I hadn't watched Van Helsing in the theatres because I'd never really seen a preview. Geo and I have to pick and choose our movie excursions very carefully these days. Don't want to waste a babysitter on some crappy flick. I figured since I hadn't really heard much about the movie, that it must have sucked pretty bad and bombed at the theatre. We just borrowed the DVD from Manny and Janelle and it actually is pretty good. I mean I know the critics trashed it and all but that really doesn't hold any weight with me. Critics vilify any movie that doesn't allegorize the meaning of life. But if an action flick is actually making you think about something other than "I wish I could do that" or "Damn, I wish I had one of those" then it's not a very good action flick. HELLO. The whole point of an action flick is that it's supposed to be full of neat visuals and a good guy that leaves a trail of broken bad guys wherever he goes. Seriously. Look up "action flick" in the dictionary and that's what it says. Van Helsing is kind of campy at times but it fits the bill. A couple spoilers ahead.
My only complaint is that I don't buy Kate Beckinsale as an action heroine. Maybe I'm just biased because I despised Pearl Harbor. Nahh, it's not bias. She's a Chocolat-type actress not an Elektra one. Some actresses like Angelina Jolie can successfully navigate crossing over back and forth, but she's not one of them. Josie Moran's utter hotness in Van Helsing as one of Dracula's brides more than makes up for it though. Of course, she's in the movie for all of about 8 seconds but they're a good 8 seconds. They should have cast Kate Beckinsale as Marishka aka Vampire Bride Who Dies First and cast Josie Moran as Anna Valeria. Oh and if you watch the "bloopers" segment of the DVD, there should be no doubt in anyone's mind that Hugh Jackman is gay. Yes, folks, I'm thinking Wolverine is gay. He'll still kick your ass but he'll do it in a Madonna shirt.
So last night, Tony and Mike J came over for dinner and cake (Tony's birthday just passed.) We popped in Van Helsing since Mike J hadn't seen it yet:
Mike J: Let's go to Transylvania.
Tony: Okay Mike, you just showed that you are white.
Me: Exactly. YOU go there.
Tony: The rest of us will stay as far away as possible.
Van Helsing: NO!!!!!!!!!!
Me: He's just upset because she died before he got to bang her.
Tony: Yup. I'd be too.
Mike J: Well she's still warm.
Geo: See Mike, that's why your people are always on America's Most Wanted.
The rest of us: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As if to expound upon our theory that only white people do shit like going to Transylvania, later on I checked my email and got one from Paul about his latest skydiving excursion. On this one he was literally so high (and not in an herbal fashion) that oxygen was needed. That's fucking lovely. You couldn't pay me to jump out of a working plane, much less have me pay someone else for the "privilege" of doing it.
Would I rather:
a) Be flogged for a few hours
b) Go down on the fattest woman in the entire world
c) Eat nothing but raw mice for three years
d) Cover myself in papercuts and bathe in lemon juice
e) Go skydiving
The answer is F, any of the above except E.
Yes, I have a complete lack of desire to go skydiving. I don't even like typing the word. People always say "Well you like roller coasters right?" Well yeah, I love roller coasters, especially the ones with big drops, but there's a huge difference. On a roller coaster you're attached to something that stays on the ground. That's key.
So using that rule of thumb, the checklist goes like this:
Parasailing? Yes.
Hang-gliding? No.
Bungi jumping? Maybe. But highly doubtful.
Rock climbing? No. Being attached to a cliff is not the same as being attached to the ground.
I'm telling you. I know I've written a post about this before but I can't find it. You are not going to catch Asian people (except maybe the Japanese), black people or Mexican/Puerto Rican/Cuban/whatever people jumping out of planes willingly, throwing themselves off a bridge connected to a springy cord that's going to slam them around like a child shaking a puppet, flying over a canyon while attached to a large kite, sticking their hands into a crocodile's mouth or running around with horned, rampaging bulls (people from Spain are white). You're just not. There are the occasional oddballs, but they're the exception not the norm. You might see a black guy parachuting out of a plane but he's either in the military or he's adopted and his parents are Jim and Carol Cunningham from Apple Valley, Minnesota.
So here is my boy Paul, jumping out of a working plane, willingly:
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