May 4, 2005



1. I can't believe this dumbass is still willing to marry this broad. He's obviously not the brightest guy in the world so I guess it's fitting that he be married to such a basket case. I thnk the type of woman that fakes a kidnapping and runs away, regardless of the consequences, is also the same type that smothers a newborn because she can't handle the crying.

2. So 8zero8's blog is offline now because a co-worker ratted him out. I'm assuming since the person who apprised people of the situation made a point of letting us know the rat was female, that 8zero8 got in trouble for the rather politically incorrect nature of his blog. Which makes me wish I could e-mail the snitch and tell her that her attitude is the reason she doesn't have a man. Or the reason that she has a man, but he's a big pussy who dreams about Brad Pitt at night.

3. According to Indygirl,Jennifer Lopez wants to be president. I think her first order of business would be to somehow get the title "President" changed to Queen. Her next order of business would be to somehow get her picture on the U.S. flag and somehow get Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner deported. Her first law would be a Constitutional Amendment banning all words longer than five letters or containing more than two syllables.

4. I'm fucking sore. No, not sore from fucking. Tony and I played tennis for 3 hours yesterday and combined with all the walking on Sunday, my body feels like it's been hit by a train. I think my body is pretty pissed off at me too. "Who the fuck do you think you are, Wonder Woman? Sit back on that couch and eat a fucking cheeseburger like you're supposed to."

5. Kwame says my mutant power is the ability to digest random food. I would dispute that, except that it's midnight and I just ate a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips, pita bread with spinach dip, a Toblerone, porridge and 5 chicken nuggets.

6. I know I'm so gay but I still watch a little American Idol. Thankfully they finally kicked off the big guy tonight, his eyes have been bugging me since the auditions. He reminds me of those random weirdos that talk to you on the subway or at the grocery or something and you're nice to them because you can't tell if they're mentally retarded or not.

7. Last night I had a dream that my current nose pierce infection led to a quarter-sized hole through which my brain and intestines were coming out. Yes, I realize that biologically that doesn't make complete sense but it's not like my dreams are proofed for accuracy. So all this gray slimy crap was coming out and I kept trying to stuff it back in. Then my skin started coming off in huge patches that were as thick as a grapefruit peel and I had to grab them and get them sewn back on. It was really disgusting and unfortunately felt realistic, despite how ludicrous it all was. I woke up clutching my nose which probably isn't going to help matters. Incidentally, am I supposed to be avoiding liquor since I'm on antibiotics. It doesn't say anything on the bottle. Oh well, too late now.

8. The People Magazine 50 Most Beautiful List is out and I just have a few thoughts...

-Kwam and I are both annoyed that Sandra Oh is one of the two token Asian chicks on the list. I mean come on. Even to people of her own race that broad is ugly as hell. Every single one of my female friends is hotter than her.

-I'm glad she's okay and all that but why do they pick random people like Elizabeth Smart (the chick that was kidnapped by the Jesus freak) to put on the list?

-Patrick Dempsey made the list, which I wholeheartedly agree with. However, that officially makes him ineligible to be a "What The."

-I realize they always put the usual suspects on the list (Julia Roberts, Jennifer Aniston, Johnny Depp) and then whoever is currently making headlines or is on a new hit show. But Martha Stewart?? Parole or not she looks like a man in drag. Who makes centerpieces out of pinecones and Dixie cups.

-If the makers of this list are going to be politically correct and add their tokens, they should at least add attractive tokens. I'm sorry but no one is at home right now, masturbating to pictures of Jamie Foxx. Even his wife dreams about Taye Diggs.

-Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton and Hilary Duff are all cute but should never be on any list measuring attractiveness that includes people who look like Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie. I mean come on. We all have eyes.

-Instead of Sandra Oh, their other token Asian should have been that Japanese guy from House of Flying Daggers. I was "eh" about him at first but was really feeling him by the end of the movie. In fact, everyone go watch that movie. It was well worth the price of the DVD, which is rare. I liked it more than Hero and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon which is saying a lot.

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