Things About My Friends: Part 5

Things About My Friends: Part Five
Parts 1-5

Last week Abel was at the library, talking to some hot girl. All of a sudden he checked his watch, said "I gotta go, Lost is on" AND BOUNCED. Abel is my hero. He doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks, he's leaving a hot girl behind to go home and watch Lost. Of course, then he got home and it was a repeat.

Kwame hit me up the other day for birth control advice. I'm like dude, Geo and I have twins. Do I look like the right person to be asking about birth control. Perhaps we should also go ask Martha Stewart how to pick which stocks to buy.

Every time we go into a bar, Mike immediately identifies the local barslut, then proceeds to give a running play-by-play of her actions. "There she is right now, with one of her Barslut Apprentices." "Oh look, she hooked Flannel Guy... Run Flannel Guy!! Run while you still can!!!"

But let me clue you guys in on a little secret. Mike once drunkenly made out with a barslut. Methinks the gentleman doth protest overmuch.

Min came over a couple of weeks ago and she brought Indian food. After we stuffed ourselves full, we plopped down on the couch and had sex. Just kidding. Who fricken has sex right after they eat for God's sake, didn't your mom tell you to wait 45 minutes. Anyway, we plopped down on the couch and watched Dancing With The Stars. I guess I'm old because it was the perfect way to spend a Thursday evening.

Lani is at war with a manager at her local Barnes and Noble. Although customers are allowed to use the outlets for their computers, she specifically has a problem with Lani doing it. The woman doesn't harrass anyone else, even if they're using outlets themselves, just Lani. The other day she came into the store and the woman had taped over the outlet with a sign that said "DO NOT USE!!" She should confront the woman, and naturally the insults have to match the environment. Like... "Who folded the pages on your first edition print of Ivanhoe?" Or maybe "You're acting like Amy in Little Women. She was quite the petty, selfish cockblocker as well."

Last Saturday we were hanging out with some of Tony's friends and they were being secretive about what they were viewing on a laptop. I got up to take a peek and they freaked out and closed it, saying "You can't look at this, you're a girl so it would offend you." They don't know me so I said "Alright, but nothing really offends me." I look at Tony because he reads my blog regularly, and say "Right?" He peeks at the laptop, then agrees with them that it would offend me. Which caught my curiousity because I've seen gay pron, 10-on-1 pron, anal pron, midget pron, horse pron, poop pron, chicken pron, vomit pron and never been bothered. I wracked my brain trying to figure out what it was they must have been looking at, for even Tony to think I would be disgusted, and all I can come up with is that the only type of pron that would ever offend me is child pron. So uh yeah.

10:00 p.m. edit: Tony says it wasn't child pron (as if I really thought it was) it was gay pron. No clue why he thinks I would be bothered by gay pron. I heart gay pron! Also, Tony is laying incapacitated on the floor. At first he told us all he "popped" his back like he lifted a box incorrectly. But we started pushing him for real answers once we saw the enormous bruises. It's actually a sex injury from a rough evening involving stiletto heels. Tony is into S&M.