January 24, 2002

The Pursuit of Decent Trivia Questions

The Pursuit of Decent Trivia Questions

I hung out with Kaan, Kwame and Lani last night for the first time in awhile. I really miss hanging out with those guys. By the way Rick, when are you coming back up north? Anyway, Kaan had to leave early so the three of us who were left ended up playing Trivial Pursuit. Okay so first of all, let me just add "The makers of Trivial Pursuit" (because I didn't read the box) to my list of companies that I've been meaning to write snotty letters to but haven't because I actually have a life. Okay that's not true but it sounds better than "because I'm inherently lazy."

Anyway, the description of the game as provided on the box clearly states it is a game of "general trivia knowledge." That being said, does anyone reading this know what animal's petrified hairball is kept in a museum in Waco Texas?? And does anyone reading this know what the enzymes in a beer's mash produce in starch?? And does anyone reading this actually know what K-word some random people coined as a result of the Marcos regime's dictatorship in the Philippines? (Buffalo, Sugar, Kleptocracy....wtf). On the other hand, some of the questions were equally ludicrous in their stupidity versus their obscurity.

Q: What type of cookies did Amy the Long Island Lolita pretend to sell before she shot Mary Jo Buttafucco?
A: Oreos, because she firmly believed in adding to Nabisco's bottom line. She didn't even sell them at a markup or anything.

Q: In 1857 what did Wild Bill Hickock fall off after he shot Jim Whoever?
A: His Harley. He was roaring off into the sunset with the O.K. Corrall chapter of the Hell's Angels and couldn't maintain his balance after he discharged his weapon.

Q. The people who came up with these questions are: a) Dildos b) Smoking crack c) The byproducts of incest d) Currently managing the Knicks
A. I'm sorry, this was a trick question. The answer is e) All of the above.

Kwame kept landing on "Pink" and getting asked entertainment questions that really only girls know (which is why it's pink) and I couldn't seem to escape brown, because the omniscient Trivial Pursuit Gods know that I know next to nothing about "Science and Nature." And the one topic I do know something about (the mating habits of the preying mantis) wasn't even one of the questions! Did you know that in order to initiate sex the female preying mantis rips off the head of the male preying mantis then proceeds to have sex with its writhing, decapitated body? Now be honest, isn't that just a little bit intruiging in its reverse gender animalistic barbarity? "I was only kidding about that, Your Honor."

One week later edit: I totally forgot the best part of the night... after we were done the conversation degenerated into how funny it would be if we were to make a homemade trivial pursuit game with questions about our former coworkers like "Which employee once crashed a rental van during a business trip because she was engaged in coital relations with a beat writer?" or "Which PR employee has nailed 3 different women in the department?" or "Which former intern used to stare at Lani while scratching his balls eight times a day?"

No comments: