July 10, 2006

Gym Rat

Gym Rat

Well, it's official. Today was my first day working out at the gym. You know you guys didn't believe I'd actually get off my ass and join one. My thoughts on the experience:

1. I ran on the treadmill for half an hour and afterwards felt like laying down and dying. Is that what it's supposed to feel like? It just proves my theory that people who like working out are insane. The iPod I inherited from Mike J was invaluable, I kept the Black Eyed Peas song "Pump It" on repeat. Mainly because it had a good beat to run to, unlike Erasure's "Always" which makes you feel like skipping around (I experimented). I built a workout playlist when I got home though and welcome any suggestions. Geo could only think of the training song from Rocky IV, when Rocky was lifting wagons and running around in the snow, while Ivan Drago trains in some state-of-the-art gym. So far I have:
    "Bodies" by Drowning Pool
    "Wake Up" by Rage Against the Machine
    "Chop Suey" by System of a Down
    "You Spin Me" by Marilyn Manson
    "Dragula" by Rob Zombie
    "When Worlds Collide" by Powerman 5000
    "Head Like A Hole" by Nine Inch Nails
    "Come On Feel The Noise" by Quiet Riot
    and... "Boom Boom Boom Boom" by The Venga Boys.
Yeah, I know. Incidentally, why is it that the same songs that are good for working out are also good for beating someone's ass and stripping?

2. Everyone in the gym is in the zone. I feel a bit guilty that I'm prancing around to music only I can hear, while they are striding about with this glazed "I'm going to go bench press that Escalade" look in their eyes. In fact, while on the treadmill, I accidentally knocked my iPod off the timer screen thing and almost went flying off the machine when I tried to catch it. Note to self, just run on the treadmill. Don't run while the upper half of your body dances to "Pump It." Also, singing along is frowned upon.

3. Women like to throw around the evil eye, while men check out everything with breasts or big biceps. I tried to figure out why the women all looked so mean, and I think it's just the type of woman the gym attracts. Let's face it, none of us twenty and thirty-somethings are going to the gym for our health. If I gave a crap about my health I wouldn't have smoked for 10 years, and probably wouldn't have the ability to pound down shots in the double digits while remaining upright. Also, I wouldn't eat cheeseburgers like there was a big cheeseburger drought and I somehow stumbled upon someone's secret cache of Big Macs. I'm going to the gym so I can enter my thirties and be cute. Also, because I can't afford a whole new larger wardrobe. So you figure the women at the gym are either concerned about their image, on some type of budget or are really hungry. Maybe all three. No wonder they're so mean-looking.

4. They might all think I'm a lesbian though. I cased out a few of the women, not to be snooty but to try and figure out what kind of body style I want to work towards. Something more specific than my current goal of "get rid of this stockpile of extra crap around my middle." Anyway, my headphones were on and I may or may not have been saying aloud to myself "That's a nice body." "I want her body." Which I guess can be misconstrued.

5. Geo has been a member of the gym for over a month now, so they're used to seeing him around. But sometimes the people would look at me, then him and I wonder if they were thinking "That guy enrolled his wife in the same gym? What an idiot." But I think Geo is more like me, I barely noticed the guys, I was too busy checking out the women and building some sort of ideal woman Frankenstein in my head out of their parts. Then again if it's tossed in your face there's no harm in looking as long as a person is discreet. I think a lot of women wouldn't care about their man checking out other women, if they didn't have to deal with the smug look some of the women give them afterwards.

6. I am going to try out spin class. Am I a glutton for punishment or what? Anyway, joining the gym may have been useless. Afterwards I was starving. It's weird that people can work out and then go have a salad. I could and would have eaten a horse if it was readily available.

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