14 Things I Learned This Weekend

14 Things I Learned This Weekend

But first and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Janelle!!! I owe you a morning facedown in the toilet bowl, and the night that precedes it.

So on to my list of things I learned:

1. Shoveling snow for hours straight is only painful for the first twenty minutes. For the next three hours of shoveling, your arms are completely numb.

2. For something that resembles a pile of marshmallows, snow is pretty damn heavy. Especially when you're filling a trash can up with it, then dragging the can 15 yards, 20 times. Okay this wasn't anything new but I just wanted to reiterate how much it sucked.

3. I'm going to stop giving a crap about how my old friends are doing, so I can resist the temptation to click the link when they IM me "vacation photos." Perhaps then crappy computer viruses that result in 75 jillion pop-ups can be avoided. Then again, that's what I get for sitting at my computer drunk.

4. The Chronicles of Narnia was a good movie. Some movie critics disliked it because there were Christian themes in the movie but they probably should have done a little research. C.S. Lewis devoted his life to writing about Christianity. Criticizing The Chronicles of Narnia for having Christian themes is like saying a book written by Patricia Ireland has too many feminist ideas.

5. Min throws a damn good holiday party filled with awesome food and a stupid amount of liquor.

6. Girls can get away with liberal drunken groping. Guys can't. Although "Yes I'm married and he will whoop your fucking ass, if I don't first" works as a solid deterrent.

7. People don't like it when you use their brand-spankin-new vibrating "toy" as a karaoke microphone. Or baseball bat. Or a sword. They also don't appreciate it when you threaten to show pictures of them posing with said toy to their father, who happens to be in the hallway.

8. Straight men don't appreciate it when you randomly start beating them with a vibrator. Even a clean, fresh-out-of-the-package one.

9. Sometimes the microphone should be pried from my drunken fingers. Note to self: Just because a person can hit some high notes doesn't necessarily mean they should.

10. Reading a book when you're drunk is like trying to watch a silent movie upside down.

11. The ill effects of shots of Cuervo, Southern Comfort, Absolut, Johnny Black Label, generic Peach Schnapp's, glasses of sangria and wine can be negated by two fried egg sandwiches. And Taco Bell.

12. That offer M.A.C. has of one free lipstick for every 6 used cases you bring in really works. Which warms my thrifty heart. Back when I was single I used to think nothing of paying $13 for a lipstick. Now, the idea of it is a bit nauseating. When it comes to make-up I have BMW tastes on a bus pass budget.

13. It's not just boring to watch the Raiders play the Jets, it's painful. But I'm used to the pain.

14. Never talk smack about the players on your favorite team. They can always get injured and be replaced by people even crappier. Not like it matters, since Kerry Collins won't be in Oakland next year.