Peeping Toms, Possums and My Fucking Dog

Peeping Toms, Possums and My Dog

T invited me along for his company's happy hour, so yesterday afternoon I started getting ready. I asked Geo what the weather was like outside so he said we should go check (which is code for "have a stoge.") We're outside and all of a sudden my fricken dog comes up to me with something dangling from his mouth. I look closer and it's the fricken mangled carcass of a baby bird. Eeew. Geo goes inside the house to get a broom and dustpan while my dog plays catch with this mangled carcass. Then he brings it on over to me and starts chomping away in earnest, little raw baby bird parts flying everywhere. Eeew eeew eeew. The least the fucker could do is cook it first. Geo manages to get it away from him and I go back inside to finish getting dressed.

Except that while I'm dressing, I invariably start picturing my dog chomping on the raw mangled baby bird and I feel my stomach lurch and I run to the fucking bathroom and just start heaving into the toilet. I'm not an easily grossed out person so that just sucked. Yes, I realize he's just being a dog but still. Eeew.

T shows up while I'm recuperating on the couch, so I get back up to finish getting dressed. His happy hour was going to be at Circa, the former Metro Lounge in Rochelle Park. We roll in and after a bunch of SoCo and Lime shots we're just chillen and having a good time. All of a sudden our party is infiltrated by bouncers and everyone is yelling. Two minutes later it's just me and Tony standing by the bar. We go outside to see what happened and it turns out, two of his co-workers got kicked out because of their shoes. What the fuck?

Apparently, some chicks were taking a piss and some guy peeped over the top of their stall. But for some nonsensical reason, they didn't see the guy's face, just his shoes. Which begs the question how the hell did they know he peeped over the top of the stall but oh well. So they approached Tony's co-workers and accused them of doing it, despite the fact that 20 people told them that the two guys they were accusing hadn't left our section of the bar in the last hour. Do the dizzy broads then figure properly that they must have been mistaken in their shoe identification? No.

They go and get the bouncers. Who aren't exactly hired for their brain capacity so they kick Tony's two respectable, well-dressed co-workers out based on the strength of two drunk chicks' claim that they THINK these were the guys who peeped at them because of their shoes. Plain black shoes.

Idiots Number One and Two: The two dumb broads. Obviously.
Idiots Numbers Three through Eight: The bouncers, who looked as if had you tallied their IQs you would have reached the grand total of 17.
Idiot Number Nine: The manager, who let his bouncers kick out two people based on skeptical and rather stupid information, resulting in the loss of the other 22 people in the party who were spending over $600 or so per hour on food and drinks.

When we got home, I was Mario Tennising when all of a sudden I hear Geo yelling for me. I run outside and he's warding my dog off with a stick or something while protecting something on the ground. He orders me to get some water and I run to get it, still having no clue what's going on. When I get back with the water I find out that the thing on the ground is a possum playing dead and Geo wants me to throw the water at my dog to get him to run away. I throw water on my dog but he doesn't budge so I run to get more.

Throwing the water at my dog does nothing so this time I throw it at the possum, who gets up and starts running away. But my dog is faster and he catches him before he can escape so now my dog is fucking running around with this damn possum in his mouth, evading both me and Geo. Geo finally catches him, frees the possum which plays dead again for awhile, before finally scampering off. Fucking dog.

Sunday edit: Geo read this and wants me to add that my dog (a retriever) originally brought the possum to him, thus retrieving it. Which is essentially what they're biologically programmed to do.