Sports Fans, Marital Sex, Pregnancy Tests and Scotty Doesn't Know

Sports Fans, Marital Sex, Pregnancy Tests and Scotty Doesn't Know

1. Two weeks into the Riss Versus Philip Morris No Smoking Open and the score is 28-0 for the home team. 28 times I was tempted to give in and take a drag and 0 times I gave in. The answer of what I would do when faced with a night of drinking has been answered. I pump my fist in the air in triumph and invite all my friends who didn't think it could be done to blow me. On your knees, ye of little faith!! Or you could give me Chex Mix Turtle. That works too. I think two bags would go a long way towards easing the hurt of this appalling lack of faith in your dear friend.

2. Any day now I will be expecting my thank you card from Andre Agassi. Because you know, it wasn't his skill, superb athletic ability, endurance, belief in himself and mental toughness that enabled him to beat James Blake in 5 sets after losing the first two sets and being down a break in the third. No, it was not. It was because of me, and the fact that I didn't leave my seat or even move it for the last 2 1/2 sets. Seriously. That alone is what caused the win. Because I sat down and he started winning games, so Geo and I decided that must have been the catalyst. So for the next two hours, my idiot self stayed put. I didn't get up to get a snack, didn't get up to take my allergy medicine, didn't get up to pee. I just stayed in my chair and yelled things like "That's it Andre you can do this and I know you can hear me!!!" I felt bad cheering against James Blake because I like him and the story of how he recovered from a neck fracture is amazing. But it's Andre Agassi so I had to cheer for him. And sit in a chair without moving for two hours for him. Aren't sports fans stupid?

3. You know those people that say all the mystery dies after marriage. It just might be true. Geo's new pick-up line to me is "Let's lie on the bed naked." And my oh-so-sexy and witty repartee is "Okay." But you know me, I'm a fan of efficiency and bluntness. To me removing all the verbal foreplay is a good thing versus a bad one. And our sex life would probably be set back if Geo was inclined to give some big pre-coital speech every time. Though the idea of Geo giving some inspirational speech remniscent of Mel Gibson in Braveheart before we have sex makes me giggle. I picture him striding around at the foot of the bed and saying "Tonight, is an act, not about biology and procreation but about passion and the hearts of men and women..."

4. I was watching the Sharapova-whoever match a couple nights ago and they showed a pregnancy test commercial. Is it me or do the makers of these things not have much confidence in women at all? First tests were dot or no dot. Then they were pink mark or blue mark. Then they were one line or two lines. NOW tests will actually have the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant" appear. Then again maybe the idiot-proof tests are a result of women complaining about confusion. I'd like to know so I can hang my head in shame if they are.

5. Speaking of commercials being played during the U.S. Open, they keep playing that Expedia commercial with the father daydreaming about going on vacation with his son. There's a cheesy Simon and Garfunkel-type song in the background that goes "Being a dad is awe-some" and it's just supplanted the "Scotty Doesn't Know" song from Eurotrip in my head. For the past few days I've been walking around randomly singing that one line. At least with the Eurotrip song I knew like three lines ("I can't believe he's so trusting, when I'm right behind her thrusting. Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know...")