The Usual Stuff

The Usual Stuff

1. I was at the house of that woman down the street, the one whose tenant tried to beat her ass. Naturally, she kicked her out. Somehow I don't think "Agrees to physically attack the landlord whenever she's angry" is on the lease. She showed me the apartment the tenant was renting, and the chick trashed the place before she left. Wrote on the walls, the mattress, cut the refrigerator wires. Even left used toilet paper in the bowl without flushing. Classy.

2. Admittedly, I'm not a fan of cats and I have been known to entertain thoughts of kicking them. Chill people, thinking about it and doing it are two completely different things. And I'm talking about these big ass stray cats that roam Jersey City at night. They shouldn't even be counted as cats, considering they feed off crack and crunch vials like peanuts. So a judge ordered a woman to spend the night in the woods without food or light, for abandoning 33 kittens in the woods. What kind of person dumps kittens off to die. If I lived in her city I'd go to the woods on the night of her punishment, hide in a bush and whisper her name every half hour or so.

3. Some guy made a bobblehead of that God Warrior woman, made notorious by Trading Spouses. I admit, I watched it in horrified fascination, wrapped up in a cocoon of Catholic shame. Although, I'm not certain I get to call myself Catholic after the whole well, "my life" thing. I figure though that in the grand scheme of things we're graded on a curve and though I'm divorced and sometimes obscene, I haven't killed anyone. My point is, $810 for that thing? Why the hell didn't I think of that? Not that I could actually sculpt anything out of clay other than an ashtray.

4. Originally the best thing to come out of Sweden was Stefan Edberg, but the new cartoon characters Pee and Poo just might top him. Next year they'll introduce three new characters, Sperm and Vomit with their hot cousin Period.

5. Wouldn't be nice if people you met in real life came with resumes? Picture this... you're standing at a party when a guy asks for your number. You smile and let him know that at 30, you're not an entry-level position, so can you please see his resume. He hands it over and the top line reads "Thinks strip clubs and Playboy are degrading to women, though it's their right to do whatever they want with their bodies and the government shouldn't interfere with their right to privacy." Kiss ass. You hand him back his paper and respectfully decline. No mess, no hassle.

Or better yet, you're at the grocery and you notice some guy has been following you for awhile. He finally makes his move and thinking he's a creepy stalker, you demand to see his resume. Then realize he sells vacuums for a living and as a soccer mom clutching coupons, you're his target demographic.

OR, you're at Gymboree and another woman strikes up a conversation. Her kids look clean and presentable and she's not twitching from overt drug usage. But still, something's off. You exchange resumes and see on hers that she still showers with all her kids, including the oldest who is 17. You exclaim "Oh my God, I think I left my crockpot on" grab your kids and run.