June 9, 2006

More Marital Conversations

More Marital Conversations

But first, it took me forever to post this. Blogger's server issues have really gotten worse in the past month. And before people start babbling on about "free sites" let me just say that I've been with Blogger so long, that I got swindled into paying for Blogger Pro to have "better servers" for my blog. So if anyone has any ideas on where to move 900 archived posts to, let me know. Although it must be said that the reason I'm still with Blogger is that I'm an html idiot.

And on to our regularly scheduled program. It's been awhile since I posted up some marital conversations so...

(In the car)

Me (as we're driving by a graveyard so you know I'm not naturally this morbid): You know those husband and wives who buy dual burial plots in advance, what happens if one dies and the other remarries?
Geo: What do you mean?
Me: Well, the next spouse may have an issue with it. Like say we had one of those and I got hit by a car tomorrow. You wouldn't still get buried there.
Geo: Why not?
Me: Well your next wife may have a problem with it.
Geo: I wouldn't get married again.
Me: What? Of course you would. You're fricken 32 years old.
Geo: Nope, I wouldn't.
Me: Well you should. You don't want to spend the next 35 years alone do you? That's ridiculous.
Geo: Nope, wouldn't get married again.
Me: So you'd just bang random chicks but not get married again?
Geo: Yeap. One marriage was enough.
Me (laughing): You asshole, I thought you were trying to be sweet but you're being an asshole!
Geo (laughing): No I'm just kidding, I was being sweet. I wouldn't get married again.
Me: Well I wouldn't haunt you if you did. Unless she was mean to our kids. Then I'd go all poltergeisty on her for being a witch and you for letting her into our house. Our kids would need a nice mom, they've already had a witch.

(At the grocery)

Geo: Who is this cereal for, us or the girls?
Me: It's for them.
Geo: So we can't have any?
Me (joking): No.
Geo: You're mean. I want a divorce.
Me: Okay. It's good you're divorcing me for a good reason instead of a stupid one like infidelity.
Geo: What's that?
Me: When you cheat on someone.
Geo: No I said "Why is that?"
Me: Why is that what?
Geo: Why is that wrong?
Me: You ass.
Geo (laughing): No wonder I got in trouble so much in my other relationships.
Me: I want a divorce.
Geo: I'm already getting one.
Me: Oh yeah, for "deprivation of breakfast cereal."
Geo: Yup.
Me: That may fall under "irreconcilable differences" though.

I'm just kidding about the divorce thing. I can't handle the stress of another divorce. So Geo and I have agreed that whoever wants to leave has to go on a picnic first. At the edge of a cliff. On a windy day.

(Just kidding, don't forward this to the FBI okay. They are already monitoring me because my brother's girlfriend's friend's cousin's next door neighbor's wife is Muslim. Fricken terrorist. Actually I'm kidding about that too. I probably wouldn't have a problem with being monitored, but they might get bored because of that whole I'm-not-a-criminal thing. I bet my spicy mid-day phone sex calls to Geo would make for fun water cooler talk at headquarters.

Also, if I knew the FBI was listening I'd get all cryptic.

Me: So... you picked up the package right.
Geo: Affirmative.
Me: And are the contents to my specifications?
Geo: Yes, "hazelnut-flavored" and "extra whipped cream."
Me: Good work. I'll be waiting at our usual meeting point of the living room.)

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