Random News Stories

Random News Stories

1. Five of my friends have sent me a link to this story on London opening up a "sexual theme park." I don't know if my friends are:

a) Just giving me an FYI
b) Inviting me on a trip to Europe
c) Telling me I need lessons

Since I haven't slept with any of them, and since none of them can afford a plane ticket to England right now, I'll assume it was an FYI. I'm fairly proficient in sex. I mean I don't have a Doctorate or anything, but I've got my degree and am working on my Master's.

2. Some woman in Arkansas just had her 16th child. Whoah. And they want more. I guess that makes sense, since they seem to be collecting them. I wonder if the kids are happier than normal because they have more playmates around, or less happy than normal because they don't have as much alone time with their parents. You know, the grass is greener phenomenon. People like me who only have one sibling (or are only children) usually want a lot of kids, while people who grew up in huge families often want one or two kids. That mom should be given a medalfor her...labors (heh). Although after 15 vaginal births, do the kids just fall out when it's time?

3. Am I the only person that shock scare tactics don't work on? Like this whole UNICEF-bombing-the-Smurfs thing. I understand their motives but their campaign is kind of stupid. I look at those scenes and instead of crying about children (Why the hell would I, those aren't children they're cartoon characters) I think "Let's bomb the Belgians for coming up with this shit." Of course, those bloody PETA ads make me want to wear fur as well. I don't even like fur, I prefer faux fur. But I see those annoying PETA activists on the street and instantly wish I was wearing fur. I walked by a group once outside a hotel in the city, and one came at me and I was like "It's faux you idiot. Touch this jacket and I will beat the fucking shit out of your hippie ass, right here on Madison Avenue."

I don't supposed UNICEF-Belgium is going to make other ads that depict the other side of war. You know, little Smurfs sitting in their offices when all of a sudden planes come crashing into them. Or little Smurfs sitting on a subway when a nail bomb explodes and impales them with thousands of nails. Or Terrorist Smurf strapping a bomb onto himself and walking into a mall full of kids. Wonder if we'll be seeing those.

4. Note to self: Don't eat meat, because of Mad Cow Disease, pork because of Mad Pig Disease, fish because of Mad Fish Disease and now chicken because of this freaky ass Avian Flu. Lucky for me, I think the genetically-engineered chickens fried up by Colonel Sanders are probably genetically-engineered to be immune to disease.

5. Now we all know I support the death penalty, but I'm not completely unflexible you know. In cases like the ones where people go after pregnant women and cut out their babies, I would support giving them life in prison, as long as weekly floggings were a part of the package.

6. Whenever I look at panda bears I feel like a child again. "I want one!!! Daddy I want one!!!" Nahh, I never said that as a child. My parents would've been like "Oh really, where are you going to put him? In your room? Do you know how much it would cost to feed a panda bear?"

7. I find it amusing that celebrities like Madonna and their obsession with Kabbalah, have somehow made being Jewish cool. Like when we walk into a bar now, Mike J just walks up to chicks and goes "Do you have any Jewish in you? Would you like some?" And where once he might have gotten slapped, now they fall all over themselves to talk to him. All thanks to Madonna and Britney Spears. At least Kabbalah is part of an actual religion, unlike Scien(ce Fiction)tology. Okay, I guess here in the U.S. it is technically considered a "religion" but only because we're politically correct idiots.