March 22, 2007

Speed Dial

Random Humorous Things About The People On My Speed Dial: Part 1

Geo got slapped once by his ex-girlfriend at a party in Hoboken, about 10 years ago. We were friendly acquaintances at the time and when I found out why he'd gotten slapped (he slept with her best friend) I started howling with laughter and couldn't stop. Which is fine except I was standing right in front of him at the time, pointing and bent over in complete hysteria. Tony angrily told me to "Get the fuck out of here."

Geo almost accidentally killed his little sister Net when they were small kids. They were playing on the roof of their 3-story house, and he pretended to push her off then grab her at the last minute, except he actually did it. Twenty years later me, Geo and Net were on the roof again and they laughingly recounted the story. Except that while telling it, they both realized how far up it was and what would have happened if Geo missed. He looked pretty ill as he turned to her and said "Um, I'm sorry about that by the way."

When Kwame used to work at the NBA, he was one of the people that was responsible for answering the public hotline. A "mentally-challenged" guy would call up each day to shoot the breeze about sports, but he could never pronounce Kwame's name correctly. It was always "Kwamby." Now, we use Kwamby as the name for Kwame's alter ego.

Kwamby is a freak that says some straight out foul shit. The guy that tenderly watches over his newborn baby girl is Kwame. The guy that gives himself a pound every now and again for knocking up his wife is Kwamby. "Yeah, I hit that."

At Kwame's wedding, the emcee for some reason handed the microphone to Kwame's cousin, who managed to turn a toast to the new bride and groom into a Black Power speech. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and had to stick my head under the table because I was laughing so hard at Kwame's "Who the fuck gave this guy the mic" facial expression. Incidentally, I got Kwam the shirt in the picture because his last name is randomly as Irish as "O'Shaughnessy."

When Steve was in his late teens in Australia, he witnessed some punks breaking into his cousin's house. As a result, he was called to testify at their criminal trial. Prior to being sworn in, the bailiff asked him what religion he was. He explained that though he started out Catholic, in recent years he had been studying Zen Buddhism. She then asked if that was who he prayed to, Zen, and he replied that it's more of a philosophy but eventually just agreed. So she asked him to raise his right hand and say "I, Steve, solemnly swear to the Almighty Zen that I will speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." And with a bewildered and bemused expression on his face, Steve proceeded to swear in court to the "Almighty Zen."

On Steve's 30th birthday, he decided to realize a lifelong goal and spend it in Tibet. Bringing along the clothes on his back and ONE change of underwear, he hopped on a plane to Nepal. On the plane, he met a nice woman in her 60's who proceeded to take him under her bosom, I mean wing. So for the duration of his trip, he essentially lived with this family, ate their food, used their yak etc. Upon returning to the states, he kept in touch with her and made the reciprocal offer that if ever they were in New York they could stay with him. So his "Thai Auntie" hopped onto a bus from her home in North Carolina. On the last night of her stay, she told him that he reminded her of her husband who had passed away, and made her move. Freaked out but mindful of her feelings, Stevie managed to extricate himself from the situation without actually having to put out sympathy dick. She raged and cried for awhile and he eventually held her hand until she fell asleep.

When Steve was 22, his girlfriend was hassling him to buy her a ring. So in Amsterdam, our beleaguered hero finally bought her a "Shut Up Ring." Which she then proceeded to show off to all their friends in Australia, along with a fictitious story of his proposal, which took place at a castle in Wales. Every time I tell this story, the telyn (harp) in the background always plays a different song. Last time I told this story, it was playing "Tonight... I Celebrate My Love" by Peabo Bryson. Another time it was "Endless Love" by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie.

Last year Tony spent weeks in physical rehabilitation from a back injury. He got it during a particularly amorous episode with someone wearing ill-placed stiletto heels.

When Tony used to visit me back in 1995 at UC Santa Cruz, he would rollerblade all over the campus which was built on a mountain. Usually, he'd be speeding downhill faster than the cars. My friends used to think he was insane, but I was pleased because he was always willing to go on midnight ice cream runs just so he could blade. Sometimes I'd strap my blades on and go with him, but my modus operandus was usually to close my eyes and hang on for dear life (while praying to the Almighty Zen). Tony also used to pee out my dorm window, when the bathroom was right outside my door. One time, he got pissed and punched a hole through my dorm suite wall. I tried to hide it from my roommates by covering it up with a Chili's drink menu but at the end of the year the school charged me $100 to fix it.

Tony's middle name is "Diosdado" which means "God-given." Also, when he runs down the basketball court his thumbs automatically stick up into the "Thumbs Up" position.

Coming soon: Part 2 featuring my sister Leah, Abel, Mike J and Janelle.

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