"I Worship Ben" and Other Monday Thoughts
First and foremost, let me just say a few things:
1. Ben is a fucking god.
2. He drew me and Terry McGinnis!!!!!!!!!!!!! (That's Batman from Batman Beyond for you cartoonally-challenged dorks.)
3. It's good that Ben is the talented one because if I had his skill, I would use my drawing powers for evil. "Dean, pay me $20,000 and I will draw a flash program of you doing Halle Berry from behind."
Okay moving on with what I was writing before I had a transcendental sexual experience with Ben and Terry McGinnis at my desk.... My cousin Bodie and his wife Baya are in New York, visiting from the Philippines so my friends and I have been taking them out. Their observations about American society were pretty on point. They ranged from "Americans are too fat" to "Cigarettes are too expensive here" to "Your airport security has quite a few major flaws" to "White people dance funny." On Saturday night we went to Brother Jimmy's on the Upper East Side then down a few blocks to some random bar called Blue Elephant. Which is apparently just one of those really esoteric names because the only blue elephant we saw was the one half-heartedly painted by the bathroom wall. On my orders Geo acquired the salt and pepper shakers from our table which were beyond cute. Hey.... charge me $11 per drink and I think I'm entitled to a souvenir. Actually I also got a free drink out of it, from the bisexual bartender who couldn't choose between me or Geo. On Sunday we went to the Cheesecake Factory ("No wonder Americans are so fat....look at the size of these portions") then went home and played this Filipino card game Tongits all night. It's kind of like gin rummy but you can only pick up the top card and there's bluffing involved. It's fun as hell for a card game that doesn't involve doing shots. Once I won all of Bodie's money we called it a night. Now I can go buy a pack of cigarettes!
Howard had some Vivid porn star (who recently gave birth to a baby) on his show this morning. He asked her didn't she think having a porn star for a mother would cause psychological problems for him later on in life and she said she didn't know why it would. She felt he will "benefit from growing up in such an open environment" which had me wondering if she was planning to blow him every night once he hit puberty. Howard asked her what she was going to say when he becomes and teenager and his friends want to watch a porn that his mother is in, and all of a sudden there's Mommy dearest "getting anally and orally double-penetrated." She had no response. Again let me quote one of the best lines from a movie ever..."In this country you need a license to drive or catch fish, but they let any old asshole become a father" (or in this case mother) - Keanu Reeves in Parenthood. The chic was talking about how when her and her husband throw orgies, their baby son just sleeps right through them. How considerate of him.
My boss and I went to lunch with a reporter today, to pitch her one of the few stories we're allowed to discuss with all this acquisition crap going on. I had the Vichyssoise which was described in the menu as a "cold Basque soup made with savory leeks and potatoes" but which was really "cold baked potato soup that would taste better after a minute and 30 seconds in the microwave."
Tonight me, Lani, Geo, Mike, Bodie and Baya are going to this tapas place in the city, which will completely confuse my cousins. They're convinced American food portions are "hefty" so it'll be interesting what they'll have to say when the "tapas" are served which is Spanish for "two small pieces of food for a really big price."
Paul is making fun of me because he doesn't believe in ghosts. I told him he didn't understand because it wasn't part of his culture (Filipinos believe in this stuff). He replied that he didn't have a culture. I told him "Sure you do. The trailer park life in Woodbridge, New Jersey is a culture."