Headlines

Headlines

Real Headline: Florida teen sends roses to 500 classmates.
Better Headline: High school kid sends flowers to 500 chicks hoping better odds will finally get him laid.
Or: High school kid has too much fucking money, $900 for his birthday?

Real Headline: "Friends" lawsuit brings up free speech issues.
Better Headline: Aspiring actress tries to find different avenue into the spotlight.
Or: She can't type OR take a joke.

Real Headline: Perfect Plushenko enters free skate with a 10-point lead.
Better Headline: Of course the fucking Russians can skate, the whole goddamn country is ice.
Or: Why are gay men so good at figure skating?

Real Headline: Cheney takes responsibility for shooting.
Better Headline: I wear Depends for God's sake, of course I can't see that well.
Or: You journalists are lucky they took my shotgun away.

Real Headline (lifted from AB): Angry strip club worker mails explosive condoms.
Better Headline: The dumbest "terrorist plot" in history.
Or: Idiot stripper actually expects respect from men who pay women to be naked.

Real Headline: Iranians turn on Danish pastries in cartoon row.
Better Headline: Iranians bring out the big guns, hit below the belt.
Or: You're fucking kidding me right? At least they're not peacefully bombing anyone.
Or: Want some Freedom Fries with your "Roses of the Prophet Mohammad?"

Real Headline: Brazil prepares for Rollings Stones show.
Better Headline: Brazil prepares for Rolling Stones show with coke-laced arthritis medicine .
Or: The Rolling Stones are still alive? Oh yeah they were at the Super Bowl for some reason.

Real Headline: Teen girl's prosthetic leg stolen for second time.
Better Headline: Teen girl's prosthetic leg stolen by man who threw it at police.
Or: You are all going to hell.

Real Headline: Undercover detectives receive sex services.
Better Headline: Big surprise, cops get handjobs and blowjobs in the name of combating prostitution.
Or: The best job EVER.

Real Headline: Catty remarks made after Westminster dog show.
Better Headline: These bitches won't stop whining.
Or: Does anyone really care.