Googling
I was so bored today I decided to Google myself. Okay that sounded kinky. "Yes!! Yes!! I googled myself!!!!" I didn't put my full name in though because that would be boring. I did an advance search on my IRC (Internet Relay Chat) nick from back in the day "rissah." I had to do an advance search minus the word "bible" because rissah is a biblical city and if you type it on by itself a whole bunch of results come back on theology. Anyway, I found some old ass webpages of people I knew back in the day, a picture of me that I had never seen before, a bunch of weblog posts, the time my friend Paul put me on hotornot.com as a practical joke (woo-hoo I'm a 9.4... Pete said if I had been wet in the picture my score would have been higher. I'll have to remember that for next time someone decides to put me on a ratings website without my approval), some message board posts and of course my regular site. It was fairly interesting and a bit scary. Note to cyberstalkers: I carry a Glock 26 and I know how to use it. And I have a big dog who when given the command "attack" goes for the testicles and rips them off with one powerful movement of the jaw. And my husband is a black belt (like all Asian people are, which you'd know if you watch TV or see movies). And every night we spray the outside of our windowsills and doors with spray-on anthrax. Just so you know.
So then I googled some guys I know but then got grossed out when I saw the results. I had forgotten how singularly unattractive they were. So that made me stop googling and I decided to take a nap.
Miss Universe
Okay I went scrolling through the Miss Universe pictures on Yahoo and one thing always weirds me out about this pageant. The thing that always weirds me out about this pageant is that not every single one of the women is BANGIN. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that but you and I both know that there are some people out there that aren't as attractive as you would expect to see in this arena. I mean it's a BEAUTY PAGEANT for God's sake. No one really cares or even sees anything else. Do you think people are saying things like "Miss Brazil's answer really touched on the dichotomy of capital punishment and the preservation of human life" or are they saying things like "Damn, Miss France has a nice rack!!" When I watch this pageant... okay, when I watch a few minutes of this pageant I expect to see 72 of the most beautiful women who have ever walked the earth. You know why Russian and Latina women always win the Miss Unvierse pageant? It's not because their women are better looking than the rest of the world. It's because their pageant judges select women they think can walk away with the Miss Universe crown. Some countries just fuck it up so badly. Come on now... let's be honest. Do we really think Miss China is going to win this thing?? China is the most populous country in the entire world by far and this is the best they could do? At least India represented well, like they did last year.
Other contestants who fell into this category included Miss USA (yeah we're guilty too), Miss Egypt, Miss Ireland, Miss Singapore, Miss Chinese Taipei, Miss Germany, Miss Nicaragua and... Miss Philippines. That's the one that really gets me. This is like the 4th year in a row they've done this. When I was a kid, Miss Philippines was always drop dead gorgeous. They fell off big time. Too much corruption in that country. They're not able to send their very best because the rich families are always bribing judges to pick their ugly daughters. I am so disappointed.
Anyway, my favorites were:
Miss Canada, Miss Greece, Miss Mexico, Miss India, Miss South Africa, Miss Brazil and of course the winner, Miss Dominican Republic.
Okay I need to stop judging this thing like it's a sports event. I still dig the one who won last year though, but got her crown taken away because she didn't fulfill her crowd-waving and ribbon-cutting Miss Universe obligations. She's got to be one of if not the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She was a cop too, how cool is that. Can you imagine her arresting you?
If I were a guy or a lesbian that would be like the greatest porn fantasy ever.
