February 7, 2005

24: Hour Eight

24: Hour Eight

1. Due to the language barrier, some translations might be in order.

"You know you'll be taken care of" in Terrorspeak means "You'll be killed when you're no longer of any use or left in the building during whatever disaster strikes CTU this season."
"Division needs those projections, NOW" in Office Peonspeak means "Hi Token Black Chick, I'm here for your framing pleasure."

2. You go Terrorist Mama, tie your own tourniquet. I guess this is just one of those things they teach at TerrorParents Camp. Along with "How To Not Accidentally Bite Down On The Cyanide Pill Until Arrest Is Imminent" and "How To Look Nonchalant When There's 40 Lbs of C4 In Your Briefcase."

3. What was up with that lame ass public service announcement? Like any racist person is going to NOT be racist anymore because Keifer Sutherland says so. They should have done one last season too. "Please keep in mind that all Columbians are not drug lords and not all Columbians use 6-year-old boys as drug mules. Some are 7 or 8-year-olds." They should also do a PSA for Asian people. "We at Fox would just like to make sure that you viewers at home are aware that Asian people do in fact, exist. They're not at CTU, or in the FBI, or anywhere on the President's staff, or on any highways, or in any subway station, store, street corner, mall, restaurant, college campus or private residence but they do in fact exist."

4. "I could have him killed." Yes! Audrey is so not Kim Bauer.

5. Tony's getting ass already?? Oh well, Michelle left him so proper etiquette deems no mourning period necessary. She looks like a Poor Man's Uma Thurman. She's only been onscreen for 8 seconds and I'm already annoyed. What did she expect, that Jack and Audrey would go to an internet cafe and have some bubble tea while they surf the net for 12 dollars an hour?

6. Oh my God she really is annoying. Just get off the phone you stupid bitch. You can call your therapist after Jack and Tony get done saving the country. Audrey is thinking, hey Jack, you got another one of those knives like the one you gave me at the warehouse?

7. I like how Head Cunt Lady doesn't hear the "You have a mole" part of the sentence, she just hears that she was left out of Secretary Heller's plan. This has been another great CTU leadership moment, brought to you by Penis Envy Productions.

8. Is it me or was it disgustingly easy to frame that Office Peon Chick? CTU doesn't record their phone calls? There's no voice analysis contraption or anything? The only thing that would have been more lame was if Token Black Chick sat down at the chick's computer and "accidentally" sent an e-mail to the entire company "Dear Terrorists, Jack and Audrey are going to be on the corner of Lankershim and Magnolia at 3 p.m. to try and identify White Terrorist Guy. Signed, The Mole."

9. I love how under this new CTU regime, torture is the first option. But really, sometimes it seems not inappropriate as much as inefficient. Don't they have some sort of truth serum somewhere? And I love how that one agent's sole purpose at CTU is to torture people. I wonder how he phrases that on his resume. "Ability to deliver 750,000 volts to a suspect's neck while screaming 'Who do you work for' in 7 different languages."

10. I was hoping TBC would get caught by Token Black Guy shooting her in the each leg while she was trying to get away. Last season screaming "just cut off his arm" at the TV worked, but apparently screaming "Shoot her in the leg" does nothing.

11. Thank God Girly Banker Husband didn't make an appearance this episode. Or if he did, I was in the bathroom and didn't notice. Even though my bathroom has a 47-inch flat panel television and a bucket of beer.

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