January 18, 2005

American Idol: Washington DC

America Idol: Washington Auditions

Okay this first chick is desecrating the Star-Spangled Banner. Isn't there a law against that or something.

Me: Why aren't they cutting her off?
Mike J: You can't cut off the national anthem.
Me: Even when someone is butchering it like that? Isn't it like burning the flag or something.
Mike J: I guess she's gonna finish.
Me: They should tell Simon to cut her off, he's a British citizen anyway.

I'm kind of feeling Mark McGrath. Not his looks, because he's kind of a pretty boy but his personality. The whole "My mom would like you so you're through to the next round" thing was cute.

Chick on TV: On a scale of one to ten, Mark McGrath would be a nine. And on my scale that's saying a lot.
Mike J: And he'd give you about a two.

Is this Melissa girl with all the silver jewelry retarded? I think she's a Special Ed chick and Simon is trashing her. After the audition, the little midget school bus is going to come pick her up and Simon is going to feel really bad. She's from Tom's River. Hey isn't that like the KKK capital of New Jersey? This is why you shouldn't have sex with your relatives people. I don't think she's horrible looking though, just overweight. Like a fat, inbred Charlize Theron.

Chick on TV: Not one of the judges said I could sing.
Mike J: You can sing, you just can't sing well.
Crying Girl on TV: If I couldn't express myself through music I'd probably die.
Me: Oh my God you people are so fucking dramatic. You don't need to win American Idol you need therapy.

"You kind of look like Milli and Vanilli." HAHAHAHAHA Oh my God that's the best line of the show. Did I mention I'm really feeling Mark McGrath?

Even though she was kind of desperate, I was pulling for the woman who pawned her weddings rings to get to the auditions. Her husband was like straight out of Deliverance though. Purple Headband Annie Guy is another EDP I think.

Mike J: This guy's from Hackensack?
Geo: Mike is asking because he's going to let the guy's house burn if it's ever on fire.

Okay for the ninetieth time, I am really feeling Mark McGrath. "This isn't very churchlike but you're really hot." And then she left and started cursing Simon out with words that would get her three Hail Marys and an Our Father for good measure. You have to admit, Simon's comment was pretty funny. "God does not want you to win this competition."

Chick on TV: My minister pulled me aside and said that my singing was a gift from the Lord.
Me: But that's because he was trying to get into your pants. "I've got this cream that will help your vocal chords."

Okay the next awful person is from West Milford, New Jersey. Jersey's not representing very well are we? I think half of the rejects have been from New Jersey, and none of the people waving yellow cards. Am I the only person who hates seeing the bad auditions? What a waste of time. I wish they would just make a separate reject show for viewers who want to see people humiliate themselves and a regular audition show for the viewers who want to watch people who can actually sing.

The chick that says she looks like Sharon Stone looks more like Ricki Lake. If Ricki Lake were on crack and trying to be goth. The mayor of Hackensack's son was pretty good. But none of tonight's auditions blew me away. I wonder why there were so many people from Jersey at the DC auditions. Didn't they have one in New York? They probably didn't advertise it in Jersey, those selfish New Yorkers. They're afraid we'll cut into their reject clip time.

Okay this blond chick at the end is again, the reason you shouldn't have sex with your relatives people. She's the same one Mike said was a two. I think after she sang Mike downgraded her into the negatives. But if she didn't sing for him, Mike would probably put her in the Brewery (if he were drunk enough it could be done) which isn't as bad as being put in the Nunnery (no chance on God's green earth) but isn't as good as being "Decent enough to bang."


Anonymous said...

Yeah #2 EDP is in the brewery but one filled with nuns on mopeds.

Mike J

Eileen Joy said...

You didn't mention Toni Braxton's "cousin".

I hope it get's better. A.I. is like a drug for me, I can't stop watching even though I know I shouldn't...

Riss said...

Actually I did have something on the Toni Braxton Cousin Guy but it was just yet more EDP shit. That guy is seriously deluded. What was up with the "I'm Too Sexy" garbage.