August 24, 2006

Polar Bear Penises Are Shrinking

"Extra Extra Read All About It! Polar Bear Penises Are Shrinking!!

1. Skeptics of global warming often point to a lack of scientific proof as the reason for their skepticism. Well naysayers, doubt no longer. Here is your actual, scientific proof... Polar Bear genitals are shrinking! Yes, you read that correctly. Thanks to you and your aerosol hairspray, and you over there with your freaking Escalade, polar bears now have smaller genitals. You people suck. I picture polar bears looking down at their hoo-hoos and saying "This is worse than when the ice caps melted." Or maybe "The water's cold okay??"

2. Britain is banning images of Hanna Barbera characters smoking in cartoons. I smoked for ten years and met a bunch of smokers. Not one of them ever said they smoked because man, does Tom look cool smoking or what. The British shouldn't do things in half measures though. To truly educate their children they should have Tom strap down Jerry, then force him to chainsmoke. "40 years later" Tom could then stick his hand in Jerry's chest then rip out his blackened lungs and hold them triumphantly in the air, a la Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom but with the lungs not the still beating heart.

3. According to one of his former slaves, Osama Bin Laden digs on Whitney Houston and at one point considered killing Bobby Brown. Hey Osama, isn't Angelina Jolie purty? Imagine those plump lips on your kebab. Or Katie Holmes... isn't she a looker? Just a couple of tiny little obstacles and you're in there!

4. Employers potentially at risk for lawsuits due to employee addiction to Blackberry pagers. Are you fucking kidding me?? Anything qualifies as an addiction these days. Back in the day there were only a few things that passed the litmus test for addiction. The test went something like this:

    Are you a straight man who has ever sucked dick for crack?
    Has a stranger ever jizzed on your face while you were bent over and snorting lines of coke and you just wiped it off and kept snorting?
    Have you ever pissed or shat upon yourself because you didn't want to leave your slot machine unattended?
    Has a member of the Russian mafia ever broken any of your limbs?
    Have you ever woken up, naked and facedown in a pile of your own vomit, with random orifices of your body hurting, and people on their way to work wondering what you're doing on the sidewalk?

If you answered yes to any of the above, please get your addicted ass to the appropriate 12-step program.

5. Remember when I went to the weirdest wake ever? Never mind. Is it just me or do we sometimes get robbed? Europeans get full frontal nudity in their movies and Chinese people get strippers at their funerals.

6. I read that book Perfect Town, Perfect Murder but I have no idea whether:

a) The guy under arrest for killing JonBenet Ramsey is actually guilty OR
b) The guy is a gloryhound OR
c) The guy is a nutjob and years of being obsessed with the case has made him believe he actually did it.

All I know is that he molested SOMEONE. I don't know who it is, but he did.

7. Child molestors are released back into society with regularity, but some judge in Pennsylvania actually has to decide whether a boy meowing at his neighbor constitues harassment. This should go down in the annals of law as the stupidest case ever to hit the courtroom. Unless that Blackberry suit ever actually happens. Meowing at an old woman isn't harassment. Taking a bat and beating the shit out of her ass for whining so much is. I must say however that you know that boy was meowing at her in front of his parents (when was the last time your kid ever did something annoying only "twice") and that wouldn't fly very well with me.

8. When I was a kid, my mom taught me a sentence to use so I could remember the order of the planets by their distance from the sun. "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas." Mercury Venus Earth Mars Jupiter Saturn Uranus Neptune Pluto. Now that Pluto "isn't a planet anymore" my sentence is all fucked up. So to teach MY daughters I'm going to use the sentence "My Very Elegant Mother Just Shat Upon NASA."

9. I hope these 3 guys enjoy tossing big black salad in jail.

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