August 6, 2002

Dikembe, Conjoined Twins, Karaoke, Subtitles, Bestiality and Directors On Drugs

Dikembe, Conjoined Twins, Karaoke, Subtitles, Bestiality and Directors On Drugs

Holy shit, the Nets acquired Dikembe Mutombo from the Sixers??? What a futile attempt... at least they're trying I guess. But Dikembe didn't exactly shut down Shaq in the 2001 NBA Finals with Allen Iverson at the helm, I don't see how he's going to do it now. Notice I'm not bemoaning the loss of Keith Van Horn, but couldn't they have found some way to ship off Kerry Kittles as well? Larry Brown was probably like "You can't foist that shit off on me." If I were Rod Thorn I'd take half a second-round draft pick in exchange for Kerry Kittles. Oh well... JKidd wanted to play with Tim Duncan or Antonio McDyess. Wonder if he'll take Mutombo instead. Hey, doesn't his name sound like that virus in Outbreak?? What was that called... The Motoba virus? Moltova? Multnomah? No, that's some Indian person my elementary school was named after. I was actually going to go into some long spiel about the conjoined Guatemalan twins that were recently separated at UCLA med and American healthcare, but now I've lost my steam.

(11:00 p.m. edit: I turned on the TV after I published this post and Dateline NBC had a special on the story of the twins. Funny thing was, coincidentally they interviewed one of my high school friends from North Hollywood who apparently assisted with the surgery. Crazy as hell. I'm sitting on my ass every day helping some highly-profitable brokerage firm make more money than God and he's out there saving lives. Nothing like a feel-good Dateline story to make you feel like a blood-sucking corporate leech.)

Mike and Aris came up from Cherry Hill last weekend to hang out. A bunch of us went to Lee's Hawaiian on Friday night so we could get drunk and listen to the worst karaoking in the storied history of karaoking. At least I assume that's what the agenda was, being that's what happened. I don't know what it is that happens when humans spy the karaoke machine. Some sort of ironic reverse phenomenon occurs whereby the people who are completely tone deaf always sing the most and the loudest. And heaven forbid they actually sing a song that actually has a simple melody for a simple vocal range. They always have to sing complicated shit like Aerosmith's "Dream On " or Whitney's "I Will Always Love You" or an aria from Leo Delibes' opera "Lakme."

On Sunday I picked up a DVD called The Duel made by the same people who did A Man Called Hero and Storm Riders. The visual effects were awesome as usual but the wannabe comic relief was annoying and they did a pretty crappy job of translating the dialogue. I don't understand Cantonese or anything but the English subtitles completely lacked segue, or the sentences themselves didn't make any sense. "I will bring you a fecund cow for the good luck being" or some shit like that. Also, I think they're running out of things to call the masters' special fighting moves. "Hovering Heavenly Fairy Stance" isn't exactly the manliest or fear-inspiring of titles.

Dammit, I'm seriously considering banning Aris from using my computer. I've only had it for a week so I've been on like 3 websites (EBay, Yahoo and Blogger). But I was just assailed by about 40 pornographic pop-ups, the kind that open like 40 more when you try to X out of them, thereby making you feel like picking up the entire computer and throwing it out the window. I had to close them out through the windows task manager, which is really too much effort to have to go through just for the privilege of not having to look at stank ass people licking barnyard animals on my monitor. Everyone knows there exists some sort of moral caste system amongst the "immoral." You know... alkis aren't as bad as potheads who aren't as bad as crack addicts. Or Budweiser chics aren't as bad as strippers who aren't as bad as hookers. I guess some sort of debate would occur as to where porn stars would rank in that system... are they not as bad as hookers because they only sleep with other porn stars, or are they worse because their debauchery is available on film??

My point is, (to bring it all to a head shall we say *snicker* oh my God, puns really are the lowest form of humor) that one thing I'm sure those who debate the moral ladder will all agree on is that the women who make bestiality porn are the absolute saddest of the lot. The bottom rung, the one that is partially underground. Don't waste your time in church praying for the strippers, pray for these people. These are the people that can't even begin to fool themselves by saying they're doing it to be "in control of their own lives" or to "become a star" or for "financial independence." These are the people that can't even begin to pretend that they have any shred of self-respect left. I feel really, really bad for these people. (Kwame's like "Is this like when you step over the homeless guy but feel bad for the guy who has to pass out flyers on the corner of 47th and 5th?") No, this is much worse than that! I'd walk around the block 3 times and take 3 different flyers for these people. And incidentally, I don't step over homeless people. That's just a popular myth perpetuated by people who equate my willingness to tell the harsh truth with being possessed by the devil. Okay, only I could segue from annoying pop-ups to moral dilemmas. By the way, I'm a bit annoyed right now. I just found out that I've been spelling "bestiality" wrong all these years. What the hell happened to the "a"?? I assumed it's called bestiality because it's sex involving beasts... so shouldn't that be "beastiality"?? New topic.

I watched Moulin Rouge for the first time ever today. Is it just me or is Baz Luhrmann on drugs? Not "on drugs" like a blunt or three to get through the day. Not "on drugs" like a little X at Leonardo Dicaprio's house on a Saturday night. I'm talking "on drugs" like three tabs of acid washed down with some Grey Goose on a Wednesday afternoon. Just wondering. Because damn, that movie is weird as hell. Who conceptualizes John Leguizamo as a drunken French midget? Answer: People under the influence of strong narcotics. You knew it after Strictly Ballroom and Romeo and Juliet though. Incidentally, Romeo and Juliet was underrated, that was a really awesome way to tell a story that's been told a million times. Even the setting was perfect, there's something surreal about Mexico City from the air.

No comments: