December 17, 2006

Weird Things


Lightning Bug's Butt, my favorite blogger but don't bust feelings, recently tagged me with a meme. Normally, it would take me weeks to get around to fulfilling this. And by weeks, I mean "probably never" since it's rare that I actually do these things. It's not that I'm too good for them, it's that come on... does anyone really give a shit what the twenty-eighth sentence of page 135 of the nearest book to me is ("Cecily hid her frown as Art mounted her") or the last 4 people I've spoken to on the phone (Audrey, Janelle, Pete, Tony)??

Anyway, here are 6 weird things about me. I had to stretch to find these, because we live in a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah and the curve for what passes for "weird" these days is pretty high. I could put this:

Today, I kicked a stale chicken nugget across the parking lot, threw my hands up in the air then yelled "And Riss wins the World Cup for Team USA!!!" (Number 5 on LBB's list could have been written by me.)

But that's probably not what the meme is looking for.

"6 Jacked-Up Things About Riss"

1. I CANNOT function properly if my hands have been washed and dried, but not lotioned. We're not talking a dab here. We're talking a big glop of thick cream, enough to moisturize my hands fully, and that of a small mid-Western city. If people try to talk to me during the time I am hunting for the lotion bottle, I snap "WAIT." Even if they're lying on the floor, gasping for air and the epinephrine is out of their reach. I cannot have dry skin.

2. Though I've been on a plane over 200 times or so, I now have a fear of flying. It began in March of 2000, when my friend Jeselle and I flew to L.A. so she could appear on Judge Joe Brown (her ex sued her and she scored free plane tickets for both of us to visit my family and friends). The turbulence on that red-eye flight was insane. I thought we were going to die. After that, every time I got on a plane I would have a few drinks beforehand. When I went to the Philippines in October of 2000, I was wasted out of my mind when I got off the plane for the layover in Tokyo. Of course, that was more due to the whole free drinks thing than fear of flying but oh well. I told the steward to just assume that every time he brought me a couple of those little Jack Daniels bottles, that I was requesting two more. It took me ten seconds of staring at a sign to realize that the reason I couldn't read it is because it was written in Japanese.

Then, on the morning of September 11th, Geo and I arrived back in New Jersey from a visit to my parents in L.A. A few hours later, we watched some planes crash into the World Trade Center when he dropped me off at my office building, which was across the river from the WTC . All I can remember is thinking "That's not a Cessna. Where is that jet landing, there's no airport in Manhattan." I went home and vomited pretty violently. I haven't been on a plane since, even though eventually it will be unavoidable. I'll have to bring an extra person along though, to watch my kids because FUCK THAT, if my ass is getting on a plane then my ass is doing it with some Absolut Benadryl.

3. I am a smart person who sometimes makes really, really idiotic, spur-of-the-moment decisions. Like the time I decided to run into traffic, on Madison Avenue, to save a baby sparrow that fell out of a tree. The other 30 or so people who were standing around pointing at it and freaking out that it was about to get run over were smart enough to stay put. My boyfriend at the time, was smart enough to stay put. He was even smart enough to grab my arm when he realized what I was going to do, to no avail. I'm a fucking hurricane when I decide I want to do something. Just run for cover and hope the damage isn't too bad.

4. Though I quit smoking over 8 months ago, I still fiend constantly. CONSTANTLY. Sometimes, I walk by people who are smoking and feel like jacking them for their cigarette. I had no idea I was this weak. It's been 8 months for God's sake. And those TRUTH smoking commercials make it worse. Every time I see one I want to ghetto MacGuyver a stoge using a gum wrapper and some leaves, then smoke it.

5. Text messaging makes my skin crawl sometimes. "Wht u doin rt nw" makes me want to cut my wrists, lengthwise. Unfortunately I've been dragged kicking and screaming into the text messaging world by various friends. Whereas I'm not as bothered by other peoples' grammar mistakes as I am by my own, it still makes me shudder a bit to be attacked with "your" where "you're" should be and "their" where "there" should be and "could of" where "could've" should be via text message. And it takes me triple the average time to create a text message since I refuse to abbreviate, take grammar shortcuts or spell things incorrectly. A couple of my friends text me perfect sentences and for that they have my undying gratitude.

6. Allegedly, I've seen ghosts twice in my life, and hope to never again. But that's a post for a different day. (I say "allegedly" because I only remember one since it happened four years ago.)

People I am tagging: Ray, Girlie, Smarty, Nicole, Elaine, MadameRouge. Naturally, I've ignored so many tags from people that it won't bother me if they read this and go "Fuck that."

Also, feel free to chime in with some of the weird shit about you guys. I know some of you are psychos, otherwise why would you read this blog.

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