24: Hour Five

24: Hour Five

1. Yay for Token Black Guy for deciding that Jack Bauer was the best point man in the field to coordinate Secretary Heller's rescue. In other news, the writers are really setting up Token Black Chick to be the new Sherry, but a thousand times worse. Sherry at least, only fucked with people when she needed something specific. This broad fucks with people just in case, some time in the future, she may need something. It also doesn't help TBC's onscreen image that she's the chick who cheated on Joey with Ross then dumped Ross for her ex Greg Kinnear. Slut.

2. Secretary Heller rocks, how many people can beg their daughters to choke them to death, just to rob the terrorists of their prize. And Audrey's not too shabby either, with her "Let's just break that gas pipe and die together Dad." Contrary to initial thoughts, Audrey so far is not the new Kim Bauer. You could have chained Kim Bauer to the gas pipe and she wouldn't have had the balls or brains to think of it.

3. I think Chloe let Jack's dependence on her go to her head. "You're a geek Edward" or whatever Fat Computer Guy's name is. I have no clue what Chloe has ever done that would make her think even for a second, that she could be an authority on coolness. She should just go home to her seven cats and stop making my television life hell.

4. The most important cancelled APB in the history of APBs and no one bothers to make sure the police officers in the area got it? I mean that area must have what, like seven police units? And they couldn't all be radioed personally?

5. The Driscoll's schizo daughter storyline is like the Sherry-killed-someone storyline of last season. No one understands the point and no one cares. Even the Kim-is-being-hunted-by-the-cops storyline of the season before was more interesting, because then you could sit there and yell things at the TV like "What are you holding that gun for if you're not going to use it you dumb broad!!"

6. Car Thief Terrorist Guy (okay that's two strikes) has to be the most unprepared fanatic ever. Isn't he supposed to have a cyanide caplet with him at all times or something? What if there was no truck in the oncoming lane available? What if the cops had caught him? Jack would have tortured him for information and then where would The Plan be.

7. Terrorist Papa needs to stop sniping at his son. He already looks like he's not that comfortable with The Plan. In my television world, the following scene would take place at 12:32 p.m.

Terrorist Papa: You know as well as I do that this was necessary to The Plan.
Terrorist Son: Screw the plan, I hate the plan.
Terrorist Mama: Son, don't talk to your father that way.
Terrorist Papa: I'm doing this for you.
Terrorist Son: But I like America!! I don't like the Middle East. There's too much sand, the food sucks and camels stink.
Terrorist Mama: That's enough young man!!! I will not allow you to talk about our homeland that way.
Terrorist Papa: America is the land of depraved immorality and it is up to us to teach them the ways of religious light.
Terrorist Son: Oh Christ just save it, I saw you downloading porn last night. I don't think there's much religious light, or light of any kind between Jenna Jamison's jugs.
Terrorist Papa: Silence you little infidel brat!!!!! We'll discuss this later. Now go bury your girlfriend.
Terrorist Son: No!!!!! YOU go bury her. I'm not burying her.
Terrorist Papa: Well I'm not burying her either.
Terrorist Mama: Fine. Once again, I have to go do the burying. Just once would it kill you guys to lift a shovel around here?

Afterards, TS would run to his room and slam the door and TP would go to the Hallmark store and look for a "Son, Sorry we ordered you to kill your girlfriend, then poisoned and shot her ourselves, then made you wrap her up in plastic" card. I think they have them in the Miscellaneous Cards section. They're popular with the mafia.