Aussie Invasion

Aussie Invasion

For Steve's 30th birthday, some of his closest friends (Ray, Paul, Loni, Rhandy and Maria) flew in for the weekend, most directly from Australia. For people who are geography knowledge-challenged, Australia is really, really, really fricken far from New York. You're on a plane for over a day, and then some. So his friends pretty much spent the exact same time traveling as they did in New York. Naturally, we made an effort to hang out as much as possible. By the way, would any of you guys do that for me, fly for 50 jillion hours to spend my birthday with me? No? Fuck you then. Ass monkeys.

On Friday night I went out to dinner with some girlfriends, and by girlfriends I mean girl friends, not chicks whose carpet I munch on occasion. Afterwards, I dragged them into the city to go meet up with the Aussie posse. Heh. Sorry, I'm delirious. And also, Steve is right now reading this and reminding me that the correct pronunciation has the "zed sound as in ozzy." Mkay. Paul thinks the Australian accent isn't that great but me and the rest of the Americans in our party begged to differ. Those accents are pretty damn hot. We keep the expatriate Steve around for a reason.

We met up at some joint in midtown by Steve's pad, and the bartender was the drunkest person in the bar. He hit on every female there, punctuating every sleazy remark with "Don't worry, I'm 47 and my sex life is over." Charming, actually. Okay not really. I spent a lot of the time hiding. As has been the case with each and every time Ray is in town, I stuck to our pre-approved gameplan of drinking waaaaay too much on their first night in, and peaking early in the visit. Many of the Aussies did as well. Consequently, more liquor was drunk that first night by less people, than the entire weekend's activities combined.

On Saturday night, we went the Bowlmore Lanes in the village, which was like a weird cross between a club and a bowling alley. I've never seen so many young, scantily-clad white chicks bowling. Suddenly, male interest in my post has perked up. Bowlmor Lanes people, on University Place and 12th. Despite a deep hatred for bowling, I liked the place because they played old school hip-hop all night. That pretty much sells anyplace for me.

After the alleged bowling alley, we hit up Chelsea Grill for some karaoke. This time around though there was no "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Which is sad. I can't believe I didn't think of it. We were entertained by Ray and Maria though, who both have amazing voices. Maria sang a Janet Jackson song and a few black girls looked her up and down when she stepped to the mic, like who does this girl think she is. But after Maria sang her first line they were like "Oh shit!!!" Exactly.

On Sunday, about 20 of us met at the Comic Strip Live for Steve's actual birthday party. Though a few of us had an inkling, we were still pleasantly surprised when Steve himself took the stage as one of the comics. His act was really funny. I love that guy. And I have to give props to him, especially considering it's a hobby versus a career, it takes balls of steel to get up on stage and do stand-up comedy. Huge, boulder-like cojones.

I just flew in from Australia and boy are my arms tired.

The host and first comedians were all good, but towards the end of the line-up the talent started waning and I got hungry. You all know by now how that works out. I tried to hide behind Loni and get a couple of winks in during one of the more boring "regular" comedians (Bush jokes are pretty old by now, especially when you're ripping off Jon Stewart) but Geo tapped me awake. Spoilsport. It was a bit weird though, because some of the comedians were a bit serious. One of the comedians asked me what the secret was to maintaining your energy as a parent and I replied "Crystal Meth" and she looked at me as if I was serious. Um, okay. If I were going to be admitting to some type of drug addiction, that wouldn't be the forum I would do it in. One thing that was funny though was that she also asked me if Geo was one of those lazy fathers and I said most twin fathers have to be hands-on. You just have to go "hold this, bitch." But then I realized later on that it came out as "Hold this bitch." HAHAHAHA. Oh fuck I think she was going to call children services on me after the show. It's rare that two-year-olds are bitches though. Except this one kid down the street who always rides her tricycle by our house like she's all that.

The comedian who was ripping off Jon Stewart started going on about some tribute he was making to Bono. Tired, annoyed and hungry I said sarcastically to myself "Why, is he dead." Except that as usual, I didn't say it to myself the way I planned and by the time my comment reached the comedian like some ridiculous game of telephone, he thought I was seriously asking if Bono was dead. Idiot. Yeah, I get my news from crappy comedians. What? There were no weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq? New Orleans got hit by a bad hurricane?

Luckily, the line-up was saved by some guy who we thought may be retarded but it was part of his schtick. You all know how immature me and my friends are. Of course we're going to approve of the guy who pretends to be a retarded guy hitting on some girl, and asking her under his breath if he can jizz on her face. This guy had us rolling, I almost needed CPR but the guy probably would have jizzed on me after and not called the next day. Never a good experience.

All in all it was an awesome weekend. I'm really tired. But I hope they come back soon. Or better yet, pull a Steve and move to New York.

I don't know why, but a lot of us were scrunching
over in this picture. Like we're so tall.