24: Hour Fourteen

24: Hour Fourteen

First and foremost, OH MY GOD. I mean I knew it was coming but still, oh my God. Is nothing sacred. Spoilers ahead as usual.

Previously on 24:
CTU did a whole bunch of idiotic things. Some guy stole a stealth fighter like it was a pack of chewing gum. Jack was awesome as usual. Behrooz's day got infinitely worse.

1. I can't take Audrey anymore. She's just so lame. Every time she hesitates and acts as if any interaction or mention of Jack is insufferable I just want to reach into the screen and smack her head into the wall.

2. The missing hardrive thing cracked me up, apparently the terrorists have their moments of incompetency too. Not that it matters, because as of right now the score is like Terrorists: 487,614 CTU: 8.

3. Not that I needed reminding but the way Jack took that guy down with the knife while in the middle of a gunfight just reminded me of all the reasons why he's my favorite television chracter in the history of ever.

4. I now like Paul Raines and think that he's too good for Audrey. But of course, this only happened because he took a bullet meant for Jack. Otherwise I'd still be wanking off about how creepy and disgusting he is. I am especially impressed with how he didn't mention that Jack saved his life too, in order to ensure that although HE won't be able to tap Audrey, neither will Jack.

5. Michelle sucks big fat ass. Not flat ass. Not medium-sized ass. She sucks big fat ass. Don't be afraid to be off banging one of your co-workers while your husband is in jail, which he got put in because he saved your sorry life. The insult is especially compounded by the fact that Bill is boring and unattractive and has the sex appeal of toast. Going from Tony to him is like going from a BMW to a Le Car.

6. Chloe has got to be the most bizarre character in the history of the show. I vacillate between "Someone please punch her" and "Someone please hug her." Like when she told Edgar about his poor dead mother's body, she was so bitchy about it... but then a minute later she took a pretty significant fall for him, especially condsidering she's not a permanent employee and saved his job. She annoys me but she's intensely loyal to Jack so I will keep her on my List of People I Hope They Don't Kill Off.

7. That list by the way, is very short. Right now it just says "Jack, Tony, Paul kinda and Chloe kinda."

8. They set up the President for a horrible death or some other personal tragedy, because for once they tried to make him look human and likeable by introducing his son. The 24 writers love to do this, exactly 3 nanoseconds before a person dies, or gets maimed, or her daughter dies, or the woman-he-slept-with-but-didn't-know-he-still-loved dies. You knew it was coming, why else would Andersen need a stealth fighter. But that didn't mean I wasn't screaming "OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!" at the end of the show, and frantically searching for the phone so I could call Kwame.

9. They showed the scenes from next week and Air Force One is indeed down. Which kind of annoys me because I saw the movie and doesn't that plane have counter-measures of some sort, that weren't employed at all by the writers? I mean yes, I realize that Harrison Ford isn't really the president and that Gary Oldman isn't really a terrorist from Kazakhstan looking to free his imprisoned leader by all means necessary. But in movies, television and real life, people expect the plane that carries the most important man in the world around to have some sort of missile defense system. If I were President even my doghouse would a missile defense system. My son's skateboard would have a missile defense system. You get my point. But still, Oh my God. These 24 writers really have a pair of balls on them. Their balls have balls. The audacity of these people.

10. I apparently do not employ a utilitarian philosophy when it comes to television deaths. Because when they killed off hundreds of thousands of people by melting down a nuclear reactor I was like "Eh." But when they shot down the President's plane I was like "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!"