Happy New Year!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!

Before I make my new resolutions-I-may-or-may-not-keep, let's see how I did on last year's resolutions.

1. "I resolve to not be such an ass."
I'm less of an ass now. Seriously. No I am. DAMN YOU I AM!!!!!!!

2. "I resolve to finally write my book."
Eh. I started it at least. Have a bunch of chapters under my belt. So that counts for something doesn't it? We'll just roll this one over to this year, like a bunch of unused minutes.

3. "I resolve to get more exercise than walking to the refrigerator for a Coke."
SCORE!! I totally did this one. 20 minutes of Pilates-for-Dummies and 40 minutes on the exercise bike five times a week. Of course, I was a bit inconsistent with it, but was still able to produce the desired results. There's room in the size 1 jeans and no more bulge-y layer of fat sticking out over the top. Well, ask me about that again in a few days. I did eat a whole lot this week. On a side note, during one of the Pilates exercises the instructor says "Keep your abdomen tight and your BOX under control." She really emphasizes the word "box" and I really giggle out loud each and every time. I'm such an idiot.

4. "I resolve to study up on my French."
Excusez-moi, prenez-vous de la nourriture Indienne? Je suis tres affame et si je ne peux pas en avoir en ce moment je vais poignarder quelqu'un. Serieusement. (Translation: "Excuse me, do you have any Indian food? I am very hungry and if I can't have some right this moment I am going to stab someone. Seriously.") Okay, I had to bust out my trusty little Webster's English-to-French dictionary to construct that one. I so did not study up on French this year. We'll just be rolling this resolution over as well.

5. "I resolve to improve communication with my family and friends."
I did okay on this one didn't I? I mean I actually call or e-mail some of you people back now. Doesn't that count for something?

6. "I resolve to stop keeping such idiotically late hours."
Okay being that it's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning and I'm wide awake, I'd say I failed completely on this one.

And now, Tequila Shots For The Soul proudly presents...

My New Year's Resolutions For 2005

7. I resolve to finish my book. Just click on the link to last year's resolutions above and insert the exact same text here.

6. I resolve to study up on my French. Do the same thing you did for the last resolution here. I feel this one also calls for some sort of contingency resolution. So if, in fact, I do not study up on my French this year, I resolve to finally learn how to sew. Seriously. My husband has to sew buttons on my clothing for me. Do you know how hard it is to hold your head up at PTA meetings when everyone knows that?? You should hear the things they snicker when I walk by. "I heard she doesn't even know what stay-stitching is!" *guffaw guffaw* "She thinks 'crocking' is something you put in a slow cooker! MUHAHAHAHA!!" *snicker snicker snicker* And I die a little inside, each time.

5. I resolve to talk to my mom, dad and sister more often. Considering that they're among the Top 6 People I Love The Most in this world, it really is pathetic on my part that I don't call them more often. There is no excuse for speaking to the drive-through guy at White Castle more often than the people who raised you. Provided of course, that they're wonderful individuals like my family. If they're not then screw them (for you people in Appalachia, I meant that statement figuratively. Don't get so excited.)

4. I resolve to stop talking so much shit to people. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Just typing that made me laugh out loud. How about I resolve instead to stop (verbally) cursing so much? I was doing pretty good with that until about a month ago, when I just slipped into Ultra Curse Mode for some bizarre reason. It's gotten so bad that when my daughters start speaking, I might hand them a fig newton or something and they'll be like "You're fucking kidding me right? This ain't a fucking cookie."

3. I resolve to find a legal way to make money, that doesn't involve porn, phone sex, Amway products or sitting down at some stranger's table and eating off his plate.

2. I resolve to be a better parent to my dogs. I mean, I'm not abusing them or breaking any laws, but let's face it, I'm not going to win any awards for canine attention. We were pretty good before, they even slept in our bed. (People in Appalachia, that was meant literally this time, not figuratively. Don't get so excited.) But then we had the girls and there just wasn't any time during the day. Now that the girls are older however, I think I can swing this. The resolution isn't even a minute old and I've already lifted my foot off Bailey's head.

And now for the big one...

1. I resolve to quit smoking. And stay quit-ted. And I resolve to take Geo with me, kicking and screaming if I have to.