June 17, 2006

Devil With A Bullhorn

Devil With A Bullhorn

1. You can learn a lot from commercials. For example, I never realized it but apparently, lubrication has been lacking that certain something. And apparently, that certain something is "the ability to be sprayed on mistily."

2. Let me rant for a bit, I know so many of you enjoy it when I do that, as long as I'm not bitching about YOU. So at Toys R Us today, I was in line behind some lady. First of all, you know who deserves a nice smack upside the head? People who have to dig in their purses, backpacks, waist pouches, whatever for five minutes at the register. You stood in line for ten minutes. You knew you were going to have to pay for this shit, it wasn't going to pay for itself. And assuming you have the mathematical capabilities of a 10-year-old at least, you probably have some idea of how much the shit is going to cost. Especially if you are only buying 3 items. So why in God's name, do you not have your credit card, cash or both ready???

So this woman finally pays for her stuff and turns to walk away, leaving her cart BLOCKING THE REGISTER. Shaking off my annoyance, I push it carefully to the side, then start to move forward. She comes back and asks me "Is this my cart?" I say yes, and she takes it away, leaving me relieved that yes folks, there is some hope for humanity after all. Except that towards the end of the counter, she realizes that her husband has taken their bags and walked away, so she doesn't need the cart.

Does she take it anyway and return it to its proper cart place? No.
Does she take it and push it against the wall, out of the way? No.
Does she at least put it off to the left, so that other people can get by with their carts? No.

She walks away and leaves it right in the middle of the aisle, once again blocking my way. I put both my hands on the cart and wrestled with my demons for a solid ten seconds. At that moment in time, Toys R Us was my fucking Garden of Eden and dammit that apple looked good. The angel on my shoulder said "Just move the cart away and finish paying for those diapers and wipes." The devil on my shoulder, who was holding a fucking bullhorn, said "HURRY UP THAT BITCH IS GETTING AWAY, USE HER FUCKING ASS AS A TARGET, IF YOU LAUNCH THE CART HARD ENOUGH YOU COULD PROBABLY SEND HER FLYING RIGHT INTO THE WALL."

I clenched my body up, begged God, Goddess, Allah, Buddha, anyone who was possibly listening to give me the strength to resist temptation and not get myself thrown in jail for assault. And though it looked shaky for a moment, I won. Take that Satan! Seriously though, I am not really a violent person. Every fight I have ever been in, I was defending myself. Well, most. I've had urges like that one a few times in my life during dumb situations, but never this strong. Probably because the dumb bitch did it not once, but TWICE. And of course, since I quit smoking I couldn't even calm down with that. I miss my temper crutch.

3. I always enjoy a good flaming so... Hey some of you people bitching about Ann Coulter right now, I have two words for you: Michael Moore. If you support him while you're hating on her, then you're full of shit. Because he's about a hundred times worse than she is. Coulter talks a lot of nutjob shit that crosses the line of common decency. A large percentage of the people who read her book, probably hated her in the first place and are unlikely to be influenced by it. Michael Moore on the other hand, talks a lot of nutjob shit that crosses the line of common decency, then creates fake "documentaries" that data mine, mislead and have otherwise intelligent people walking away thinking they just watched unadulterated fact. Personally, they could both fall off a cliff and I wouldn't notice or care. But the hypocrisy is getting annoying.

4. The last 5 search strings people used to find my site were:

"Theatrical jizz for the faint of heart"
(As opposed to theatrical jizz for people who have strong constitutions.)

"How to clean tabasco sauce off bedsheets"
(That sounds... unpleasant.)

"Bandaids on her nipples"
(Just a quick sex tip, if he's on them long enough to cause chafing then it's time to move on to a different part of the body.)

"Morpheus blow jobs"
(It's a common myth that gay men prefer Neo, when it's actually that strapping black man Morpheus that gets gay men wet.)

"Patrick dempsey cereal"
(We're actually fresh out of that. But we do have these nice boxes of Andrew McCarthy cereal and Judd Nelson oatmeal if you want those.)

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