February 22, 2005

A Demented Fairytale: Part Three

A Demented Fairytale: Part Three
(Parts One and Two can be found here.)

After a couple hours of trudging through the dense forest, the trio came to a clearing in the woods. Cinderella stopped and stared, feeling as if she had walked into some deranged porn video. 7 fat little men, no higher than her waist, sat in a circle masturbating furiously. In the center of the circle lay a dead maiden on a bed of flowers, protected by a glass dome. And for good reason. Judging from the streaks on the glass and the puddles around the edge, if the dome had had any holes in it, Pale Dead Chick would have died another death from drowning. Cinderella could only assume that drowning in dwarf semen was not the most pleasant of ways to die. Even if one was already dead.

The dwarfs froze as the travellers entered the clearing, before scrambling to cover themselves while yelling "Don't you knock?!?!?"

Averting her eyes as she answered, but failing to stifle a giggle, Cinderella apologized and asked for directions towards Sleeping Beauty's castle. The dwarves grumbled a little about people not being raised right, then noticed her beauty. They quickly overcame their embarrassment and fell over themselves to give her directions. Except one rather well-dressed dwarf, who was making eyes at the Prince. And one in overalls, who was making eyes at the rabbit. Cinderella picked up the frightened rabbit and asked if they could possibly write the directions down. The dwarf in overalls headed back to the cottage for some parchment and a quill, muttering "Not like I can do anything with you hovering over that pretty bundle of moist fur anyway."

The dwarves headed over to a large basket of food on the other side of the coffin and began taking fruit, loaves of bread and hunks of cheese out of it. Plunking down onto the ground, they offered the newcomers some of their rough supper. With a pointed glance at their unwashed hands, Cinderella politely declined. But Prince Dimwit walked over and happily accepted their food. As he chewed, he mused aloud at the unique flavor of the offerings. "What an interesting sauce," he said, licking his lips. "It tastes bland and yet a bit tangy. Smells like bleach though."

Cinderella gagged and turned to look impatiently towards the cottage, wondering how long it could possibly take to fetch parchment and a quill. Deciding to make small talk before the Prince could once again launch into a description of the dwarves' special sauce, she inquired about the deceased maiden.

"So what's up with the pale dead chick?"
"Her evil bitch of a stepmother poisoned her," one dwarf explained.
"How long ago did she die?" Cinderella asked.
"A few years I guess. Maybe more." The dwarves looked sadly at the coffin.
Cinderella was confused. "Huh? How come she's not all decomposed then?"
"Some spell of some sort. All we know is that one day, her true love will come and save her. Some prince."
At that, Prince Dimwit perked up. "Really? A prince like me?"
The dwarves were not pleased at the idea of losing their spank bank material. They loved the maiden, but they loved the fact that they could jerk off without worrying about her walking in on them even more. "No, not her true love. Her true GLOVE. Some day, a prince will walk in and he'll happen to be carrying a pair of her gloves. Then she'll wake up and be happy again."
Prince Dimwit was saddened by the news. "Oh. That's not me then. I don't have any of her gloves." The dwarves sighed in relief as Cinderella rolled her eyes.

The dwarf in the overalls came um, striding back into the clearing. He handed the other dwarves the parchment to proofread his directions, then helped himself to an apple. Cinderella was disgusted to see that he hadn't thought to wash his hands either. Which would explain the sores on his mouth she supposed.

Satisfied the directions were accurate to the best of their combined knowledge, Overall Dwarf offered them to Cinderella. She reached out to take it, then thought better of it. "Um, you take it Prince. In fact, why don't you just hang onto them." The Prince wiped his mouth on his sleeve and grabbed the paper. He started to fold it until the rabbit suggested rolling it instead, so the directions wouldn't be ruined when the sticky edges dried. Cinderella shook her head at this further proof that a woodland creature with a brain the size of a grape was still smarter than her new friend.

Bidding the dwarves adieu, the travellers left the clearing to the tune of seven trousers unzipping in unison.

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