24: Hours One - Four

24: Hours One - Four
(Thought it'd be better to just add the latest two hours to the end of the post. So back up off me AB!!)

I am so excited to be doing this right now, FINALLY, that well, there's moisture. But this is a family site so we won't get into that here. Incidentally, yes I do jerk off to that "PLINK PLINK, PLINK PLINK" sound.

1. So Jack is alive and living on some godforsaken farm, working part-time on an oil rig. My heart bleeds for a moment as Jack is reduced to begging some fat foreman for a job, when just a year-and-a-half ago he was shooting up heroin while chit-chatting with his best friend the former President. How the mighty have fallen. But it's okay, because after a quick trip in a stolen helicopter (Jack steals helicopters like I steal loose candy at the grocery) he is armed and ready. "Do you think your Wu-Tang sword can defeat me??"

2. Am I the only person that thinks Jack is selling himself short on the Farm Mom? I know looks aren't everything but they're something and he's no slouch. Then again ANYONE is better than Audrey "Got-My-Job-Thanks-To-Daddy" Raines. They could have started the season with Tony and Jack bumping uglies and it would have been better than him being with Audrey.

3. I can't believe they offed 2 1/2 main characters in the first ten minutes of the show. That takes cojones. I say "half" because it's obvious Tony Almeida will be scarred but live, and hopefully not mourn the loss of Michelle by banging some random Croatian chick again. Hopefully he channels his grief into a razor, and shaves off that pube patch he's sporting. Abel blames me and Mike J for Michelle's death, because right after she said "I don't want to look back on this day..." I said "Uh oh, famous last words" and Mike said "She's dead."

4. Speaking of Mike, he uttered this beauty of a remark right after Jack shot Terrorist #3: "He should put another bullet in him JUST TO BE IN CASE."

5. I understand there's not much room for levity in a drama about life and death and bombs and viruses and assassinated ex-Presidents, but when Jack interrogated the guy who killed President Palmer, I would have loved to see the following scene:

Jack: I'll take you to a hospital if you tell me why you went after Tony and Michelle as well.
Assassin: Palmer was the primary target. The others were just part of an attempt to frame you for the assassination. Take me to a hospital now.

*BANG BANG*

Jack: Clear! Hold on, my defibrillator needs more bullets.

6. The best line of the first two hours was : "Let's get something straight kid. The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you."

7. People gripe a lot about recurring themes in the different seasons. Like how every season there's a mole at CTU (Chloe's bang buddy looks good for the part this time around). None of them bother me, except the recurring Annoying Teenager character. It can always be worse though. They could bring back Kim Bauer. Although I'd like to see how the writers would put her back in, being that she and Chase have been doing prosthetic porn videos for the last 3 years. Incidentally, why hasn't getting laid changed Chloe's facial expression. And how pissed off is Edgar that the new guy is banging his dream girl.

8. I foresee many hours of venting at the television, shaking my fist at the President in impotent fury. Like what I imagine other people do in real life, except my frustration ends at 10 o'clock. If most people have a shining light bulb in their heads, President Logan's got a burnt match. He doesn't want to postpone the Russian arms treaty but he also doesn't want a single civilian casualty. His advisor should have responded "Sure thing Sir, would you like a cure for cancer and water from the fountain of youth with your order?" But I assume that would jeopardize his job.

9. That trick the crazy ass First Lady pulled to get her way was funny as hell. Mike was impressed by her rack. Somehow I don't think Hilary Clinton would've been able to get away with that. The Secret Service agents would be like "Yeah right, what really happened. Did your thigh-high stockings start crawling away in fright?"

10. Thank you almighty writers, for making the Fake Asian Chick the third dumbest character in the history of the show. The other two are of course, Edgar-talking-to-the-Chinese-consulate-guy last season and Kim-Bauer-talking period. I mean talking, period. Versus Kim Bauer the Talking Period. Which also fits actually.

11. How did Curtis and Bill Buchanan both miss the "Flank 2" reference when everyone in my living room got it. I wasn't feeling The Hobbit at first (funny how the same Hobbit Dynamic that makes me cheer Merry on Lost worked against Samwise Gamgee on 24.) I'm just not certain there's room for Hobbits on the show. Hobbits, we don't need no stinkin' hobbits. Samwise redeemed himself in the last episode though.

12. Jack is falling off because of this snot-nosed little boy. Even though he saw Head Terrorist Guy On Location slip Yellow Tie Man something, he let him get away because he was intent on getting Greasy Teenager back to his mommy. The kid was still in handcuffs, so he wasn't going to wander off and it's not like Mommy was going anywhere either.

13. Kaan reminded me, isn't it about time the government trusted Jack Bauer a little? Or CTU? Or Division? By now Jack should be like "I need 8 strippers, a six-pack and some bungee cords" and the President's men should be rushing off to fetch it.

14. And couldn't someone have given Jack a bit of money, so he could relax with promiscuous snow bunnies in the Alps or something? I know Jack likes to keep busy but I can't see him turning down free ass and hot chocolate in favor of working on an oil rig.

15. I don't really care about the plot holes in this show, but it's almost amusing how no one in the show ever just out and says shit that needs to be said. The First Lady for example, should have started off the conversation with "I have the transcript of David's call and I was right" instead of that ridiculously annoying conversation she and President Logan had. And likewise, "Division" Samwise (I put it in quotes because I've never seen this place "Division" and I'm not certain it actually exists) should have burst into the CTU command center with "Abortthemissionit'satrapJackgavetheflank2codewhichmeanshe'sunderduress."