It happens rarely these days but I drank every day this weekend. But, not as much as I thought I would because apparently quitting smoking has a similar effect on my liquor intake. I mean don't get me wrong, I was super buzzed on Saturday but that was more due to an empty stomach than anything else. There was actually still a lot of Bacardi left in the bottle when I was done with it (I know, weird huh?)
On Friday night me, Mike J and Tony met up with Min, Marichelle and Cheryl in Hoboken to check out the Italian Festival. I mean yes, technically none of us have any need for a T-shirt that says "If You Ain't Italian You Ain't A Stallion" but who DOESN'T have a need for sausage, onion and green pepper sandwiches. Shh, no sausage jokes. After we (I) stuffed our (my) faces, we headed over to Black Bear to get the drink on. Thanks Min for the shot, and Mike and T for all the rest!
Some things I noted while observing the crowd at Black Bear:
1. Men should not sing along with "I Ain't No Holla Back Girl" and not just because it is one of the worst songs in the history of music.
2. People should not dress for November in September. In fact, even in November it might be best to wear layers when hitting up packed bars. Because the long-sleeve denim dress and beige stiletto boots are cute... But pit stains, not so much.
3. Min is good to have along in case space invaders get too space invade-y. I mean obviously people are going to be right up next to each other in a crowded bar. But this one dumbass was so clueless she didn't even notice that she was practically sitting in Marichelle's lap. A minute later, her ass was in Cheryl's face, which she may not have minded if she were cute. Enter Min and some well-placed booty-shaking. Min threw hip shots like Kobe throws elbows. The girl never came back.
4. There are some fashion trends that seriously need to go away. Women wearing nightgowns as a shirt and men wearing their collars up are at the top of that list. Also, if you're going to wear a T-shirt with a whole sentence on it, at least make sure it's funny. "My parents are out of town." <----- NOT FUNNY "Yes I am a Princess, so what?" <----- ALSO NOT FUNNY "Drink like a rock star, Fuck like a porn star." <----- FUNNY!!!!!!!!! My girl Aimee sells those shirts and I've been meaning to get one, not for bars though. For family barbeques.
Don't sit in our laps beeyatches.
Right after I took this picture I thought to myself,
"I sure hope I shaved."
The best pic is of Min and Cheryl and it's on Min's blog. There's cleavage even.
After the bar we hit up Malibu Diner. All of us wouldn't fit in Mike's car so he took two trips. Me, Min and Marichelle decided to hoof it part of the way since it was a nice night, which was a good idea until we hit the other end of Washington Ave. There were a few skeevy-looking people out. My definition of skeevy has nothing to do with race or ethnic background or socioeconomic class. It's a look some people have in their eyes, a look which pretty much says "If I could get away with it you would be in my fridge right now." I'm not a fan of that look.
At the diner there were a bunch of guys at the next table and I thought one looked familiar, but I wasn't sure. I thought he may have been one of Paul's friends. Another guy at the table looked like one of his other friends too so I asked him if I knew him and he said I knew the other guy. Then we did the polite wave/head nod thing.
As we ate french toast and bacon and eggs and french fries with gravy (okay me) the conversation naturally turned to sex. Which I enjoyed because it's fun meeting people who will sit there and share. Like how Mike shared with the table that he (used to have?) nocturnal emissions like most people take showers. One a day except on Sundays.
At one point, Cheryl said she liked porn better than her boyfriend (did) and I agreed, phrasing it the same way. Which caused Mike and Tony to start yelling at me like I was something foul, because they thought I was saying I liked porn more than I liked Geo. Asshats. Of course I yelled at them. Like porn is ever going to be better than the reality. Everyone knows I'm all about the husband's goods. But...
Me: It could depend on the level of expectation. If the expectation is a 2-hour blowjob--
Paul's friends at the next table: WHOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People at my table (laughing): The only part they heard was "2-hour blowjob"
Me: If the expectation is a 2-hour blowjob then yes, I like porn more than Geo. My jaw isn't as young as it used to be.
Kwame would just like to interrupt the story here and say a 2-hour-blowjob is too much, his penis would get pruney and after awhile there's sure to be some chafing. I would however like to say that it's not a CONTINUOUS two-hour blowjob any more than 2 hours of sex is a continuous hip-frenzy.
On Saturday, we headed to Cherry Hill for Manny's birthday bonanza. More things I noted:
1. People who drink while they're actively quitting smoking are inconsistent mean drunks. Especially when surrounded by about 40 people who are ALL SMOKING. One minute they're threatening to kick everyone's ass and the next they're trying to get everyone to sing "Kumbaya" around the campfire. And when I say "they" I really mean me (sorry Jon-Jon!!)
2. I am slowly but surely making my way through Geo's female family members with the whole drunken kissing thing. First it was Net, now Janelle. No tongue though, that would be wrong. I think it's written in the marriage contract somewhere, "Thou shalt not slip they husband's female family members the tongue." Our friend Ryan took pictures I think. You know our idiocy always has to be well-documented.
3. How do you stop a gang of Filipinos from jumping you? Turn on the karaoke machine. No really. 3 in the morning and the living room is packed with people singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" at the top of their lungs.
On Sunday night, Janelle and I played one-on-one Kings in the backyard to finish off the keg. I only drink beer during Kings, but as a member of a single-income household as well I understood her desire not to let it go to waste. Heh. Since it was just the both of us we added a "Truth or Dare" option into the game. And made rules like everytime someone pulled an odd number, they had to stand on their chair and yell "My name is ____ and I love to munch carpet!!!!!!!" Or that for the rest of the game, everything we said had to be sung in an operatic voice. I'm sure Janelle's neighbors are big fans of ours. After calling me a pussy, Janelle picked "dare" and I dared her to bend over and press her ass against the sliding glass door of the room her in-laws were sitting in for 10 seconds. Then of course after she bent over, I knocked on the glass so they'd look up. I'm sure right after she was done Manny's parents must've been like "Our son and nephew married so well." But then we went inside and karaoked with them so everything was dandy again.
No comments:
Post a Comment