting her thoughts.
"Well hello there," Red purred to the Prince.
"Hallooo," the Prince smiled back innocently.
Cinderella broke in, thankful for an excuse to leave. "Well, see ya."
"Wait," Red said, "Where are you guys heading?"
"We're on our way to the Sleeping Beauty's castle."
"That's days from here, don't you need a place to spend the night? It's almost dark."
"We'll sleep in the woods," Cinderella said, starting away once more.
"Why do that when I there's a comfy cottage just a few minutes from here?"
"Whose cottage is that?"
"My gram's," Red explained. "I was going to hit her up for some cash but when I got there some wolf had already eaten her. And not in the good way. I got away though, you know me."
Cinderella did know her. "Jesus Red, you banged a wolf? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is, even for someone as depraved as you?"
Red laughed. "No no, silly. I'm a slut but I do have some standards. He was obviously poor. Some woodcutter heard me screaming and saved me. He was hot so I offered him a good time to show my gratitude, but he said no."
"Why is it that I'm totally not believing you." Cinderella commented.
"No really. He just wanted to borrow my lipstick and wear my underwear for awhile. He even put on my red riding hood. It was weird but whatever. I've seen weirder."

Cinderella turned to look at the Prince and the Rabbit. They were both looking at her imploringly, wanting to stay with Red for the night, but unwilling to risk her wrath by saying it. Cinderella sighed and decided she could swallow her pride for a night. She hadn't been looking forward to sleeping outside anyway.
"Come on sweetie," Red coaxed. "I'll even make dinner."
"You can cook?" Cinderella asked skeptically.
"No. But you can right?" She turned and started making her way towards the cottage, Rabbit and the Prince right behind her. Cinderella wondered if Red would take it personally if she shoved her foot right up her ass. Nahh. She'd probably enjoy it. Crazy slut. Cinderella started walking in the direction they had gone, promising herself she'd get to bitchslap Red at least once in the next 12 hours.

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