Stuff

Stuff
(I wonder how many posts I've had through the years with this one word as the title.)

1. I just walked barefoot through the kitchen and accidentally stepped on some random grape. It felt really gross. Like a cold little eyeball. Tasted good though. Hey, the 3-second-rule doesn't apply in your own house right? Just kidding. Eeew.

2. Ever since I quit smoking I've been fiending for coffee. How's that, instead of losing a vice I want to trade it in for another. Maybe it's just the bargain shopper in me. I naturally balk at the idea of losing something without gaining anything in return. Luckily, it's not a craving I find difficult to suppress. Unlike my constant craving for Indian food or taquitos or country-fried steak with southern-style gravy. I'm a pregnant person without the pregnancy.

3. Word verification is everywhere. I just had to type in odfjfyskj to save this post as a draft. I also have to type in ryhsdfnds if I want to send an e-mail to more than 5 people. Fricken spammers. All this eoitjerfgm is making my head hurt. Letters in random order make my head hurt. Who wants to look at this ojnfdjkgh fyslqkzmw pdtmqoxrf mwbsqykl over and over.

4. I forgot to ask Jesus something the last time I saw Him at Dunkin Donuts. Why do ultra-religious people consider cursing to be against God? I mean I understand why you're not supposed to say shit like "goddamn" or "Jesus fucking Christ." But what's so wrong with a person saying "It smells like shit in here" or "She's such a fucking bitch?" As long as, you know, you're not saying it in church. To a priest.

5. Been watching this World Series game since the 7th inning and it's in the fucking 14th inning. How can a sport be so boring and yet so exciting at the same time. I'm not even a big baseball fan and I'm glued to the set. 9 walks for the Astros (who I'm rooting for because of Andy Pettitte) and no runs. It's annoying and yet enthralling..... FUCK. Okay, that's what I get for bitching. Oh well. If a team can't capitalize on that then they don't deserve to win the World Series.

6. This is the funniest fucking thing I've read all week. Guess what, Sheryl Swoopes is gay. Also in the news, grass is green. Rain is wet. Snow is cold. The sky is blue, except over Los Angeles where it is this murky brownish yellow. I love it when gay people say the break-up of their marriages has nothing to do with their sexual orientation. What, you don't think the fact that you don't really want to have sex with your husband or wife will ever affect your marriage? Sex is an important part of marriage. It's the reason why even after you get married, you should still work out, bathe regularly, shave your legs, take your wife out on dates and dress up every so often.

I laugh when people say they should love each other unconditionally forevermore. If Geo gains 200 lbs from eating Big Macs like they're pretzels and stops bathing so that random cheese starts appearing in various pockets of his body guess what... I'm out. Payce! Don't let the door hit my ass on the way out. I can handle up to 60 or so extra lbs. Maybe more as long as he bathes. I think that's reasonable considering he's not popping out any children. But it goes both ways I assume. If I gain 200 lbs, have leg and armpit hair long enough to braid and my greasy ass head leaves stains on the pillow, then he has my permission to bounce and find himself someone cleaner. Actually, I am in more danger from my theory than he is. Geo has the metabolism of a hyperactive 8-year-old on a sugar high. And this theory doesn't take into account random medical conditions, just laziness. "I don't have time to work out." Right. I used to work over 100 hours a week, plus a 2-hour commute every day. Even I had 2 hours a week to work out, not that I ever did. It was either work out or go drinking and after my work week you know which one I chose.

7. I got an e-mail from Kwam the other day with the subject "Your Christmas Present." In it was a link to this. Is it me or is that just wrong? I don't want that in my house. If Kwam gets me that I am going to re-gift it to one of my guy friends. They can make homemade pron videos from hell with it. If their ladies are willing. I know if a guy came at me with that I'd be like "You're looking for a blowjob but what you'll be getting is a kick in the ass or three."

8. Which actually brings to mind more college stories. As many of you know, UC Santa Cruz is or was a clothing optional campus. Don't get too excited, no one attractive ever took advantage of it. What most of you may not know is that it is comprised of a bunch of colleges, each with its own theme. Like Kresge College is where all the hippies were. And Stevenson was where all the country club people were. I was at Oakes College, which was nicknamed (by the Oakes students) "The Ghetto" since it was predominantly black/Mexican/Asian while the other colleges were predominantly white. The preceptor of my dorm (adult supervisor) was also the proctor (security guard) at Porter College, which was the artsy college and had a reputation for being very bizarre and sexually free. He told me that one night on Halloween, he was doing the rounds when he came to an open door. Two beds were pushed together in the middle of the room, with white bed sheets flowing from the ceiling. In the middle of the beds were like 10 people having sex, all naked except for masks. The "head" guy (hee) was wearing a mask that extended above his head, comprised of a tree trunk with real branches and leaves. It's been over 10 years since I heard that story and the imagery is still implanted in my mind. Crazy ass people.