Inner Monologue On The Treadmill
The following is an inexact transcript of the silent conversation I had with myself while on the treadmill this morning:
How do you work this thing again. Oh yeah, put the round magnet on that round magnet thing and hit start. Yes, it's moving. Let's crank this baby up a notch. Okay we're strolling, we're strolling. Let's get some good strolling music on. Here's some "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. Good strolling song but Leah hates this song. Why does she hate this song? It has a good beat. Oh well. She's not here. What kind of name is Gnarls Barkley anyway, it's like naming yourself Bennis Rodman. Or Jakeem Olajuwon. Stupid. Hey that guy in the blue shorts looks like Brian Austen Green. That's what we'll call him then, Brian Austen Green. Hey Brian. How are you doing today Brian. Remember me from high school? You keep walking around the gym but you're not sweating or anything. Get on a treadmill you lazy bastard. That's why you're stuck doing stupid movies like Domino. Hey where are you going? I'm sorry I was mean. No I'm not. Lame ass Brian Austen Green.
The song's over. If you're alone and you need a friend... crap it's "Boom Boom Boom Boom." I can't stroll to this. I'm going to have to change the song or start strut sashaying. Okay, I'll strut sashay. If someone's behind me they're probably laughing because I look so stupid doing this. "Boom boom boom boom I want you in my room, let's spend the night together, together in my room." Dang. This girl just met the guy and she's already taking him back to her place. Isn't she worried he might be some crazy serial killer. Foolish girl. She thinks she's taking him back to her place to bump uglies but really he's going to chop her up and take her back to his place in a cooler. Also, there's AIDS. What if he has AIDS? People these days.
Hey there's Useless Gym Girl. What does her shirt say... "Your boyfriend thinks I'm hot." Yeah he does. Especially when he's peeing and it burns. Then he thinks "Damn, that bitch was hot." I wonder what workout she's going to do in canvas daisy dukes. Also, isn't that material highly conducive to chafing? Useless Gym Girl is too long of a name though. And UGG is unpleasant to say. We'll call her "Houseplant." That's what DJ Metronome calls the hot girl at his bar who can't bartend. Houseplant. Hahahaha holy fuck that's funny as hell. That guy is funny.
Alright next song, next song. Oh crap it's "Pump It." That means I have to sprint. We'll crank it up to... oh shit, too fast, too fast. Who do you think you are, Jackie Joyner Kersee. We're running, we're running. Damn this is a long song. How many seconds have passed. 13. 13 fucking seconds?? That's it?? Oh my God. This is the longest song in the history of the fucking world. Stupid Black Eyed Peas. Stupid Black Eyed Peas and their stupid long ass songs. Okay how many seconds has it been now. 28?? Fuck fuck fuck. You can do this. Don't die. Wow my heartbeat is going awfully fast. Is that safe? Or am I going to be like those people that snort coke for the first time and then die because their heart beats too fast. Like Regina Morrow in that Sweet Valley High book. That was so sad. She was so nice and smart and even had a modeling career going for her. And then what happens. She snorts coke at a party because her slut boyfriend Bruce Patman made out with slutty ass Amy Whats-Her-Face.
Okay we're going to have to go back to strut sashaying. I'm tired. Hey that guy is cute. Eeew, no he's not. I wonder if Geo is going to walk by anytime soon. He's hot.
*45 minutes later*
Okay 5 more minutes. 5 more minutes. Also, suck in your gut for the last 5 minutes. Work out those abs. What abs? Okay work towards those abs. Suck it in beeyatch!! Okay okay. I'm sucking, I'm sucking. Wait, that didn't come out right. How weird that these seconds are ticking by slower than normal seconds. The Normal Second to Treadmill Second ratio is like 3:1. Freaking treadmill time. Almost done. I wonder what Geo is doing. He's probably doing that crazy ab thing where he hangs on the bar and lifts his legs up. I should do that. Yeah right. I should go have a burrito is what I should fricken do. Or maybe some pizza. Yum. Or maybe some burritos and a pizza. That works. Okay we're finished. Thank God. And you're still alive. Remember to hang out for a moment on the treadmill so you don't get vertigo when you step off. I said remember to-- never mind.