Sperm, Blogs, Death and Ebay

Sperm, Blogs, Death and Ebay

1. My friend Nik passed around what may be the most valuable link of the holiday season. Some people may be having difficulty finding appropriate Christmas presents for their girlfriends, wives, mistresses, friends, whatever. What do you get the woman who has everything? The Sperm Necklace. Nothing says "You're special" like a pendant engraved with sperm. Seriously, I want one of these. And no "I'll give you a sperm necklace" comments please, it would offend me. Not the subject matter, but the obviousness of the joke. Obvious jokes are highly offensive.

2. I've been blogsurfing lately, to avoid productivity. People really take blogging seriously. "My blog is better because I talk about serious topics." "My blog is better because it's funny." "My blog is better because it's not a mommy blog." "My blog is better because I don't use 'memes.'" Blah blah blah. Dude. They're blogs. Who fucking cares. I'm a hypocrite though because I've read some blogs and thought "I could be folding laundry right now."

Wouldn't it be fun if they handed out Blogging Licenses? Like you had to apply for them at Blogger/Google headquarters. "Welcome people, you have 10 minutes to write a post on... Venetian blinds versus drapes. Start!" Anyone who can make that interesting deserves their Blogging License. By the way... what's boring to one person might not be boring to the next. Like when someone cries on their blog about how someone had the "audacity" to diss Led Zeppelin, I laugh my ass off.

3. I haven't written any football odes in awhile. I'm feeling inspired.

Ode to Jay Feely
The game was close and the pressure lay
Upon thine shoulders to lead the way
To victory, the team waited with breath held
For thee and thine foot to save the day.

The kick sailed wide, but still they believed.
Possessions in overtime could well be achieved.
Yet two more failures and the light was dimmed,
The Giants left Seattle, stunned and bereaved.

4. Speaking of bereaved, is it disgusting or sweet that some guy spread his mom's ashes all over the Eagles' field? One part of me is going "Eeeew, people get thrown face down on that field" while the other part is going "Awww, what a nice son." But surely, there had to have been a more hygienic way to deal with his grief.

5. Oh and... Can we pour one for Pat Morita? You know you all loved Mr. Miyagi. And I for one, am sad that one of the three Asian-American actors out there is gone. Now all we have left are Lucy Liu and Sandra Oh (as long as she doesn't get kicked off Grey's Anatomy). We really should have fought harder for the rights to Tiger Woods in the racial draft. He's more ethnically Asian than anything else but black people planted their flag first. Smart. But that's a whole different post, today it's about Mr. Miyagi and how sad we are that he's gone.

6. Since I can't seem to get off the subject of death, let me just say that I've been walking gingerly around my house like it was filled with land mines. We finally had to resort to rodent poison in our struggle to exterminate prolific mice. My sympathy for them, which once led me to pry a live one from a glue trap with a fork, is completely gone. The poison is working but it's impossible to plan where their dead little carcasses end up. I want to be the person who finds them because better me than my kids, who will probably throw them at each other. But I also don't want to be the person who finds them, because then I'd actually have to pick them up. My point is I hope Geo finds them. Fucking mice. Incidentally, PETA activists (Kaan) who are reading this should be screaming up bloody murder right now. It's worse than animal testing. We are killing mice for no reason. They have as much a right to exist as any of us and we are robbing them of that right. Shame on us.

7. And speaking of killing, some woman got tired of picking up after her family and is E-baying all the stuff they leave around the house in one week. Who wants to be a fly on the wall when her family finds out what she's done? She says she's going to videotape their reactions. If the tape doesn't have to be entered into evidence at her murder trial, I hope someone posts it on the internet.