But first... If I were a movie character, I'd never listen to opera. People in movies always die while they're listening to opera. Apparently it attracts people with guns. I love opera so I'd totally be that person offed during the eighth line of "O Mio Babbino Caro."
My friend Deb's friend Chris and his sponsors are donating 50 cents to a couple cancer research charities every time someone sends in a picture of themselves giving the finger, as part of their "Flip Cancer The Bird" campaign. I'm on board!
I made a new blogfriend today named Nicole. I asked Kwame if there's some sort of limit I can have on black friends named Nicole but he said that if I continue to refer to Nicky in L.A. as Nicky, and this new one as Nicole, it should be okay. Secretly you know he's displeased. He and Nicky think they've cornered the market on my black friends, just as Paul and Mike J think they've cornered the market on my white friends. What they all don't realize is that I'm secretly a member of groups like the Black Panthers and the Official Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance Fan Club, just so I can keep my diversity numbers up. Hoo-wah!
Please forgive the just-woke-upingness.
And obviously, that is the much vaunted Orange Bang shirt.
Anyway, Nicole asked people what their cubicle pet peeves were and my response in her comments was so long I decided to repost it here:
1. When someone comes up behind you and stays quiet because they're watching you do something unimportant. Okay what, you need fricken proof that I do nothing all day, for self-validation?
2. There was this chick who used to sit across from me and blab on the phone all the live long day (and believe me, once she moved to that cube the days became longer indeed) about Survivor of all things. Jesus. At least pick a show the people around you like. Sometimes I'd stare at my pencil and wonder if killing her with it was worth the time in prison. What if the chick in the cell next to me watches Survivor. That'd be some fucked up shit right there.
3. People who walk by and set things on your cubicle. What is this, a rest stop? Get your coffee off my cubicle before it spills onto all this work I haven't done because I've been e-mailing friends porn all day.
4. Friends who come by and talk about personal things REALLY LOUD. I mean hello, at least keep up the appearance that we're chatting about work and not how this guy you went out with last night makes Tommy Lee look like he went for a swim in December.
5. People who make cracks about the stuff decorating your cubicle. What, do I come over to yours and say shit like "Wow... there's nothing here. You must have no life, no friends and no personality."
6. People who stand in your cubicle's um, driveway and have personal conversations that don't include you. Yes it's technically a public place but would you have a picnic on your neighbor's sidewalk?
7. Those almost-friends who come by yet have nothing to say are a tad annoying. It's like they either want you to entertain them like a unicycle-riding monkey OR they have some sort of ulterior motive. Like scoping out someone a few cubicles away. Hey I'll help you do ass recon (quietly), but let me know what the gameplan is okay?
8. When your boss decides to stand at your cube and ream you for something. At least have the decency to do it in your office. But no, that would defeat the purpose, which is to remind everyone in hearing distance that you are THE BOSS and I am THE PEON. Really though all it does is remind people that you are THE TOOL and I am THE ONE WHO WILL BE QUITTING SOON.
9. People who talk on speaker phone all the damn time. Unless you are actively defusing a bomb (in which case let me know so I can get the fuck out of the building), there should be no cause for this. Not even if you are on a conference call. That's what the conference rooms are for. Conferences.
10. Guys who walk by your cubicle eight times a day while checking you out, and maintain eye contact the entire time. What do they think, that we're in some seventies pron flick. That maybe after the third or fourth time I'll get up, start taking my clothes off and say "Why don't I help you with those copies." Two seconds tops is all we should be look sharing, as you stroll by my territory.
I have to add more based on the comments:
11. When you're sitting in your cubicle eating lunch, and someone comes up to talk to you about work. It's bad enough they're interrupting your meal but to interrupt it to talk about work compounds the grievance. It already sucks that I wasn't able to take an actual lunch break, now this person has to make me talk about the quarterly budget meeting while my burger and fries sit there getting cold? Plus there are few things grosser than cold fast food. It's like the heat is the only thing keeping the taste and texture in.
12. People who make a production out of work discussions. Non-coincidentally, these are also the same people who use crappy office terminology.