At The Movies

At The Movies

Geo got out of work early, because he had to drop someone off at the airport. Naturally, I pounced on the opportunity to go to a matinee showing of Harry Potter 4, because I'm cheap and think theatres have balls the size of New Jersey to be charging $9.50 per ticket.

For people who are dorks and watched the movie on opening day too (cough cough) click here for my list of initial thoughts. At least I can say I'm in the upper bracket of the lower echelon of cool. I attended an afternoon show, not the 12:05 a.m. showing. Though I'm a poser because I would have gone, but Geo vetoed the idea. Something about "having work the next day." Whatever that is. For the normal people, carry on. I think it's leftover angst from spending half an hour in line at the grocery, but I'm in the mood to be a hater. So I'll take a page from Nolff's book and write some open letters.

Open Letter to Heavy Perfume Chick Two Seats Away:

Dear Stinky,
I feel it incumbent upon me to inform you that you are not following the instructions located on the box your perfume came in. The instructions are as follows, "Squirt once into air and walk through hazy aura of perfume." Or, that's what the instructions would say were most people abusing the product the way you do. Perfume is concentrated for a reason. It is not necessary to marinate yourself in it when one or two squirts will suffice. Or spray yourself over and over again, like it's insect repellent and you just walked into a swarm of hungry mosquitos. I assume your intention was to smell nice. You failed. And ruined my previews, until my nose eventually became numb and therefore immune to your stench.

Open Letter to Stupid Cell Phone Chick Two Seats Away:
(Who is also, coincidentally, the same fricken person)

Dear Chatty,
Forgetting to turn your cell phone off was a forgivable breach of etiquette. Nobody's perfect. Actually taking the call and chit-chatting for a few minutes, was not. It obviously wasn't important, because you stayed to watch the rest of the movie. At 3 p.m. on a weekday.

Open Letter to Bad Body Odor Guy:

Dear Stinky Version 2.0,
There are few things in life that can actually be achieved by all who wish to accomplish it. Bathing is one of them. Seize those blessed opportunities and rejoice in the fact that we in America have running water!! In public facilities even! If you can afford to watch a movie in a theatre you can afford soap. Not to mention that your lack of proper hygiene carries over to others. If you don't smell good, they don't smell good.

Open Letter to the Movie Theatre Industry:

Dear Greedy Ass Slimeballs,
Commercials at movie theatres SUCK. I paid 9 fricken dollars and 50 cents for this fricken movie ticket. I shouldn't have to sit through these. It's not like network television, which is free, so they rely on advertisers to make money. Or even basic cable channels, which don't get that premium fee profit HBO gets. You're a movie theatre industry, didn't you watch Seven? No good can come of such blatant greed. Other than of course, the money you must be making off the damn things.

Open Letter to the Guy Who Won The Coca-Cola Film Award:

Dear Person Whose Film Must Have Been The Only Entry In The Competition,
Your "short film" sucked so bad I would have hurled my can of Coke at the screen, if it hadn't cost me ten dollars.

Open Letter to Our Car:

Dear Glad-You-Don't-Have-Honda-Parts,
Thank you so much for not getting stolen, even though we left you alone for 3 hours, with Jersey City (the chop shop capital of the world) and Newark (the stripped car dumping capital of the world) only a few miles away. In return, we promise to wash you more frequently than every five months. Or at least try for once a season.