Random Crap

Random Crap

1. Okay (don't open this link at work but) this picture of Paris Hilton some guy put on his blog is just mad funny. He straight up said "If you look closely there's an actual diving board above her belly button." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Classic.

2. So for my Halloween costume I'm going to be a nurse. I had very limited choices really. Didn't want to actually go out and buy a costume, so I had to dig through my wardrobe and see what I could make out of my own clothes. That left me with two choices pretty much. I could either be a vampire (for the third year in a row) or I could rock this white zip-up (or zip-down depending on how lucky Geo thinks he's going to get) minidress I got at Forever 21 last year for like 7 dollars. Add some white thigh-highs, a cap and a red cross somewhere and you've got yourself a nurse. Although I have no clue where I'm going to get the cap. I found some link that teaches you how to make it but I suck at that shit. I'd better start kissing Geo's ass now so he makes it for me in time for Girlie's Halloween party on Saturday. Somehow I don't think I'll have to kiss that hard, considering he really wants to see the costume. Even took me to some "erotic fantasy" shop tonight hoping to find a cute nurse's cap. A lot of skeevy ass people go to those places. Use cash when you go there.

3. Okay I just talked to my friend Reena and she wants to dress up as Elle Driver and GoGo Yubari from Kill Bill. That fits in with my costume plans. Just need to add a white eye patch with the red cross on it. And I get to carry a sword, woo-hoo!!

4. I thought I was at least semi-vain but apparently I'm not vain enough. Because apparently the key to possibly losing the last inch of residual pregnancy tummy is to cut salt, sugar and alcohol from your diet. Um yeah, okay. Technically I can do that but there's no way in hell I want to. If I cut all that from my diet the only thing left will be rice and water. And I'd probably have to cut rice as well. So all that'd be left is water. What dishes can you make using only water? Cream of Water Soup. Water Pot Pie. Braised Shoulder of Water in Water Sauce.

5. That song "Float On" makes me really happy. I don't know why. But it does.

6. Aud called me because she was bored as hell in her hotel room. So we started online window shopping together. She is determined to somehow get the Dina Bar-El dress Kate Hudson rocked in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days for Christmas from her mom. If she gets it she promises to wear it to every wedding she attends for the rest of her life. If I had the money I'd buy it for her, just to see that. I'm feeling the strapless dress worn by this chick on the couch but I want it in the cornflower color of the dress in the background, or in this lime color. I suppose I could buy it, I just won't eat for the next year. When I was searching for the dresses, I came across this other dress that was the perfect color but tacky as all hell. Why do people design dresses like this? Oh I forgot. For women from broken homes.

7. Mike J sent me and Tony this video today of some "regular" chick going down on a guy with a 10-inch penis and she swallowed the whole thing, PLUS his balls. She must have no gag reflex at all. Or tonsils. Or intestines. Nothing to get in the way of that thing. Either that or (as Tony says) she has a hole in the back of her neck and his dick just goes out that way. She was very gifted. Normally I wonder about non-porn star women who allow themselves to be videotaped and put on the internet. But in her case it would almost have been a crime not to share her talent with the whole world. Like some scientist discovering a new alternative energy source and keeping it to themselves.

8. My horoscope today from NYPost.com (the supposedly only "historically-proven accurate horoscope in the world") really blows sunshine up my ass. I think it is trying to tell me to stop fucking around on my blog and actually write something relatively substantial. "You deserve to succeed. You deserve to be rewarded. You deserve the fame and the glory that have come your way. Others will try to tell you it is no more than luck, that anyone could have been as fortunate as you, but you must not believe it. You are a Leo. You are special. You are up there with the gods. It's where you belong." Fame and glory that have come my way? What fame and glory is this? Did I find the Holy Grail and not realize it? Did the Official Nobel Prize Committee name me as a winner and not tell me? Yes, that's it. I must have won the Nobel Prize in Uselessness for my work in random thoughts that are of no use to anybody.

9. I'm really reaching. Can you tell? When was the last time I discussed my horoscope on here? The answer is never, because I don't even read those things.

10. This post is so fucking boring I have to stop.