April 17, 2005



So I went to church today. Okay, take a few moments to stop snickering. Or outright laughing. It DOES happen from time to time you know, and no:

Lightning does not in fact, strike. Me or the innocent people near me.
I am not forcibly removed by the priest.
The sin detector does not go off when I walk through it, because I fold up my sins and stuff them into my wallet, which I then place into the basket before I walk through.

So now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

Anyway. I went to church and was very proud of myself for not thinking any truly bad thoughts. I did have a few borderline ones though. And of course a bunch of random ones:

1. My church has the most disgruntled priest in the history of religious employment. I mean he really looks and acts like he hates his job. I wonder if he sits there during sermons and thinks "I gave up ass for this." He's lucky they don't ask parishioners to write evals. Under "Has a positive attitude towards work and the company" I would give him a "Does not meet expectations."

2. Is it wrong to fart in church? Okay probably not. But is it wrong to fart in church, then blame it on the person in front of you by leaning back slightly with a disgusted look on your face? Just uh, wondering. Hypothetically. Heh.

3. I am so uncomfortable during the singing of the church hymns, because the choir is trying to be so joyous and celebratory and the parishioners stay somber. I mean the choir even busted out an electric guitar for God's sake, and the first few bars of "Stairway to Heaven." Just kidding. Not about the guitar part but about the Stairway part. Although that would have been amusing. I tried to give them a few sympath sways but it just seemed to make the whole thing even more pathetic.

4. I think being able to sing on-key should be a requirement for all church choirs. I mean I know God loves all beings equally and all that jazz, but I can't think that he appreciates people who have horrible voices praising Him. In fact, I think if you were to travel back in time and observe Moses on the mountain, you may just find out that the lesser known ELEVENTH commandment was "Thou shalt praise me in song... on key."

5. The person behind me was easily the most enthusiastic person there, the priest even cracked a semblance of a smile at him on his way down the aisle. So I felt bad for noticing that he had the worst breath ever. Mary and Martha thought they had it bad when they opened Lazarus' tomb but they really didn't. Not compared to the smells emanating from this guy's mouth. I was alternating between gagging and trying to figure out what he had for breakfast. My guess was rotten quail eggs and pickled raw eels. Oh and Funyuns. But that was just a guess.

6. Whenever I take Communion, after I place the wafer in my mouth I always just let it dissolve. I literally just freeze my mouth and let it dissolve. It just doesn't seem right to crunch on the metaphorical "body of Christ." Then again it doesn't make sense to eat it either which is what we Catholics do so, oh well.

7. Some day, some where, I am going to attend church in a place where when the priest says to wish your fellow parishioners peace, the people actually mean it. At my church, they just turn to you and say "peshmw bw wimphsh ye" which means "Peace be with you, I guess."

8. The priest asked us to pray for the cardinal conclave as they vote on the new leader of our church. Right as he said that, I realized I was familiar with the procedure and who the "Carmelengo" is because... I read Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. Which is so gay!! I mean I'm relatively educated about the Bible and religious history, as well as the history of certain art pieces at the Vatican City. But I didn't know much about their operations and the religious hierarchy. Now however, I know some of it, thanks to a cheesy novel.

9. The priest also asked us to pray for Israel and "Palestine" at which point I raised my hand and told him there was no such place, and how could he in good conscience ask his loyal parishioners to waste valuable prayers on a place that didn't exist? Just kidding, I didn't. But I would have been tempted to if they actually took questions during mass. And damned if I'm going to waste my valuable prayers on people who strap bombs onto themselves and walk into dance clubs and malls, and the people who cheer them on. Those motherfuckers can just rot in hell.

10. Ahhh... don't you just love religion?

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