My MRI

My MRI

But first: Yes, I'm having a show tonight, 10 p.m. ET. So that means all of you in the appropriate time zones can do me all the huge favor of watching Friday Night Lights tonight so that it doesn't get canceled. I love that show. "Clear eyes full hearts can't lose."

Yesterday I headed to the hospital for an MRA of my head and an MRI of my brain. I had a really bad headache on the left side of my head and nausea for about 6 days, and it felt like there was a lot of pressure in there. The neurologist wants to make sure nothing serious is going on so he ordered up some tests. The radiology department had called to confirm my appointment beforehand and they asked if I was claustrophobic. I've never been claustrophobic but when they said the whole thing would last about an hour and a half I started thinking maybe I wouldn't do so well locked up in a coffin-like setting for an hour and a half. They said the doctor could prescribe me a Valium but I refused, for some reason not wanting to be a pill-popper. Yes, the person who does like 5 shots of tequila without thinking about it refused to take ONE Valium one time, as not to be a pill popper. That makes plenty of sense.

I figured all I needed was some form of inspiration. I could either pretend to be disarming Hal in 2001: A Space Odyssey or I could be a ninja assassin waiting patiently for my next target. Before we left, I removed all 6 of my ear piercings and my nose pierce, then put on a tank top, yoga pants and a long-sleeved shirt. When I got to the radiology department the tech looked me up and down and said "I don't think you need to change, you're not wearing a single piece of metal are you?" Nope. Let's do this.

When I lay down on the stretcher, the tech strapped the thing on that goes around my head and I started to feel a bit tense. Then he put the "emergency stop" squeezy thing (it looks like a blood pressure pump) in my hand and loaded me into the MRI machine, which was cylindrical but only had about a foot of space all around me. That's when the full-fledged panic began and I started doubting I could really go through with it. But then the machine stopped, I thought I was going to be shut into it like on television but it only went to my thighs. So my knees and feet were free! Which was enough for me, the panic stopped and I relaxed, knowing that I could get through all one hour and a half of this.

The tech put headphones on me, but warned that the crappy sound system they had wasn't enough to even remotely drown out the noise of the machine. And he was right, I could only hear the songs when the machine wasn't going. Which turned out to not really be a bad thing, considering what station it was on. But the noise was crazy, I didn't have a headache when I went into the machine but I had one when I came out.

Thoughts during my MRI:

Okay you can do this, no problem. Holy crap that's loud. Hey remember that article in the Post about the guy who died during an MRI because a tech left a metal wastebasket in the room and it killed him. Okay stop thinking about that. Well it would have already happened right, I mean the magnets are already on so if there was a wastebasket in this room I would have already been killed by it right. Yeah. And don't think about that X-Files episode either where the guy had supernatural powers and fried the woman in the MRI machine. Stop! Then again I am the person who read that Crichton book about plane crashes Airframe while actually on a plane. So I guess this does no harm. What song is this playing... oh God it's that annoying ass James Blunt song. And there's nowhere to run. Hey tech guy, turn the machine back on!! Turn it back on!! This fucking sucks.

So think about something else... man I hope nothing is wrong. Stop you're going to get all mushy and then the magnets will attach to the moisture and fry your brain. Okay not really but stop. Think about food. Ooooh food. Where should we eat after this? Because we most certainly are going out to eat after this damn thing and screw the PSE&G bill, screw it right in the ass. Do I want the Olive Garden? Yum, fettucine alfredo neverending pasta bowl. That might just be the ticket. Except they don't have miso soup. Miso soup, wtf? Yes, you want miso soup. Dammit okay where can we get miso soup... Komegashi's is too far. Ah, Minado's. Lovely lovely all you can eat Japanese buffet. Yes, we'll go there. Okay what was next on the list of things to keep my mind off this infernal noise... Halloween costumes. Cowboys, no too trendy right now. Freaking Heath Ledger. 70's people? Geo looks cute in those pants but that clothing hurts my eyes. Oooh pirates, what about pirates. A kick ass pirate though not a skanky one. Who wants to be a skanky pirate. "Avast ye mateys and jizz on me face" eew fricken skanky ass pirate. Pirate's eye. Hey, why didn't the pirate take his son to the movie? Because it was rated arrrrgggh. HAHA. Stupid ass joke and yet I laugh every time.

*40 minutes later*

It's good I didn't eat or I would be covered in vomit right now. This noise is so loud. Stop moving, the tech said you were moving before. Damn radio station had to play a Guitar Hero song. Guitar Hero is going to be my downfall. I wonder what the songs are going to be on Guitar Hero 2, they didn't have them listed on the pre-order box at Best Buy. Don't throw up. 2 more minutes the tech says, until he's coming in to give you the dye injection. Has anyone ever looked forward to an injection so much I think not. I wonder which vein he's going to use. 5 bucks says it's the one inside the elbow, easy bet. Damn this 2 minutes is even longer than the treadmill minutes. MRI minutes are waaaaay longer than treadmill minutes by like 10:1. I'm going to throw up, no don't throw up. Okay here comes my shot. He thinks I'm going to jerk when I get the shot, please. I had about 300 needles poked into me during the 6 weeks I was in the hospital with pre-term labor. My arms are going to be like hello old friend. I won't say that I'm used to shots though because then he'll think I'm a heroin addict. Which vein, which vein... Yes! I win. I wonder if the dye will make my pee all purply. For all this the least they could do is give me purply pee.

Tech: Okay now we need to get more data with the contrast liquid in there. It'll be another 10 minutes.
Me: You said 8 before!
Tech: It's 10
Me: Dangit. I'm going to throw up.
Tech: Really?
Me: No.