More Random Articles

More Random Articles

First and foremost, I must issue a public retraction concerning my earlier (rather virulent) posts concerning White Castle. I still think they're pulling a fast one with the alleged "meat" in their burgers, but I do enjoy their clam strips, onion rings and chicken rings. However, they need to remember whose paychecks made them popular, i.e. people who normally don't make a whole lot. They have the audacity to charge over $5 for a sack of chicken rings, which contain all of about 9 chicken rings. And the onion rings are a buck or so, but yesterday Aud's "regular size" order came with exactly FOUR onion rings. They didn't even round up to 5. She went away from the drive-through window with 4 onion rings. That's not right. That's 25 cents a ring. They're getting a little too big for their britches over there at White Castle headquarters in Columbus.

Not that I hold with the whole "remember the people you owe" philosophy being cast with too wide a net. Stevie Wonder has recently joined the ranks of celebrities who should remember that they're popular for their art, not their actual opinions. He recently lambasted Eminem for making fun of Michael Jackson. Which is fine, if his reasoning was that Michael was innocent until proven guilty, or that child molestation is not an appropriate topic for humor. But his reasoning was based on the idea that Eminem shouldn't have done it because he owes his popularity to black people, and Michael Jackson is black. First of all, that's an exceedingly stupid argument. That's like someone telling me that I shouldn't ever criticize white people (like that woman I hate who killed her baby a few posts down), because their creation of the English language is the reason I can sit on my ass typing this. Second of all, Michael Jackson is black?? When did this happen? Michael Jackson hasn't been black since the Thriller album. After that he became light beige, then cafe au lait, then ivory, until he hit the shade he's at now, which can only be described as stark, pasty, fluorescent white.

One of my dogs woke me up this morning by taking a nice, enormous crap on my kitchen floor. I seriously think that anyone who thinks that light travels faster than smell should buy a dog. But they'll always have a home with us, if only to scare away the thieves. And speaking of thieves, some guy in Thailand cut off the penises of the boys who he thought robbed him. And you thought Texas was tough on crime. This guy makes the prosecutors in Texas look like tree-hugging hippies.

Moving right along... oh. This one really strikes a chord. Apparently, dodgeball is banned in some states. What??? Dodgeball is more than a sport, it's a playground rite of passage. Nothing says childhood like being pelted in the face with a big red bouncy ball. Speaking of which, I haven't played dodgeball in almost two months. That makes me kind of sad. I must have all sorts of aggression building up, with nowhere to go. Let me see if one of my friends will volunteer to come over and let me pelt him or her with rubber balls. I'll invite them over under the illusion that they'll be getting dinner. Which they will... after.

Oh man, am I seguing like a pro right now or what.

Well that all ends right now. Because right now I have no segue into this next article which mentions that Michael Moore tops the list of least intriguing stars. The reason I have no segue, is because my previous paragraph didn't mention any annoying extremists who hate America, while stuffing big fat American cheeseburgers into his mouth, that he paid for with the big fat American dollars people paid him to see hours of his data-mined propaganda. No I'm not going to debate about this. I don't even like and support the extremists in my own party, why am I going to listen to extremists from any of the others.

And last but not least, Chris Rock was right once again. Was it in Bring the Pain that he said that fathers get nothing but the big piece of chicken? The British Council did a survey and found out that according to more than 40,000 people in 102 non-English-speaking countries, the word "mother" is the most beautiful in the English language. "Father" isn't even on the list. That's sad. Well in the household I grew up in, and the household I have now, "father" is right up there with "mother" in terms of people who rock. So here's the big piece of chicken! No wait, I want that. Geo can have the song named after him instead. I'm the food whore, I want the food.