June 1, 2002

Friday Night Fight and Demonic Ass Fingers

Friday Night Fight and Demonic Ass Fingers

I like to torment myself by watching the show Iron Chef. As a result, I have to listen to their descriptions of the food they're making while I sit there with my bowl of macaroni and cheese. I tried to hype myself up by describing my food too but for some reason it didn't work. "I've combined the tap water and the macaroni and will heat it to near boiling. Once it has reached the desired temperature I will add the sumptuous Easy Mac sauce mix for the subtle cheddar flavor."

Now I'm watching "The Brawl at the Taj Mahal" on E!...

Some thoughts:

1. Some chic who is a Siamese twin just sang the national anthem.

2. They showed old clips of some of Stuttering John's celebrity interviews... "OJ, can you sign my knife?" Hahaha funny as hell... To Tyra Banks he called out "How many times a day do you vomit??" HAHAHAHAHAHA oh my Lord...

On Quirked.com in the "distortions" section there is a funny ass pic of Tyra Banks. Funny thing is, I had to be told it was a distortion. To be honest it's not too far off. That's a Cro Magnin forehead right there. I feel bad cuz when I look at her I think she's pretty but then I inevitably stare at her forehead. I met her once at a Liberty game and I think she noticed I couldn't take my eyes off her forehead.

3. This is beyond David and Goliath. It looks like Shaq versus Mugsy Bogues out there. Cabbie looks like he didn't train for this a lot. The arrogance of big men.

4. For $19.99 you can get "The Best Of Backyard Wrestling" on VHS and watch the most Darwinian deaths in Middle America (1-800-615-9440)

5. Nicole Bass (the "female" bodybuilder who is touted as "The Biggest Woman In The World") looks like Michael Bolton on steroids. I don't believe that's a chic. I'm going to wait for the body cavite search results.

6. Stuttering John is whaling on Cabbie. It's raining right hooks. Okay Cabbie almost knocked out Stuttering John. If that round was 5 seconds longer John would have been KO-ed. Oh man, last round. Cabbie looks like he's trying to use Stuttering John as a couch to lie down and go to sleep on.

7. Stuttering John won because (1) he didn't have the fighting background Cabbie did, so he didn't come into the fight with any pre-conceived notions of his own greatness and (2) he had more to lose. With the weight and height difference, if John had no D he could have gotten seriously hurt.

8. Stuttering John and his wife Susanna look like a mad cute couple.

9. They played one of those "Girls Gone Wild" video/DVD commercials that they always show on E!

Commercial: "Come see Girls Gone Wild at college campuses" *shows clip of dozens of girls flashing their breasts*
George: "You mean WHITE girls gone wild."

On to the game...

Godammit I hate the Lakers. By the way, Lawrence Funderburke's new haircut makes him look like he should be in the Marines. Does anyone want to know why I hate the Lakers?? Because they're not a team. They're two (annoying but talented) players. Right now the score is "Kobe/Shaq = 59 points, Rest of team = 27" Okay I'll stop hating on them for now...

Kobe and Shaq suck balls!!!!!!!! Wait, where did that come from? Demonic ass fingers, taking over my body. Hey that would be a great name for a horror flick, "Demonic Ass Fingers." I shudder to think what an ass finger would look like.

Yeah, Shaq just leveled Funderburke. I swear it's disgusting watching him play. It's like watching a bunch of bunny rabbits post up against the Abominable Snowman. I was going to say "Sasquatch" but then Net would have gotten confused. The refs are going crazy with their calls... Oh well, they have their instructions... "Under NO CIRUMSTANCES is there to be a New Jersey/Sacramento matchup in the Finals, comprende??" NBC and the league have a lot of money riding on the Finals. They figure it'll be a ratings nightmare to have two small market teams in the Championship but damn... true fans would really enjoy that matchup I think.

Nice elbow Kobe. Nice of him to bring it up to as he tried to get past Bibby. Worked like a charm and of course the refs called foul. Fucking bastards. Don't be afraid to call a bullshit foul with 11 seconds left in the 4th. Fucking fucking fucking bastards. Wow, the last time I used that phrase was in my car thieves post from last January.