Photos, Tea Masquerading As Coffee and A Stripper Story

Photos, Tea Masquerading As Coffee and A Stripper Story

This insanity has to stop. Or rather, insomnia. I guess it's not really insomnia if eventually I can go to sleep. It just takes a long, long while. And I can't stand just lying there hoping to fall asleep, my mind starts messing with me. But putzing around on the computer or reading keeps me awake even longer. What a stupidly vicious cycle.

So the photographer from the Jersey Journal came by today, he was really cool. It was kind of funny because he took a picture of me at the computer, and he wanted me to fill up the area a bit because I had cleaned it up and it was very sparse. So I tossed some books that were nearby and a coffee cup on there. But that's a complete and total lie. If it were a picture of what my computer desk REALLY looks like on an everyday basis, it would be a huge mess of pens, scraps of paper with notes scribbled on them, matches, anything in my purse I didn't need, candy wrappers courtesy of Geo and the bugs those same candy wrappers attract. Not a pretty picture. His idea was better.

We headed over to the grocery later and I picked up some coffee for Geo. If by "coffee" you really mean tea. He made the mistake last time of buying coffee grounds instead of instant, but we don't have a coffee maker. He tried to make some using MacGuyver techniques, but it came out disgusting. So this time he sent me to do what one would think is a relatively simple task. Not so. I thought I was buying General Foods International Instant Coffee but what I was buying was General Foods International Instant Tea. In my defense, yes I can read but I wasn't really trying to. I mean I didn't even know they made instant tea. Is the 20 seconds it takes a tea bag to work not instant enough or something?

Okay I'm not sleepy yet so I may as well go read my new Clive Cussler novel, Trojan Odyssey. I like his novels. Just as much adventure as Tom Clancy, but not as much, as my girl Lani's mom puts it, "fascism."

But before I go, yesterday was Tony's company Christmas party and knowing he went to it made me remember the first and last time I ever hung out with Tony's officemates... the story is not for the faint of heart (or stomach).

One night in November of 99, Tony called me up and asked if I want to go out with him and a bunch of guys from his work for our friend Rene's 21st birthday. I got off work kind of late so by the time Tony and I got to Dave and Buster's, Rene had already been drinking. A lot. But he didn't look drunk so of course we proceeded to drastically increase the amount and type of alcohol he was drinking, to the point where he even did a triple shot of tequila, with a shot of Jagermeister as a chaser.

By this point Rene was probably trashed, however he was still able to maintain an upright position and was still relatively coherent. We asked him where he wanted to go and he said he wanted to go to Lace, this strip joint down the road. We're in there about 15 minutes, when I notice Rene looks really bored, so I tell Tony someone should get the birthday boy a lap dance. This hot stripper we knew named Lauren came over but she sat down to chit chat with me and Tony, so some other stripper started giving Rene his lap dance. Last time I looked over she'd stripped down to her thong and was rubbing her breasts in his face. He looked like he was enjoying himself so I turned back around to continue talking to Lauren. All of a sudden I heard this gagging noise.

I look up to see the other stripper with this shocked expression on her face, COVERED in vomit. He fricken threw up ALL OVER HER, it was so nasty you wouldn't believe. And so she stands up, just covered in vomit, her hands are out like she has no idea what to do. She's got some dangling from her boobs like puke tassels, he's got some dangling from his mouth, and all of a sudden he leans over and just continues throwing up on the floor next to her feet. Oh my God... I almost threw up myself trying not to laugh, I was shaking so hard. It's messed up and all but if you saw one of your friends do that...come on now, wouldn't you laugh your ass off? Especially knowing that you could now make fun of him for the rest of your lives?? Like when I'm 80, I'm going to be able to say "Hey Rene, remember that time you threw up on the stripper?" Anyway, all the guys pooled their money and tipped her like $300 because they felt so bad, then just got Rene the hell out of the club. Tony and I stayed behind because, you know, we have no shame. Oddly enough, that stripper didn't go home, and Lace doesn't have any showers in the dressing room/bathroom. My ass would've been like, "PAYCE!!!!!!!!! I have to go boil my body and scrape off the top three layers of my skin with a sandblaster now."