April 24, 2002


The Galloping Gourmet, NBA Playoffs and Whatever Else I Can Think Of

I woke up this morning at like 4 a.m. hungry as hell because all I had for dinner were 3 shots of blackhaus, a shot of tequila, 3 orgasms (kahlua/amaretto/bailey's) and a ketel and cran. Oh and a chicken finger. So I pop in one of those diet TV dinners and turn on the Food Network. There was this old cooking show on called "The Galloping Gourmet" and the host Graham Kerr is funny but insane. Like you can tell that he's really just one burnt toast away from the asylum. In this episode he was calling himself The Emperor and saying things like "This isn't tv, this is something personal between me and you" and "I am the Knight of the Black Truffle" to the chicken he was stuffing. He totally fit my image of the nice guy that no one knows is a serial killer. Did he live in Boston? Because maybe he was the real Boston Strangler. I'm being serious. This guy was funny, wacky, freaky, scary yet intruiging all at the same time. I think this is going to become one of my favorite shows. It only airs Monday through Friday at 4:30 in the morning so it's going to take some adjustment to my internal body clock. "It's all for the cause, my friend."

I've mentioned two "Kerr"s in the last two posts so maybe I should make it an even three and talk NBA playoffs so I can mention Steve Kerr. Well it wouldn't be much of a mention since he plays like 3 minutes per game. In fact, that was the mention. Anyway every year my friend Danny in L.A. sends me ONE e-mail... just one. It arrives in June and is usually two sentences about how the Lakers are basketball gods and everyone else in the league sucks dick (to quote Chris Rock) "like the antidote is in it." As blasphemous as it sounds, I would give up more things than I gave up for Lent to not receive that e-mail this year. I HATE the Lakers. HATE HATE HATE them. I didn't hate them when they had Eddie Jones, but once they created the Shaq-Kobe partnership my ambivalence quickly turned to LOATHING. God I can't stand that duo. The sight of Shaq lumbering up the court (heads and shoulders above anyone) to jump 3 inches and dunk makes me cringe. And don't get me started on Kobe's crybaby theatrics because I'm about to eat lunch. Why did the Nets lose Game 1?!? Why is Reggie Miller such a fucking dope clutch player?? My knee makes a popping noise when I go up the stairs...how is John Stockton still playing professional basketball?? Why is Allen Iverson scoring 20 points??
Can someone please tell me why Sacramento always chokes in the postseason? Ooooh speaking of Sacramento, let's look at the evolution of Scot Pollard shall we??

Scot Pollard 1997: "Is This My Corn Field or Yours??"
Scot Pollard 2000: "Pack It Up Pack It In, Let Me Begin..."
Scot Pollard 2002: "Eminem Meets Mark McGrath."

I am awaiting next season with baited breath. I'm hoping for dreads.

My favorite Kobe story: I worked the MTV/NBA All Star Party hosted by Puffy at some club. My job was to do the real work so my boss could schmooze. I had to follow the NBA Entertainment TV crew around and make sure they didn't piss of MTV's camera people. We got there when it first started and Kobe was one of the first people there. He was wearing a brown suit and had walked in with about 10 white boys who looked like they came to New York via hay ride. We asked him to say ONE sentence for the camera and he said no, he was too busy. Then he proceeded to go to the VIP section and sit around doing nothing for an hour. Apparently, he later felt self-conscious about being in a suit when everyone else (other than the MTV/NBA execs) were wearing clubbing gear. So he goes back to his hotel and changes into an Adidas sweatsuit then comes back. Best part of the story is that while he was gone, some of the other players showed up like Gary Payton, Reggie Miller and Mitch Richmond and they were all wearing suits. I couldn't stop laughing.

I got to do some work real quick. Trifling.

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