Renaissance Faire

Renaissance Faire

On Saturday me, Geo, Tony, Abel, Mike J and the kiddos hit up the Renaissance Faire in upstate NY. We had a lot of fun last year so this year we increased our posse and headed up to Tuxedo, NY for some food and laughs. About 5 minutes after we strolled through the gates, I was holding an Italian sausage sandwich and a cup of mead ("mulled wine"), while munching on a turkey leg bigger than my forearm. In the next couple of hours I added french fries, more mead, a frozen chocolate banana, "fryed" ice cream, a pickle and another cup of mead. I really felt at one with Leonardo Da Vinci as I hunted desperately around in my bag for some Tums.

(L-R) Yes, I took a picture of my kids under this sign. Tony and Mike
got caught with their loincloths down. I was accosted by the "Village Idiot."
I looked like a bigger idiot though because I had a huge stye in my right eye.

One of the funnier things I heard all day was a lady who told her husband "Some of these people take this thing really seriously." That's kind of what makes the faire so much fun. While perusing jewelry at a booth, a woman in her late sixties walked up, wearing a corset that pushed her breasts all the way up to her neck. She tried on a necklace then turned to me and in a really bad faux British wench accent asked "Do ye lyke et?" I told her it matched her costume and she almost went ballistic. "It's not called a costume, it's called garb!!!!!" She then went on to accuse me of being a faire newbie and instructed me to learn the proper terminology as to not insult people. In her affront she forgot to use the wench accent, which I forgot to point out since I was too busy trying not to laugh. And you wonder why I go to these things.

(L-R) The pink dress I wanted to jack off some chick. Tony listening to
a "This Bud's For Ye" ad. Proof that the best swords used during the
Renaissance were made in Texas.

Here are some tips for people who are thinking of attending the faire next year:

1. No man, no matter how big, can look manly in a costume that resembles a leather miniskirt with slits over daisy dukes.
2. The term "fairy" is an offensive term but embracing it doesn't necessarily empower. You just end up looking really gay.
3. A leather bustier does not, a Renaissance costume make.

4. Likewise, I'm not certain the leather bikini or strapless dress was big during the Renaissance. Didn't women have rather strict dress codes back then? Pushed up boobs notwithstanding of course.
5. The chess match using people as chess pieces was a lot of fun. The joust was a bit lame. They had to get all politically correct on us and have Maid Marian win. Did they not study the joust at all.
6. Bring your glasses, the costumes can be tricky. Tony was ogling a group of wenches that upon closer observation turned out to be wenches AND a bunch of guys with long hair.
7. Drink lots of mead. I still don't know what constitutes the process of "mulling" but it could be a synonym for "messing with this wine to fuck people UP."
8. Bring lots of money, it's a Renaissance event without the Renaissance prices. You could fund a hundred crusades back then for what you'll pay for a souvenir.
9. Wear shoes appropriate for tracking around in the mud.
10. This will sound funny coming from the Food Whore, or should I say Food Wench, but don't go overboard on the food. The "privies" are port-a-pottys, which I'm convinced line the seventh layer of hell.