Swingers

Swingers
(As in couples who swap, not the movie where Vince Vaughn says "that's money baby" in every scene.)

People may have to sit down for this one, but I watched a movie on Lifetime the other night and enjoyed it. Yes, you read that correctly. I got sucked in while scrolling through the TV listings, when the words "This movie was filmed on location in Freehold, New Jersey over a period of four weeks" came up. That's like an ad for a restaurant saying "This restaurant buys week-old fish in bulk and undercooks it." Worked on me though so they must be on to something.

The movie was called "My Best Friend's Wife" and starred John Stamos, whose claim to fame is that he was in that show with the Olsen twins and for awhile was legally able to bang Rebecca Romijn. It was about two married couples who had been friends for a long time, that one day decided to swap spouses for a night. Or rather, the men decided then begged and pleaded their wives to go along with it. I'm not certain it was meant to be a comedy but I laughed a lot at inappropriate times, like when the characters were crying. Then I followed Geo around and hounded him until he picked a hypothetical swap for us out of all our married friends. No I'm not telling you who, you're not the boss of me. Just kidding, he didn't actually pick one. Who wants to bang a couple whose kids' birthday parties you go to. Freaks.

Based on the mistakes made by the couples in the movie, here should be the ground rules for any spousal swapping:

1. Don't pick couples where one of them is attractive and the other isn't. And I'm not just talking looks. Attractive people aren't always physically beautiful and vice versa. Also, their... biological attributes should probably be similar. To avoid any buyer's remorse.
2. If one of the parties had to be convinced to participate, there should be an eleventh hour signal of some sort. Like a "cease and desist" text message. Or a flare gun.
3. Use reliable birth control, DNA test results are not a good Secret Santa gift.
4. What happens in Freehold, New Jersey stays in Freehold, New Jersey. Contrary to popular belief, the fact that you know what your best friend's husband's cock tastes like is not appropriate dinner conversation.
5. Getting drunk and then asking your best friend how much he enjoyed your wife is not a great idea.
6. On further thought, pick a couple you don't know well enough to eat food with.
7. One of the couples should move to a different country after. Or the sun.